Happy Families (TV Series)

Edith (1985)

Hugh Laurie: Jim

Quotes 

• Jim : I say, Plum Plops... you were an age on your silly rounds. I had to have supper with Mrs. Miggs. She knows absolutely nothing about organized sport.

  Doctor De Quincy : Terribly sorry, and all that, Pimple. I had to drop in on that dreadful Fuddle woman, and her cook. Had to pick up a couple of urine samples. I've just been testing them now, and I'm afraid in Mrs. Fuddles case at least, there can be no doubt... the tests prove positive.

  Jim : It definitely is urine, then?

  Doctor De Quincy : I'd stake my reputation on it. You can never be sure with Mrs. Fuddle, she just doesn't want to be told that she's ill. Sometimes I suspect her of trying to confuse the diagnosis. Not like her cook, she'll give you gallons of the stuff. Flapped at anybody wants it.

  Jim : I say, do we have to talk about women? I just had my supper.

  Doctor De Quincy : You're a doctor, Jimbly Wimbly, on the threshold of a brilliant career. No matter how distasteful, women must be slotted into your medical equation.

  Jim : Well, I'm sorry Ploppy, but I just can't seem to figure them out; lovely creatures, thought they are. If I get one in the surgery, I simply say, 'There's nothing that I can tell you about those secret and very beautiful things that happen to a woman's body, your granny can't explain ten times better than me.'

  Doctor De Quincy : Quite right.

  Jim : 'Now, run along you gorgeous fun bundle.'

  Doctor De Quincy : Oh, very well. If you wish.

  Jim : No, no no no no, n-n-not you. That's what I say to the little ladies.

  Doctor De Quincy : Oh! And it is a great credit young Jim. But I'm afraid Mrs. Fuddle is one lady who won't be running along for much longer.

  Jim : Dying is she?

  Doctor De Quincy : Very. And I'm going to have to tell her about it tomorrow.

  Jim : Gosh, poor you. She'll probably get all hysterical and blame the whole thing on her periods.

  Doctor De Quincy : Her what?

  Jim : Her periods.

  Doctor De Quincy : No, you've lost me there. I don't think they taught that when I was at Barts.

• [Jennifer Saunders as Grandma] 

  Doctor De Quincy : Just wait her Jim, I shan't be a mini-mo. I just have to go and tell Mrs. Fuddle she's dying, and Cook that she's pregnant. Quite extraordinary... I never would have thought it of old Cook. I'm afraid that I'm just going to have to suggest to the Vicar that he ban her from attending any more church hall Gay Discos.

  Jim : Good luck, Plum Plops.

  Doctor De Quincy : Oh, there was something that I wanted to tell you, Cook... now what was it? Oh, can't remember. Can't have been that important can it? Ah, Guy, and how are we? Tiggery-boo or not so pucker?

  Guy Fuddle : Not so pucker, I'm afraid, Doctor. My grandmother's blown up my car, and thrown me out without telling me the true history of my unhappy family!

  Doctor De Quincy : Women, hey? Ha Ha haaaa, bless 'em!

  Cook : Come along, doctor... Dr. De Quincy!

  The Fuddle Family : I can see that Cook, now get out!

  Doctor De Quincy : Oh, splendid, splendid. Gorgeous.

  The Fuddle Family : Fine of you to call, Doctor.

  Doctor De Quincy : Not at all, not at all. Dear me, I do have some professional pride, you know? I can hardly tell you you're going to die over the telephone, could I?

  The Fuddle Family : What?

  Doctor De Quincy : Oh my God... I've gone and put my foot in it, haven't I? Didn't know, did you? Tsk. I've always taken such a pride in my bedside manner. Still, there it is - you can't hide it now, you're going to die in about, umm... nine months time.

  The Fuddle Family : Nine months, you say? So, I can presume this is not merely old age?

  Doctor De Quincy : Oh, absolutely not, you could live for years yet. No, I'm afraid you're suffering from a very rare disease. In fact, the last chap who had it, was a seventeenth century Spanish book burner; and of course, he's dead now. Which shows you just how dangerous it can be.

  The Fuddle Family : Is there no cure?

  Doctor De Quincy : Well, I... there is one, but I... no, it's too fantastic. A real long shot! On the whole I should advise you to start gathering your family about you. You know the sort of thing; aged aunts, family friends - anybody you fancy bidding cheerio to when you finally shuffle off this mortal coil.

  The Fuddle Family : This cure, Doctor?

  Doctor De Quincy : Oh, it's out of the question. it's messy, it's dangerous... probably illegal. No, as I say...