- Max Lopez: Have you been wrestling?
- Carmen Lopez: No, why?
- Max Lopez: You got a big purple bruise on your neck.
- Carmen Lopez: [looks in compact mirror] Oh my God, Adam!
- Max Lopez: You name your bruises too?
- [shows one on his arm]
- Max Lopez: This is Steve!
- George Lopez: From now on, you're homeschooled, anything we don't know, you don't know. When was the Korean War? I don't know and neither do you! What's the Magna Carter? Sorry, bro!
- Meter Lady: I'm here to check your gas meter.
- Max Lopez: My dad says you should put one of those meters on my butt, you'd make a lot of money!
- George Lopez: Angie, have you seen Carmen's dance shirt?
- Angie Lopez: Which one?
- Benny: The ones with the enormous breasts in it.
- George Lopez: Keep it clean! Chi chis!
- Angie Lopez: There's something I want to talk to you about, but first let me make us a cup of tea.
- Carmen Lopez: [groans] No! The last time we had tea it was to talk about my special visitor, oh and you forgot to mention she comes with a couple friends: crampy and bloaty!
- George Lopez: [Adam's at the door] Angie, does that moron have a hickey?
- Angie Lopez: Yep.
- Carmen Lopez: Run, Adam!
- [Adam freezes]
- Angie Lopez: You better *run*, moron!
- Angie Lopez: [George comes in disheveled with a radio antenna in hand] What happened to you?
- George Lopez: Racial profiling.
- Angie Lopez: What?
- George Lopez: Let me ask you a question: if you're a cop, who do you chase? The BMW that runs a red light, or the Mexican chasing the BMW screaming 'I'll kill you!'?
- Angie Lopez: Is that Adam's car antenna?
- George Lopez: Yep, touch my daughter and you go back to AM, fool.
- George Lopez: Tell her about being 16 and pregnant, tell her about how I ruined your life.
- Benny: Oh you didn't ruin my life.
- George Lopez: This is no time for jokes!
- Benny: [to Carmen] Your father didn't ruin my life, *I* ruined my life. Look, when you're young you meet a guy who seems great, and you forget about what's right or wrong and go to bed with him, and it's pretty good!
- George Lopez: MOM!
- Benny: I'm not going to lie! But then, he doesn't turn out to be as great as you thought and the next thing you know, you're alone with a baby. And while the rest of your friends are out having a great time, you're up to your stretch marks in dirty diapers. I gave up all my pretty years for him
- [points to George]
- George Lopez: Are you ready for that to be you?
- Carmen Lopez: I'm not going to have sex, I know I'm not ready yet.
- George Lopez: [showing Carmen pictures of STDs to scare her out of having sex] Some of these diseases can kill you, and then there are others like... Angie, where are my genital herpes?
- Angie Lopez: They should be in your lap.
- George Lopez: No, all I have here is crabs.
- George Lopez: [showing Carmen pictures] This is gonorrhea!
- [Carmen squeezes her eyes shut and moans]
- George Lopez: Bet you're not glad now you talked me into getting that color printer.
- [to Angie]
- George Lopez: The red really pops.