- Dr. Roger Spain (First Applicant): [to House when he refuses to hire him] Wow! I thought you'd be the last person to have a problem with nonconformity.
- Dr. Gregory House: Nonconformity. Right. I can't remember the last time saw a twenty-something kid with a tattoo of an Asian letter on his wrist. You are one wicked free thinker! You want to be a rebel? Stop being cool. Wear a pocket protector like he does, and get a haircut like the Asian kids that don't leave the library for 24 hour stretches. They're the ones who don't care what you think.
- [pauses]
- Dr. Gregory House: Sayonara!
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You just don't want to deal with the epidemic!
- Dr. Gregory House: [sarcastically] That's right. I'm subjecting a twelve-year-old to a battery of dangerous and invasive tests to avoid being bored.
- Dr. Gregory House: [pause] Okay, maybe I would do that, but I'm not! If it turns out she's got meningitis, you're right, you win, but if we go downstairs and she dies... your face will be so red!
- Dr. Gregory House: [obnoxiously] You Jewish?
- Dr. Petra Gilmar: [keeping her cool] Yes.
- Dr. Gregory House: Is it true what they say about Jewish foreplay?
- Dr. James Wilson: [desperate to change the subject] Uh... uh...
- Dr. Petra Gilmar: Two hours of begging?
- Dr. Gregory House: I heard four.
- Dr. Petra Gilmar: Well, actually... I'm only half Jewish.
- Dr. Gregory House: [to Wilson] Well, when I do decide to push you away, I hope there's a small person kneeling behind you so you fall down and hurt your head.
- Dr. Gregory House: [to a patient] Take these, go home, talk to your daughter.
- Woman: What?
- Dr. Gregory House: Your pants, your blouse, your scarf are all freshly dry cleaned. Everything except your jacket, it's got a smudge on it. Probably two days old. Which means you didn't know the jacket had been worn. So either your husband is a crossdresser or your daughter has been borrowing your clothes without telling you. Probably wants to look older, to get into bars.
- Woman: I don't have a daughter.
- Dr. Eric Foreman: [When Foreman is about to perform a spinal tap on Mary in the hospital lobby] This novocaine will numb you for the lumbar puncture. Sorry this has to be so public, Mary.
- Mary Carroll: Normally, I'm in a bathing suit with 5,000 people staring at my butt. I can block this out.
- Dr. Allison Cameron: I already accepted a position somewhere else.
- Dr. Gregory House: With who?
- Dr. Allison Cameron: Yule, at Jefferson.
- Dr. Gregory House: Unaccept it.
- Dr. Allison Cameron: Why?
- Dr. Gregory House: Because Yule is boring. He's pedantic and preachy. Because he's short. Because I want you to come back.
- Dr. Allison Cameron: Not good enough.
- Dr. Gregory House: Want more money? A car allowance? Better parking space?
- Dr. Allison Cameron: Dinner. And not just a meal between two colleagues. A date.
- Dr. Gregory House: You'll come back to work if I go out on a date with you?
- Dr. Allison Cameron: Yes.
- Dr. Gregory House: Okay, it's a deal.
- [House and Cameron shake on it]
- Dr. Allison Cameron: See you tomorrow morning.
- Dr. Gregory House: Don't be late.
- Dr. Allison Cameron: I won't.
- Mary Carroll: [Looking at the metal cabinets in the morgue] Are there dead people in those cabinets?
- Dr. Eric Foreman: I hope that's who's in there.
- Dr. Gregory House: The eyes can mislead, a smile can lie, but the shoes always tell the truth.
- Dr. Wilson: They were Prada, means she has good taste.
- Dr. Gregory House: They were not Prada. You wouldn't know Prada if one stepped on your scrotum.
- Dr. Wilson: Okay... well they were nice... pointy...
- Dr. Gregory House: Exactly. They were stylish. And very painful to wear. Only an incredibly shallow, insecure woman would rather be in pain all day long than wear a decent-looking comfortable shoe, and that's exactly the type I don't need around here.
- Dr. Robert Chase: When I was in med school, I had this old professor...
- Dr. Gregory House: Who touched you in the naughty place?
- Dr. Gregory House: [to Mary] Pregnancy causes all kinds of chemical and biological changes in a woman's body. Or a girl's body, as the case may be. In extremely rare cases, everything goes haywire. It's called TTP. Blood starts clotting like crazy, clogs the vessels in your brain and kidneys. Red blood cells end up getting shredded as they squeeze past the clot like a fat guy in a crowed bar. I'm sure you know what that's like. You're only 12, but you're all grown up, right? Travel on your own, hang out in hotel rooms, getting room service with your teammates. Maybe someone sneaks in a couple of beers, you start playing spin the bottle. Next thing you know, you're waking up with nothing on but your socks.
- Mary Carroll: It wasn't like that.
- Dr. Gregory House: Of course not. You wanted it.
- Mary Carroll: Yeah, I did. He turned out to be a jerk, but...
- Dr. Gregory House: Actually, under New Jersey law, the term is "felon."
- Dr. Gregory House: [someone is groaning in the restroom stall] Good lord! Are you having a bowel movement or a baby?
- Dr. Gregory House: Right rudder. Bank, bank, bank!
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Good coffee? The rest of this hospital is busting its tail and you're...
- [House's eyes get really wide, and he covers them with his folder]
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: What are you doing?
- Dr. Gregory House: Trying to think of anything except the produce department at Whole Foods.
- [Wilson smirks]
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I am working. It got hot. Stop acting like a 13-year-old!
- Dr. Gregory House: Sorry. You just don't usually see breasts like that on Deans of Medicine.
- [Wilson tries to look anywhere except at Cuddy's chest]
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Women can't be heads of hospitals? Or just ugly ones?
- Dr. Gregory House: No, they can be babes. It's just you don't usually see their fun bags.
- Dr. Allison Cameron: [to House] Why do you want me back?
- Dr. Gregory House: Because you're a good doctor.
- Dr. Allison Cameron: That's it?
- Dr. Gregory House: That's not enough?
- Dr. Allison Cameron: Not for me.
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Dr. House! We need you here.
- Dr. Gregory House: Sorry. Lot of sick people. I might catch something.
- Dr. Gregory House: [to Dr. Spain] Oh, dude. You are so hired.
- Dr. Roger Spain (First Applicant): Really?
- Dr. Gregory House: Not a chance.
- Dr. Gregory House: Cameron is so not perfect.
- Dr. James Wilson: Well, nobody's perfect.
- Dr. Gregory House: Mother Teresa?
- Dr. James Wilson: Dead.
- Dr. Gregory House: Angelina Jolie?
- Dr. James Wilson: No medical degree.
- Dr. Gregory House: Now who's being picky?
- Dr. Gregory House: [to Mary] We're going to have to do something called plasmapheresis. Cleans the antibodies from your blood. We're also going to have to terminate the pregnancy.
- Mary Carroll: You're going to tell my parents?
- Dr. Gregory House: Someone should. Rock, paper, scissors?
- Mary Carroll: They don't need to know. I'll be all right.
- Dr. Gregory House: Of course you will. Mean, if you're old enough to bleed out of your vagina, you're obviously mature enough to handle a simple thing like an abortion without Mommy and Daddy's help.
- Dr. Gregory House: [to Mary's parents] Your daughter has TTP. Don't worry. It's curable. She'll be fine.
- [starts to walk away]
- Mrs. Carroll: Well, wait! What does TTP stand for?
- Dr. Gregory House: Some really big words that you've never heard before and when we're done, will never hear again. Have a nice day.
- [starts to walk away again]
- Mr. Carroll: Well, when can we take her home?
- Dr. Gregory House: Uh, in a few days. She needs some minor surgery to remove the underlying cause before we can do the... another really big word.
- Mr. Carroll: What's the underlying cause?
- Dr. Gregory House: She has an abnormal growth in her abdomen.
- Mrs. Carroll: What kind of surgery?
- Dr. Gregory House: It's very simple. Do it here all the time.
- Mr. Carroll: Could you be a little more specific?
- Dr. Gregory House: Actually, no. I'm sorry.
- Dr. Gregory House: No fever, no neck pain. Take the elevator to the third floor...
- Dr. James Wilson: Whoa whoa whoa... wrong floor! No fever no neck pain, she's fine.
- Dr. Gregory House: Smell her hair - no chlorine. Which means she wasn't at the pool. Which means she's come to a quarantined area - because she's an idiot, or she's insane! No one is that stupid. East Wing, Psych Ward - buh-bye!
- [House interviewed a female doctor that can verbally match wits with him]
- Dr. James Wilson: [enthusiastically] That's our Hitler!