- Ernie: Angie lied to you. She told you a BIG lie.
- George Lopez: One of the kids isn't mine? Is it Carmen?
- Angie Lopez: [George says he painted part of the mural] Which part?
- George Lopez: The butt crack. Your butt had no crack, Angie! It was one big cheek!
- George Lopez: [to Angie] Morning, honey, I tried to surprise you with breakfast in bed but you accidentally locked the door and pushed the dresser in front of it. Check it out: heart shaped pancakes, heart shaped toast, heart shaped ham steak, heart shaped omelet.
- [Angie cuts all the food in halves]
- George Lopez: Hey! You're breaking all my hearts!
- George Lopez: [Angie's in a chat room complaining about men] Is anybody defending me?
- Angie Lopez: Yeah, the 13 year old boy pretending to be a lesbian. The rest of them suggest counseling.
- George Lopez: [in deep voice, to Angie] I KNOW! Carla told Ernie and Ernie told me, and doing this hurts my throat but I KNOW!
- Max Lopez: Mom, will you be my valentine?
- George Lopez: [under his breath] Suckup.
- Angie Lopez: Let's see what you got.
- [takes lid off jewelry box]
- Angie Lopez: Oh these earrings are beautiful!
- [gasps]
- Angie Lopez: Are these the ones with my birthstone?
- Max Lopez: [looks at George] Yeah, garnets.
- Carmen Lopez: A hat? That's it? Why didn't you just get her a punch in the face?
- George Lopez: Maybe because I'm saving that for somebody's 16th birthday!
- [jumps up]
- Ernie: How did Angie like her gift?
- George Lopez: To be honest, she wasn't too thrilled. Every year I try and find something that she'll like, but I'm just no good at getting presents.
- Carmen Lopez: [sees Angie's garden hat] What's with the hat?
- George Lopez: What's with the sweater?
- Angie Lopez: It's your dad's valentine present for me.
- Carmen Lopez: Oh, I get it, the real present's buried in the garden. Maybe those earrings with your birthstones you've been wanting.
- Max Lopez: [looks at George] That's right, some of us can take hints, and some of us can't!
- Ernie: [after the party] I'll help cleanup, but I'm not going home. It's the one day of the year that my parents get romantic. It takes all day and it usually ends up with my dad drunk and crying, and my mom playing the accordion.