- Carmen Lopez: [discovers Max is peeking on Olivia through a hole in Carmen's wall] So what do you think of my little brother?
- Olivia: He's cute.
- Carmen Lopez: Yeah, too bad about his eye.
- Olivia: What's wrong with his eye?
- Max Lopez: [Carmen sprays perfume into the hole] OW!
- Ernie: Oh my God! How could you peep at my mom, George?
- George Lopez: It was an accident, Ernie. Who watches TV naked after a shower?
- Ernie: She likes to air dry!
- Max Lopez: [after Carmen's prank lands him in the hospital with stitches in his head] I'm gonna kill her.
- Angie Lopez: Max!
- Max Lopez: No, I mean it, I'm really going to kill her, and Grandma told me how to make it look like an accident.
- Angie Lopez: You're NOT killing anyone, and now you know what it feels like to have your privacy violated.
- George Lopez: [to Angie] I treat both my kids exactly the same.
- Benny: No you don't, you treat the boy better. But Carmen's gotta get used to it; it's always been this way. I cannot tell you how much easier my life would've been if I'd had something dangling between my legs.
- George Lopez: Ugh, that's a pretty picture of my mommy.
- Benny: Max, how's your head? How many bottles of beer am I holding up honey?
- George Lopez: Honey? You never called me honey.
- Benny: Well, you should've been cuter.
- Angie Lopez: [talking with George on his cell phone, unaware he's right outside the sliding door] Are you coming home soon?
- George Lopez: Yeah, and by the way, make sure you lock the doors, I heard on the radio there's this guy going around breaking into people's houses.
- Angie Lopez: Is he in our area?
- George Lopez: [sneaks up behind her] Yeeeees!
- Angie Lopez: [screams, turns around] Damn you!
- George Lopez: Come on, Carmen, let's go for a ride.
- Carmen Lopez: [suspiciously] Am I coming back?
- George Lopez: As long as you're a tax deduction, you will always be safe in my home.
- George Lopez: [sees the picture Carmen took of Max] You fight with guys, you peep at girls, you sleep in your underwear with a pink bunny, you're a complex dude, Max.
- George Lopez: Why're you crying?
- Carmen Lopez: Because I'm so happy!
- George Lopez: [crying too] I got you a cellphone to make everything better, stop crying!
- George Lopez: I was a boy so I get why Max peeped, but I don't get you anymore. I did when you were little because you were just like a little boy, except you never got caught in your zipper.
- Carmen Lopez: Well I'm not a little boy or little girl anymore and I'd like to have my feelings respected.