- Benny: [about Linda] The last time I saw her, she was all crying and needy.
- Angie Lopez: She was four days old!
- Benny: People don't change.
- Linda Lorenzo: [after discovering she's been adopted] This morning I woke up and I was the only child of two loving Italian parents. Now it's 11:00 pm and I'm a Mexican.
- George Lopez: [to Benny about Linda] If you just open up, show her what you're really like, I guarantee she'll never want to see you again.
- Benny: She's not going anywhere. She wants to make me feel guilty and I've got nothing to be sorry about. I couldn't keep both of you, but I made sure she had a good home and nice parents.
- George Lopez: Is that what this is about? Deep down, you feel guilty?
- Benny: I don't need to hear this from you.
- George Lopez: Look, my father wasn't in my life and I always felt like there was something missing because I didn't know him. I'm telling you, Mom, that's how Linda is feeling right now.
- Benny: I am nothing like your father was.
- George Lopez: If you walk out that gate, you are.
- Linda Lorenzo: I'll arrange Max to retake the test and then maybe he won't do so well, and I'll be forced to put him back in special ed.
- George Lopez: Wow, you're already holding one of your own on your own back. Congratulations, Linda, you are Mexican.
- Linda Lorenzo: [to George] What are my real parents like?
- George Lopez: Well, your father's easy. He left Mom before you were born, I tracked him down last year, I punched him in the face, he asked me for a kidney, and then he died.
- Linda Lorenzo: And my mother?
- George Lopez: Oh, she's hard to describe in a few words. She's a short, bitter drunk... actually, that about covers it.
- George Lopez: Max really needs that special ed program.
- Linda Lorenzo: I can't put Max back in special ed.
- George Lopez: What? I just introduced you to your real mother.
- Linda Lorenzo: And now I owe you?
- Benny: Oh, God. I realized I made a huge mistake!
- George Lopez: Mom, you said you couldn't keep us both.
- Benny: I know! I should have taken her. She's smart, beautiful, has a good job, hell of a woman!
- George Lopez: Of course she turned out okay, she was raised by people!
- Benny: It's tough being the ugly sister.
- Linda Lorenzo: [to George] Why don't you want me to meet her? Are you jealous? You don't want to share your mother with me?
- George Lopez: Share? I'll trade! I can be Italian.
- [in an Italian accent]
- George Lopez: Try the canollis! Forget about it! I know a guy! Whatcha! Badd-bing-ho!
- Linda Lorenzo: That's a stereotype.
- George Lopez: What do you care? You're a Mexican.
- Angie Lopez: Show her this letter Max wrote about why he wants to stay in regular classes, I think it'll help strengthen our case.
- George Lopez: [reads letter] Dear sir or madman...
- [looks at Angie, continues reading]
- George Lopez: I really want to stay in regular classes and here are my pot five raisins.
- [to Angie]
- George Lopez: We let this kid use a knife at the dinner table?
- George Lopez: [to Linda] Read this letter he wrote, and keep in mind this is not a trained monkey, this is a human boy.
- George Lopez: [Carmen sneaks down to the kitchen in the dark for a snack] We're out of ice cream.
- [turns on the light and reveals he's eaten a dozen ice cream cups]
- Carmen Lopez: [worried] Do I need to go get Mom?
- George Lopez: Carmen, how would you feel if you found out you were adopted and I wasn't really your dad?
- Carmen Lopez: Dad, don't ever say that... unless you're sure it's true! God, that would explain SO much!
- George Lopez: You're mine! If you were adopted, I would've returned you, California has lemon laws.
- George Lopez: This school can't afford special ed. but they can sure afford urinals that flush themselves.
- Angie Lopez: Why are you so out of breath?
- George Lopez: [laughs] I got them all going at once! It sounded like a waterfall... then the sound of the water made me had to go again.
- Ernie: Hey what's this, a belt for a wedding dress?
- Angie Lopez: Stop it, that's a garter, one of my clients is a plus-sized bride.
- George Lopez: It's a brave man that goes to rip this off with his teeth.