- [Alan is about to get into bed with Jill. He puts some coins on the bedside cabinet]
- Jill: Is that for me, Alan?
- Alan Partridge: That? Oh, God no! No, I always put my money there in the evening. No, if it was you could add a zero to that. It's seven pounds six.
- Jill: Seventy quid?
- Alan Partridge: Well, no, double it.
- Jill: Well, it's still cheap!
- Alan Partridge: I'm not haggling! I was trying to pay you a compliment, unless I've grossly misread the situation. It was my understanding in the lift that no money would change hands.
- Alan Partridge: [while having sex] Do you mind if I talk? It helps me keep the wolf from the door, so to speak. Jill, what do you think of the pedestrianization of Norwich city centre? I'll be honest, I'm dead against it. I mean, people forget that traders need access to *DIXONS*! They do say it'll help people in *wheeeelchairs*.
- Alan Partridge: You don't like Jill because she's younger than you.
- Lynn Benfield: No, she's not. She's 50.
- Alan Partridge: Well, so's Helen Mirren.
- Lynn Benfield: So's Benjamin Netanyahu.
- Alan Partridge: You're always going on about Benjamin Netanyahu. Let it go, Lynn, you're never going to meet him.
- Susan: Um, Alan, Did you send Sophie a Valentine's card this morning?
- Alan Partridge: Oh God, no, no, I'm old enough to be her father! Well, her older brother. Either way it's incest.
- Lynn Benfield: Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news?
- Alan Partridge: The good news.
- Lynn Benfield: Well, Rawlinson's say you can have another fifty of the shop-soiled chocolate oranges if you plug them again tomorrow.
- Alan Partridge: Excellent. And the bad news?
- Lynn Benfield: The accountants say that since you've definitely not got a second series at the BBC you're going to have to sack everyone at Pear Tree Productions and close the office down. Otherwise they're going to declare you bankrupt on Friday.
- Alan Partridge: Right. Still, good news about the chocolate oranges.
- Lynn Benfield: Now, Alan, you're going to have to trade down your Rover 800 for a smaller car.
- Alan Partridge: Go on.
- Lynn Benfield: I picked up these brochures for the new Metro. It's a lovely car. And if you do...
- Alan Partridge: [Interrupting] Lynn, I'm not driving a Mini-Metro.
- Lynn Benfield: But you do have to make substantial savings.
- Alan Partridge: Lynn, I am not driving a Mini Metro.
- Lynn Benfield: But if you do, you can keep Pear Tree Productions going with a skeleton staff of two, and...
- Alan Partridge: There's no point finishing the sentence, Lynn, because I am not driving a Mini-Metro.
- Lynn Benfield: But if you...
- Alan Partridge: Lynn! I'll just speak over you.
- [Lynn tries to speak]
- Alan Partridge: No! Go on, try and finish the sentence and see what I do. Go on.
- [They both talk together]
- Lynn Benfield: With a skeleton staff of two...
- Alan Partridge: I'm not driving a Mini-Metro, I'm not driving a Mini-Metro, I'm not driving a Mini-Metro.
- Lynn Benfield: No, no, no, it's different. It's called a Rover Metro now.
- Alan Partridge: They've rebadged it, you fool!
- Lynn Benfield: Well, Alan, if you want a Rover 200 you're going to have to sack everyone at Pear Tree Productions.
- Alan Partridge: Fine.
- Lynn Benfield: Including Jill.
- Alan Partridge: Jill. Lovely Jill. She's my favourite. But fine, I'll sack her.
- Alan Partridge: You smiled then, Lynn.
- Lynn: No, I didn't.
- Alan Partridge: Yes, you did. I can read you like a book. And not a very good book. Certainly not 'Bravo Two Zero' by Andy McNabb. Which actually improves with every read.
- Michael: [in his very broad Geordie accent] Aye-aye, Mr. Partridge! Morning! Valentine's Day today, eh? Love is in the air!
- Alan Partridge: It's Valentine's Day today, and love is in the air?
- Michael: [nodding] Aye! Aye!
- Alan Partridge: I'm getting the hang of this! Mind you, I have been here ten weeks.
- Michael: So, are we having the full English breakfast?
- Alan Partridge: Yes, please. Can I have my sausages burnt to a crisp, please? So that they can only be identified by reference to their dental records.
- Michael: OK. Either that or their fingerprints, eh?
- Alan Partridge: Can you fingerprint a sausage?
- Michael: Yeah, well, I suppose technically y'could, aye.
- Alan Partridge: I suppose if I was a burglar and I wanted to avoid detection I could strap sausages to my fingers. Probably survive a couple of break-ins before they started to fall apart.
- Michael: Aye. Maybes, maybes just have, like, a beefburger for your palm, y'know?
- Alan Partridge: No, that's a bit too far-fetched. I do enjoy these chats in the morning.
- Alan Partridge: You know, when I used to see you in reception, do you know what I used to think?
- Jill: No.
- Alan Partridge: I used to think "Ooohh... she's nicer than my wife."
- Jill: [laughs] What? That's terrible. That's a terrible thing to say, Alan.
- Alan Partridge: Ah, that is the best Valentine's Day I've had in eight years.
- Jill: What did you do eight years ago?
- Alan Partridge: Just had a better one.
- Jill: What'd you do?
- Alan Partridge: Went to Silverstone. Shook Jackie Stewart's hand. Superb. My marriage fell apart soon after that.
- Jill: I love chocolate.
- Alan Partridge: Yeah, so do I.
- [they lean in close to each other, face to face]
- Jill: Whispas.
- Alan Partridge: Aeros.
- Jill: Ripples.
- Alan Partridge: Flakes.
- Jill: Caramac.
- Alan Partridge: It's good this, isn't it? Even though we're basically just listing chocolate bars.
- Alan Partridge: Why are you wearing that snazzy cardigan?
- Lynn: Oh, I just threw it on.
- Alan Partridge: If you think you can upstage Jill by wearing that, you're very much mistaken.
- Lynn Benfield: [to Jill] We're in the same area, I wondered if you'd like to take a taxi back with me, you know, make a saving?
- Jill: Well...
- Alan Partridge: No, Jill will be sleeping with me tonight.
- Jill: I don't recall saying that.
- Alan Partridge: Oh, come on.
- Jill: Yeah, alright then.
- [she giggles]
- [Alan is having his disturbing recurring daydream of himself as a male stripper]
- Tony Hayers: I like your thong.
- Alan Partridge: Yeah, it's vulcanised rubber, which means it won't perish.
- [Alan's daydream ends]
- Jason: [putting a party hat on Alan's head] Wahey!
- Alan Partridge: [startled, throwing the hat off] Bash your arse!
- Alan Partridge: Lion bar?
- Jill: No. I prefer fingers.
- Alan Partridge: Ugh. Chocolate ones?
- Jill: Don't mind, really.
- [Alan makes a long, drawn-out leering noise and giggles. Jill smiles at him]
- Alan Partridge: Jill, you are so dirty.
- [Jill has just smeared Alan with chocolate mousse, there is a knock at the door. Alan answers it, it's Michael]
- Michael: Is everything all right, Mr Partridge? I heard a bit of commotion.
- Alan Partridge: No, no, it's fine.
- Michael: Oh, right. Erm, do you know you've got chocolate on your face?
- Alan Partridge: Yeah, I've just been eating some mousse.
- Michael: Oh right. Fine.
- [Alan wipes a little bit off his cheek and licks it. His face is still covered in mousse]
- Michael: Aye, well, you've missed a bit.
- Alan Partridge: I'll deal with it later.
- Michael: Right. Hey, it reminds me of this time, y'know, we'd camouflaged ourselves up cos we were doing jungle exercises, right, out in Belize, but...
- Alan Partridge: [interrupting] Michael, can we talk about this in the morning?
- Michael: Er, well, no, I won't out in the morning cos I'm dee'in lates now, right, so I don't come out 'til about two o'clock. So, you know...
- Alan Partridge: Well, you know,
- [tries to do a Geordie accent]
- Alan Partridge: When the boat comes in. Er, er, booger off!
- Michael: Aye, OK.
- [saluting]
- Michael: Message understood, sir!
- Alan Partridge: Stand down, at ease... you're not in the army anymore.
- Alison: Any more news, Alan?
- Alan Partridge: Er, no, just: second series in the bag, you're all on board, details to follow and, um... and who left this coffee cup here?
- Jason: Sorry, Alan, I meant to clean it last night.
- Alan Partridge: Yeah, well, that's not good enough. You're sacked.
- [the others laugh, thinking it's a joke]
- Jason: What?
- Alan Partridge: I will not have uncleansed coffee cups in Pear Tree Productions. The plague started from a mal-attended surface.
- Martin: What are you doing, Alan?
- Alan Partridge: You're sacked too.
- Martin: Why?
- Alan Partridge: Because... because you do this all the time.
- [to show what he means, he tuts and rolls his eyes]
- Martin: What?
- [Martin does the tutting and eye-rolling thing himself]
- Alan Partridge: See, you did it again! Yeah, you're definitely sacked. Now, Alison, you are a lady, I don't want this to be unpleasant...
- Alison: Are you sacking me as well?
- Alan Partridge: Yes, I am.
- Alison: You rotten shit!
- Alan Partridge: Yeah, you're a rotten shit too, get your coat!
- [Alan backs out of the room with Lynn]
- Alan Partridge: [to Lynn] Start the car.
- [he shuts the door and goes to another room]
- Alan Partridge: [talking to them over a speakerphone] Hello, it's Alan again. I've locked you all in the boardroom so you don't get me. You can leave via the fire escape. We haven't got a second series, I just didn't have the guts to say that earlier. Bit like doing my radio show this, isn't it? You're listening to Up with the Partridge, A-ha. Bye!
- [on his date with Jill at the owl sanctuary, Alan puts his hands on his hips with his legs apart, puffs up his cheeks and makes a raspberry noise with his lips]
- Jill: [giggling] You're mad, you are!
- Alan Partridge: Oh, I know, I am a bit mad.
- [raises his hands in a predatory way]
- Alan Partridge: AAAHH!
- [she shrieks and laughs]
- Alan Partridge: [to a passer-by, out of shot] It's all right. No, it's all right, I was just portraying a madman.