- George Lopez: Carmen, you're sixteen. How can you be pregnant?
- Benny: Whoa, deja vu. I remember having this same fight with my dad except he chased me through the neighborhood with a machete. Back then, they let you be parents.
- Carmen Lopez: [to Jason] Let's do it tomorrow night. It'll be so romantic. I'll rent a hotel room for us, buy a sexy new outfit, and I'll bring Mr. Snugglebear?
- Jason: You're going to bring your Mr. Snugglebear?
- Carmen Lopez: Yeah! Does it bother you that he's a boy bear?
- George Lopez: We thought you were dead, Mom. Your house burned down.
- Benny: That's not funny.
- George Lopez: We're not kidding. The fireman said it started in the bedroom.
- Angie Lopez: Where have you been?
- Benny: I was at Thirsty's getting a drink, I met a trucker, I got in his cab. Oh, so that's why you thought I was dead. Someone called 'cause they heard the screams. Well, he wasn't very flexible to start with, but he is now.
- [George and Angie are unable to figure out what to do about Carmen]
- Angie Lopez: Why don't you blow out your candle and make it your birthday wish?
- [George blows out the candle on the cupcake]
- Vic Palmero: [rushes out with the phone] Ernie's on the phone! Your mother's house is on fire!
- Angie Lopez: George!
- George Lopez: I used my wish on Carmen, I swear!
- Angie Lopez: You named the golf balls?
- George Lopez: Yeah. See the letters? C is for Carmen, J is for Jason, and B is for Benny.
- Angie Lopez: Why does this one have an *A* on it?
- George Lopez: Uh, A is for Aaaannnybody.
- George Lopez: I decided I wanted to be called Papi instead of Grandpa. Now do you want to be called Granny or Nana?
- Angie Lopez: I am not a Nana!
- [turns to the side]
- Angie Lopez: This is not the butt of a Nana!
- Angie Lopez: [Benny reveals she kept all her money in her mattress] How much did you lose?
- Benny: All of it. After busting my ass at the factory all my life, $53,000 gone.
- George Lopez: How did you get that much in a mattress?
- George Lopez: [about Jason leaving Carmen] I'll get my clichés ready. 'You were too good for him', 'There are a lot of other fish in the ocean'. This one's my favorite, but you gotta sit down for this one. 'Everything happens for a reason'. You gotta sell that in the eyes. Watch that compassion.
- Max Lopez: 'Everything happens for a reason'? That's what you said when my hamster died!
- George Lopez: What did you want me to say? That Mr. Fluffer starved because a selfish little boy got a skateboard and forgot to feed him?
- [Max looks horrified]
- George Lopez: Yeah, you wish you had a cliche now, don't you, hamster killer?