Dylan Moran: Ian Lyons

Quotes 

• Lisa Lyons : Why don't you and Dad just slap your penises down on the table and sort it out?

  Ian Lyons : Yeah, thanks for the image. I won't ask you to hop up on the table with my mother and some vegetables.

• Norriswood : [looking at Ian's portfolio]  What's this?

  Ian Lyons : It's of Paris in the 1950s. I had to evoke the atmosphere ofthe 1950s.

  Norriswood : It's not in focus.

  Ian Lyons : It was a weird time, the 1950s.

• Ian Lyons : [Astley has offered Ian money to leave]  Well alright, ok. Let's do it, I'll go.

  Astley Yardley : Good.

  Ian Lyons : But there are other conditions. I want your red pickup truck.

  Astley Yardley : What?

  Ian Lyons : Your red pick-up truck, I want it.

  Astley Yardley : No, you can't have it.

  Ian Lyons : Then the deal's off, I'm not going.

  Astley Yardley : Alright, have it.

  Ian Lyons : And the big bush in your front garden with the purple leaves.

  Astley Yardley : Why?

  Ian Lyons : I like it, it's nice. I want you to send it to me in a special big bush box.

• Astley Yardley : You'll never amount to anything down here. Nobody gets anywhere without my patronage.

  Ian Lyons : Ah, yes, the great patrons. Cosimo de' Medici, King Ludwig II of Bavaria, Catherine the Great. And Astley Yardley, West Sussex turkey farmer.