Happy Families (TV Series)

Edith (1985)

Helen Lederer: Flossie

Quotes 

• Doctor De Quincy : Dear me, young Flossie, that really is a nasty face you've got under that bruise! Glad to see you're making an effort for your Guinness glass. What a magical thing it is to see a gawky, scrawny, repulsive young girl blossom into non-entity. By heaven, bless me, I was responsible for bringing you into the world! You, and many like you. Ah, splendid! Your mistress in?

  Flossie : Yes, Dad.

  Doctor De Quincy : Don't call me Dad, an adequate settlement was made. Now, kindly show me up.

  Flossie : Certainly, sir. I'm Doctor De Quincy's Illegitimate Child!

  Doctor De Quincy : Great heavens girl, what are you thinking of?

  Flossie : Just showing you up... like you asked.

  Cook : Now, don't you mind about our Flossie, Doctor, she's been walking out with a young student and he's gone and filled her head with books! T'other night - caught him trying' to stuff a typewriter in her ear, so I won't let him see her no more. Now, you - in the kitchen and prick my sausages, and quick! Now then... so, shall I show you up?

  Doctor De Quincy : Yes, please.

  Cook : Now, just come on...

• [Jennifer Saunders as Grandma] 

  Cook : Now come along, my young lady. This is bubble one thirteen now, not these ten million years time. Stick your elbow in the kettle, see if the water's boiling; you lazy little lumpy.

  Flossie : Don't call me 'lumpy'... wobble butt.

  Cook : Oh, such insolence! Never in my b... what have you got there?

  Flossie : Nuthin'.

  Cook : Don't you give me, 'nuthin', you naughty naughty wicked... is *this* nothing?

  Flossie : It's only an old photo.

  Cook : Why... this is Master Guy!

  Flossie : Washed his pants all my life; but I love him! Seen the packaging; get one hand on the goods.

  Cook : Scrub your mouth out, to say such things!

  Flossie : He's a lovely man! He's sweet and noble and that old witch Mrs. Fuddle treats him so cruel, I could weep to see it!

  Cook : Never in all my born doings have I seen such naughtness!

  Flossie : She's a bonkers old bag, and I'd like to blow her up.

  Cook : Not one more word! Am I to take the broomstick to your backside, Miss? To say such cruel things. Her, with her poor husband still warm under the garage door.

  Flossie : She had no more love for Mr. Harold than she has for Master Guy. All she loves is her granddaughters, but they've gone aren't they? Where'd they go Cook? Why'd they leave?

  Cook : There's some things better left unsaid Flossie, and that's one of them. So is 'plop', and another one is the f-word. Yes? What is it you want Mrs. Fuddle?

  The Fuddle Family : A peaceful and caring society, Cook.

  Cook : And it does you great credit - if I may be so bold.

  The Fuddle Family : Don't patronize me, you stupid servant! Where's my bloody tea?

  Cook : Oh, dear... dear! Hasn't that young Flossie arrived with it yet? Why, I sent her packing five minutes ago...

  Flossie : No, she didn't, Mrs. Fuddle!

  Cook : Oh, yes I did.

  Flossie : I'm still here! Oh!

  Cook : I'll umm... just tippin' her along, thank you, Mrs. F. Now young Flossie, get that tea tray upstairs! And let's have a bit less mooning about over Master Guy, shall we? You know what they say, don't you? 'Dirty thoughts - anal warts.'

• Guy Fuddle : Psst! Flossie!

  Flossie : What? Oh, it's you, Master Guy. You gave me quite a shock.

  Guy Fuddle : Flossie... listen very carefully. I want you to do something for me.

  Flossie : Oh, Lord! Oh, blimey! Whatever will Cook say?

  Guy Fuddle : Shut up and listen! You half-witted peasant!

  Flossie : Uhhh, you make me go all gooey inside, Master Guy.

  Guy Fuddle : Yes, yes, yes; I'm sure I do. Now, when you take the tea in to Mrs. Edith, I want you to tell her that the new... Curate has come to call.

  Flossie : Sir, Cook will have me over the kitchen table, giving me such a licking!

  Guy Fuddle : Just do it. Go on... stupid servant.

• [Jennifer Saunders as Grandma] 

  Flossie : Tea's ready... Mrs. Horrible Bitch. Hope it poisons you, Cowpat Face.

  The Fuddle Family : Huhhh, ooohhhh.

  Flossie : Afternoon tea is served Mrs. Fuddle, and the new Curate has come to call.

  The Fuddle Family : Oh, the new Curate you say? Well, show him up, Flossie.

  Flossie : Oh, dear no, ma'am; couldn't speak ill of the cloth.

  The Fuddle Family : You keep your fatuous remarks to yourself, and if you ever... call me 'Cowpat Face' again... your dead. Y'understand me? Dead.

  Flossie : Yes, Mrs. Fuddle.

  The Fuddle Family : Go on.

  Guy Fuddle : All things bright and beautiful... the Lord is my shepherd. Good afternoon.

  The Fuddle Family : Oh, good afternoon, Curate. How kind of you to call. Will you take tea?

  Guy Fuddle : Do I? Mate, I'm bloody parched! Oh, uhh... mmm, hmm... huh, yes! Ah, thank you, Mrs. Fuddle. Uhhhm, I will partake of the Lord's plenty. Onward Christian soldiers.

  The Fuddle Family : Lovely. Now then, Curate, what can we do for you?

  Guy Fuddle : Well, umm, first of all; may I offer my sincerest condolences for your recent bereavement.

  The Fuddle Family : Why, who's dead?

  Guy Fuddle : ...uhh, your husband. Blessed are the meek.

  The Fuddle Family : But that was the day before yesterday.

  Guy Fuddle : Ah-ha, yes, that is the point. I notice you still have no plans for the disposal of the body.

  The Fuddle Family : Well, I really don't know what else there is I can do. I mean, the dustmen absolutely refused to take him away, unless he's in a black plastic bin liner; and I've split two on him already.

  Guy Fuddle : But he'll rot and stink, and stink, and give everyone Cholera! You've got to bury him; he's a health hazard.

  The Fuddle Family : Don't you dare speak of your grandfather in that manner, Guy.

  Guy Fuddle : I am ordering you as a man of God, to remove that corpse from out of the way of my car! Gu... Guy? You've seen through my disguise then?

  The Fuddle Family : Yes!

  Guy Fuddle : You've been laughing at me.

  The Fuddle Family : Yes, I have!

  Guy Fuddle : Because I still have a heart? Because I still have feelings? Because I'm still... human?

  The Fuddle Family : No, because you're a prat. Simply being human isn't a good enough joke. Everyone can do it.

  Guy Fuddle : Why are you doing this to me Granny? I only want to be loved. I try *so* hard! Making my life a misery isn't going to bring your bloody girls back.

  The Fuddle Family : The girls, the girls; everyone seems to be going on about them today. Can't people forget them?

• [Jennifer Saunders as Grandma] 

  Guy Fuddle : Well Cook, Flossie... this is it.

  Flossie : Oh, sir, it's a proper,what's-it... no mistake.

  Cook : We shall miss you, Master Guy.

  Guy Fuddle : Yes, and I shall miss you too Cook. Well, not you specifically, of course; but I shall miss having servants around the place. Which amounts to much the same thing, doesn't it?

  Cook : That it does, sir.

  Guy Fuddle : Well... here goes.

  The Fuddle Family : Guy? Guy!

  Guy Fuddle : Grandma!

  The Fuddle Family : I need your help, Guy, I need your help. I want you to track down your four sisters, Guy. Track them down and bring them home.

  Guy Fuddle : Grandma, are we going to be a family again? All the secrets and hating done with?

  The Fuddle Family : Oh... yes Guy, yes. I want you bring them back, all of them; within nine months. Then we can all be happy.

  Guy Fuddle : Grandma! Grandma!

  The Fuddle Family : Please Guy, don't.

  Guy Fuddle : What?

  The Fuddle Family : Put your hands in your pockets like that, I know what you're doing. Now, run! No time to waste. All of them, mind... all of my darlings... shall all return.

  [last lines]