I'm Alan Partridge (TV Series)

A Room with an Alan (1997)

David Schneider: Tony Hayers

Photos 

Quotes 

• [BBC executive Tony Hayers has told Alan that he won't give him another series of his chat show but he'll still be open to any other ideas in future, so Alan immediately seizes the opportunity to pitch ideas for programs] 

  Alan Partridge : [opening a file]  Right, OK - Shoestring, Taggart, Spender, Bergerac, Morse. What does that say to you about regional detective series?

  Tony Hayers : There's too many of them?

  Alan Partridge : That's one way of looking at it, another way of looking at it is, people like them, let's make some more of them. A detective series based in Norwich called "Swallow". Swallow is a detective who tackles vandalism. Bit of a maverick, not afraid to break the law if he thinks it's necessary. He's not a criminal, you know, but he will, perhaps, travel 80mph on the motorway if, for example, he wants to get somewhere quickly.

  [Tony Hayers shakes his head] 

  Alan Partridge : Think about it. No one had heard of Oxford before Inspector Morse. This will put Norwich on the map.

  Tony Hayers : Why would I want to do that?

  Alan Partridge : Yep, fair point. OK, right - "Alan Attack!". Like The Cook Report, but with a more slapstick approach.

  Tony Hayers : No.

  Alan Partridge : "Arm Wrestling with Chas and Dave".

  Tony Hayers : I don't think so.

  Alan Partridge : Pity, because they were very keen on that one. Right, now you'll like this... "Knowing M.E., Knowing You". I, Alan Partridge, talk to M.E. sufferers about the condition. You know, we intersperse it with their favourite pop songs, make it light-hearted, you know, give them a platform. You've got to keep the energy up, because... You don't like it? That's alright, that's OK...

  Tony Hayers : [is clearly disturbed by this idea]  No.

  Alan Partridge : "Inner-City Sumo".

  Tony Hayers : What's that?

  Alan Partridge : We take fat people from the inner cities, put them in big nappies, and then get them to throw each other out of a circle that we draw with chalk on the ground.

  Tony Hayers : [smirks]  No, no, it's a bad idea.

  Alan Partridge : Very cheap to make. Do it in a pub car park.

  Tony Hayers : [laughing]  No!

  Alan Partridge : If you don't do it, Sky will.

  Tony Hayers : Well, I'll live with that. Is that it?

  Alan Partridge : Well, no, no, um... "Cooking in Prison".

  Tony Hayers : [laughs]  Oh, no.

  Alan Partridge : Uh, uh... "A Partridge Amongst The Pigeons".

  Tony Hayers : What's that?

  Alan Partridge : Well, it's just a title, I mean, erm... well, no, er-er-er... Opening sequence: Me, in Trafalgar Square, feeding the pigeons, going "Oh God!"

  Tony Hayers : [laughing]  No, I'm sorry, no! Stop!

  Alan Partridge : Erm, erm... Youth Hosteling with... Chris Eubank.

  Tony Hayers : [laughs]  No!

  [Alan desperately tries to think of something else] 

  Alan Partridge : Monkey Tennis?

• [Alan is having lunch with Tony Hayers, a senior BBC executive] 

  Alan Partridge : [raising his wine glass]  Here's to our future relationship at the BBC.

  [Tony hasn't been poured any wine yet, so Alan just clinks his empty glass on the table] 

  Tony Hayers : You know, I don't think you should see your future just at the BBC, Alan. I just think it's time for you to consider moving on to new pastures.

  Alan Partridge : Have I got a second series?

  Tony Hayers : There's so many opportunities...

  Alan Partridge : [interrupting]  Actually, let-let-let, let me rephrase that. Erm, can I... No, actually I'll just repeat the question. Have I got a second series?

  Tony Hayers : No.

  Alan Partridge : [quietly]  Thank you. That's all I wanted to know.

  Peter Linehan : [coming over to the table]  Tony!

  Tony Hayers : Oh, Peter, hello, how are you?

  Peter Linehan : Fine, fine.

  Tony Hayers : Alan, this is Peter Linehan. He's revamping our current affairs output.

  [Alan just shrugs] 

  Peter Linehan : We haven't met but I liked your chat show.

  Alan Partridge : Thank you very much.

  Peter Linehan : Has he given you another series?

  Alan Partridge : [forcing a smile]  No, he won't give me one.

  Peter Linehan : [to Tony, jokingly]  Give him another series, you swine!

  Alan Partridge : [not joking]  Yeah, give me another series, you shit.

• Tony Hayers : There is to be no second series. And I've listened to your ideas, I've listened to them all, and I haven't liked a single one.

  Alan Partridge : Tony... I've, I've just bought a house. It's like, it's got a Buck Rogers toilet. One yank, all gone.

  Tony Hayers : We don't owe you a living. You are someone who has a proven track record for making mostly bad television programs.

  Alan Partridge : That's bollocks, but carry on.

  Tony Hayers : It's not bollocks. Your programmes were appalling. The ratings were a ninth of what we could have expected, they started badly, they got worse...

  Alan Partridge : [mimicking him]  They started badly, they got worse... Oh, oh, your programs, your programs...

  Tony Hayers : Now, you're making a fool of yourself.

  Alan Partridge : Whooo... whooo... who do you think you are?

  Tony Hayers : Well, unfortunately for you, I am the Chief Commissioning Editor of BBC Television.

  Alan Partridge : Oh, let's forget about all this...

  [he sticks his fork into a large block of Stilton cheese on the trolley next to him and lifts it up] 

  Alan Partridge : You want some cheese?

  Tony Hayers : No, thank you.

  Alan Partridge : [sniffing it]  It's quite nice. Mmm... smells. Do you want to want to smell it?

  Tony Hayers : No, thank you.

  Alan Partridge : Smell the cheese.

  Tony Hayers : No, I don't want to.

  Alan Partridge : Smell my cheese.

  Tony Hayers : Alan, please...

  [Alan gets up and thrusts the cheese into Tony Hayers' face] 

  Alan Partridge : Smell my cheese, you mother!

• Waiter : Are you ready to order?

  Tony Hayers : Um, yes, I think I'll have the Fettuccine all'arrabbiata, please.

  Alan Partridge : [obviously can't pronounce the name of this dish]  And can I have the same, please. But with different-shaped pasta. What do you call those pasta in bows? Sort of like a bow-tie but miniature. Sort of like an Action Man bow-tie.

  Tony Hayers : Farfalle.

  Alan Partridge : Yeah, that. That with, with... Action Man bow-tie.