Happy Families (TV Series)

Edith (1985)

Dawn French: Cook

Quotes 

• Doctor De Quincy : Dear me, young Flossie, that really is a nasty face you've got under that bruise! Glad to see you're making an effort for your Guinness glass. What a magical thing it is to see a gawky, scrawny, repulsive young girl blossom into non-entity. By heaven, bless me, I was responsible for bringing you into the world! You, and many like you. Ah, splendid! Your mistress in?

  Flossie : Yes, Dad.

  Doctor De Quincy : Don't call me Dad, an adequate settlement was made. Now, kindly show me up.

  Flossie : Certainly, sir. I'm Doctor De Quincy's Illegitimate Child!

  Doctor De Quincy : Great heavens girl, what are you thinking of?

  Flossie : Just showing you up... like you asked.

  Cook : Now, don't you mind about our Flossie, Doctor, she's been walking out with a young student and he's gone and filled her head with books! T'other night - caught him trying' to stuff a typewriter in her ear, so I won't let him see her no more. Now, you - in the kitchen and prick my sausages, and quick! Now then... so, shall I show you up?

  Doctor De Quincy : Yes, please.

  Cook : Now, just come on...

• Doctor De Quincy : Well, one thing that we have to remember Cook, is that she is an elderly lady, and uhh, we can't expect her to be in the rudest of health.

  Cook : Well, I don't mind telling you Doctor, I'll feel a lot easier in my mind when she's dead.

  Doctor De Quincy : A sentiment that does you credit, Cook; if you don't mind my saying so. Especially, as you yourself are no stranger to suffering. How are the palpitations, by the by?

  Cook : Oh, gettin' worse and worse, Doctor. Every time I stoop to pick something up, it hurts like billy-hole!

  Doctor De Quincy : Well, I should't do it then. Right, well I'll just pop down and see you after I've attended to your mistress. Kindly have a sample of your water waiting for me.

  Cook : Oh no sir, don't be so foolish, you shall have our very best port wine!

• [Jennifer Saunders as Grandma] 

  Cook : Doctor's here mum. I've sent him up to your room.

  The Fuddle Family : Good... and don't call me 'mum', cook, I'm not your mum. I once had the misfortune of meeting your mum and I remember quite clearly that she wasn't me.

  Cook : I'm sorry Mrs. Fuddle. Y'know, it's my eyesight is that bad; I spent the whole morning hovering the bath with a tin of spaghetti hoops.

  The Fuddle Family : No, your eyesight is perfect Cook, it's your mind that's gone. Right - where is this bloomin' Doctor?

  Cook : He's up here. Here we go...

• [Jennifer Saunders as Madeleine] 

  Cook : Heeeeello, tiny stranger! You are so beautiful. Like a huge red lawn with a sausage on it. We have only just met, but I feel as if I have known you since breakfast. Perhaps in some other life, we have made love in the morning, with only a warm croissant for protection. Come, let us be nude-ing.

  The Fuddle Family : Oh, Dalcroix, I have travelled so far to hear your wisdom. You who are France's greatest poet and stinker.

  Cook : Thinker. France's greatest poet and *thinker*.

  The Fuddle Family : Pardon me, I am English and my French accent is not always perfect.

  Cook : Ahh, but French is the language of beauty and poetry, my little... doorbell. I will help you. Let us begin. Do you know the word 'shag'?

  The Fuddle Family : Oh, Dalcroix, I have come to learn from you. To join your happy band of disciples and dedicate my life to poetry. I've come to make my home with you!

  Cook : Your home? You have no home already? You're very young!

  The Fuddle Family : No, I'm an orphan. I've not had a real family since I was a very little child. I remember almost nothing of them. Oh, Dalcroix, all my life I've worshipped poetry and beauty, and even dared hope that perhaps one day I might write something of merit. Allow me to come and live here with you and your other pupils, and worship at your feet.

  Cook : Yeeeees, well... we can start with my feet.

• [Jennifer Saunders as Grandma] 

  Cook : Now come along, my young lady. This is bubble one thirteen now, not these ten million years time. Stick your elbow in the kettle, see if the water's boiling; you lazy little lumpy.

  Flossie : Don't call me 'lumpy'... wobble butt.

  Cook : Oh, such insolence! Never in my b... what have you got there?

  Flossie : Nuthin'.

  Cook : Don't you give me, 'nuthin', you naughty naughty wicked... is *this* nothing?

  Flossie : It's only an old photo.

  Cook : Why... this is Master Guy!

  Flossie : Washed his pants all my life; but I love him! Seen the packaging; get one hand on the goods.

  Cook : Scrub your mouth out, to say such things!

  Flossie : He's a lovely man! He's sweet and noble and that old witch Mrs. Fuddle treats him so cruel, I could weep to see it!

  Cook : Never in all my born doings have I seen such naughtness!

  Flossie : She's a bonkers old bag, and I'd like to blow her up.

  Cook : Not one more word! Am I to take the broomstick to your backside, Miss? To say such cruel things. Her, with her poor husband still warm under the garage door.

  Flossie : She had no more love for Mr. Harold than she has for Master Guy. All she loves is her granddaughters, but they've gone aren't they? Where'd they go Cook? Why'd they leave?

  Cook : There's some things better left unsaid Flossie, and that's one of them. So is 'plop', and another one is the f-word. Yes? What is it you want Mrs. Fuddle?

  The Fuddle Family : A peaceful and caring society, Cook.

  Cook : And it does you great credit - if I may be so bold.

  The Fuddle Family : Don't patronize me, you stupid servant! Where's my bloody tea?

  Cook : Oh, dear... dear! Hasn't that young Flossie arrived with it yet? Why, I sent her packing five minutes ago...

  Flossie : No, she didn't, Mrs. Fuddle!

  Cook : Oh, yes I did.

  Flossie : I'm still here! Oh!

  Cook : I'll umm... just tippin' her along, thank you, Mrs. F. Now young Flossie, get that tea tray upstairs! And let's have a bit less mooning about over Master Guy, shall we? You know what they say, don't you? 'Dirty thoughts - anal warts.'

• [Jennifer Saunders as Grandma] 

  Guy Fuddle : Here, come on, come on; heave straight, heave straight. I know the feeling. Well, it was great of you blokes to come out on such short notice. Sorry it was such a tough job. He was well and truly waxed, wasn't he? Hah hah. Well, anyway, thanks!

  Cook : G'morning Mrs. Fuddle, here's your coffee. I just left Master Guy positively foaming at the mouth. Certainly seems upset.

  The Fuddle Family : I'm not surprised, I just blew up his car.

  Cook : Hehehe...

  Guy Fuddle : Grandma, what is wrong with this family? What is wrong with you? Other people's grannies knit them jumpers, or bake them delicious cakes... you blew up my car!

  The Fuddle Family : Yes, I did.

  Guy Fuddle : I mean, I've always known you were't a warm or effusive person, but you're not really a proper granny at all are you? I might as well have had an old piece of chewing gum for a granny, instead of you. A piece of chew gum, might not be able to knit very well, or bake; but it wouldn't blow up my car, would it? Maybe, just maybe, it would love me for just what I am; and not the four girls I never can be! I wouldn't mind that it was small and horrid, and annoy people when they have it stuck under their tables in restaurants. Also, I would love it, and it would love me, and that's the sort of relationship *you* can't understand Grandma! The deep affection that a man can have for an object, any object... just so long as that object doesn't blow up his sodding car!

  The Fuddle Family : Get out Guy, I'm sick of you! Get out of this house and never come back! Your a scrounging little git and I'm sick of ya. Your Grandfather always insisted we gave you a home, and now he's gone; you can go too. You will undoubtedly starve under a hedge.

  Guy Fuddle : All I want to know is; where is my family? What's happened to my mother? Why my sisters all left home, and why you hate me *so* much?

  The Fuddle Family : Well... I'm not gonna tell you, so sod off.

• [Jennifer Saunders as Grandma] 

  Doctor De Quincy : Just wait her Jim, I shan't be a mini-mo. I just have to go and tell Mrs. Fuddle she's dying, and Cook that she's pregnant. Quite extraordinary... I never would have thought it of old Cook. I'm afraid that I'm just going to have to suggest to the Vicar that he ban her from attending any more church hall Gay Discos.

  Jim : Good luck, Plum Plops.

  Doctor De Quincy : Oh, there was something that I wanted to tell you, Cook... now what was it? Oh, can't remember. Can't have been that important can it? Ah, Guy, and how are we? Tiggery-boo or not so pucker?

  Guy Fuddle : Not so pucker, I'm afraid, Doctor. My grandmother's blown up my car, and thrown me out without telling me the true history of my unhappy family!

  Doctor De Quincy : Women, hey? Ha Ha haaaa, bless 'em!

  Cook : Come along, doctor... Dr. De Quincy!

  The Fuddle Family : I can see that Cook, now get out!

  Doctor De Quincy : Oh, splendid, splendid. Gorgeous.

  The Fuddle Family : Fine of you to call, Doctor.

  Doctor De Quincy : Not at all, not at all. Dear me, I do have some professional pride, you know? I can hardly tell you you're going to die over the telephone, could I?

  The Fuddle Family : What?

  Doctor De Quincy : Oh my God... I've gone and put my foot in it, haven't I? Didn't know, did you? Tsk. I've always taken such a pride in my bedside manner. Still, there it is - you can't hide it now, you're going to die in about, umm... nine months time.

  The Fuddle Family : Nine months, you say? So, I can presume this is not merely old age?

  Doctor De Quincy : Oh, absolutely not, you could live for years yet. No, I'm afraid you're suffering from a very rare disease. In fact, the last chap who had it, was a seventeenth century Spanish book burner; and of course, he's dead now. Which shows you just how dangerous it can be.

  The Fuddle Family : Is there no cure?

  Doctor De Quincy : Well, I... there is one, but I... no, it's too fantastic. A real long shot! On the whole I should advise you to start gathering your family about you. You know the sort of thing; aged aunts, family friends - anybody you fancy bidding cheerio to when you finally shuffle off this mortal coil.

  The Fuddle Family : This cure, Doctor?

  Doctor De Quincy : Oh, it's out of the question. it's messy, it's dangerous... probably illegal. No, as I say...

• [Jennifer Saunders as Grandma] 

  Guy Fuddle : Well Cook, Flossie... this is it.

  Flossie : Oh, sir, it's a proper,what's-it... no mistake.

  Cook : We shall miss you, Master Guy.

  Guy Fuddle : Yes, and I shall miss you too Cook. Well, not you specifically, of course; but I shall miss having servants around the place. Which amounts to much the same thing, doesn't it?

  Cook : That it does, sir.

  Guy Fuddle : Well... here goes.

  The Fuddle Family : Guy? Guy!

  Guy Fuddle : Grandma!

  The Fuddle Family : I need your help, Guy, I need your help. I want you to track down your four sisters, Guy. Track them down and bring them home.

  Guy Fuddle : Grandma, are we going to be a family again? All the secrets and hating done with?

  The Fuddle Family : Oh... yes Guy, yes. I want you bring them back, all of them; within nine months. Then we can all be happy.

  Guy Fuddle : Grandma! Grandma!

  The Fuddle Family : Please Guy, don't.

  Guy Fuddle : What?

  The Fuddle Family : Put your hands in your pockets like that, I know what you're doing. Now, run! No time to waste. All of them, mind... all of my darlings... shall all return.

  [last lines] 

• [Jennifer Saunders as Grandma] 

  Doctor De Quincy : Hope you get the door open, Guy! Forecast's fine weather, so it's bound to rain. Nyahhahaha. Experts, haha! Look at me, I'm a doctor, but I hope I'm man enough admit I can't tell a urine sample from a bottle of Lucozade. Hahaha, toodles didgery, hahaha...

  Guy Fuddle : Ahhh, huh! Grandma? Are you there?

  The Fuddle Family : Guy wants me to bury you, Harold. Wants me to take you away from here, and give you a good Christian burial. But is that really fair, I ask myself? I mean, what've you ever done for me? Nothing. So, why should I? Does that sound awfully hard and bitter? I do hope so.

  Guy Fuddle : If you don't let me bury Grandpa this instant, I shall... call the police! I will! I'll tell the police.

  The Fuddle Family : You're such a hypocrite, Guy! Why all the sudden interest? You never wanted to bury him when he was alive?

  Guy Fuddle : I've called them, I have! I've called the police... and they'll be here any moment. So you better watch out! Oh... look, here they come! Dee-Dah, Dee-Dah, Dee-Dah, Dee-Dah! Vrooom! Screech! Clunk. Pitter- patter. Slam! Oh... hello officer, that was quick. Well, we've got to get the old boy planted pretty sharpish... or there'll be hell... to pay.

  The Fuddle Family : Stop putting on that ridiculous voice, Guy, because I know for a fact you're not a police officer. Why, you could't even get your First-Aid badge in Cubs!

  Guy Fuddle : That's a bloody lie! I was victimized just because I wouldn't play hide-the-sausage, when we sang 'Ging Gang Goollie'.

  Cook : Tea's ready in the drawing room, lovey.

  The Fuddle Family : If you ever call me 'lovey' again, Cook; I shall take Mr. Fuddles old hunting rifle and shove it up your behind... sideways.

  Cook : Oh, Mrs. Fuddle, you spoil me.

  The Fuddle Family : I do!

  Guy Fuddle : Grandma, *please* let me bury grandpa. It's raining! At this rate I shall have to have it resprayed!

  The Fuddle Family : Guy, under no circumstances are you to have your grandfather's corpse resprayed. But if you do... you must consult me first about the color!