George Lopez (TV Series)

George Gets Assisterance (2005)

George Lopez: George Lopez

Quotes 

• George Lopez : This is LA. You want to learn Spanish? Take a bus.

• George Lopez : [to Benny about Linda]  If you just open up, show her what you're really like, I guarantee she'll never want to see you again.

  Benny : She's not going anywhere. She wants to make me feel guilty and I've got nothing to be sorry about. I couldn't keep both of you, but I made sure she had a good home and nice parents.

  George Lopez : Is that what this is about? Deep down, you feel guilty?

  Benny : I don't need to hear this from you.

  George Lopez : Look, my father wasn't in my life and I always felt like there was something missing because I didn't know him. I'm telling you, Mom, that's how Linda is feeling right now.

  Benny : I am nothing like your father was.

  George Lopez : If you walk out that gate, you are.

• Linda Lorenzo : I'll arrange Max to retake the test and then maybe he won't do so well, and I'll be forced to put him back in special ed.

  George Lopez : Wow, you're already holding one of your own on your own back. Congratulations, Linda, you are Mexican.

• Linda Lorenzo : [to George]  What are my real parents like?

  George Lopez : Well, your father's easy. He left Mom before you were born, I tracked him down last year, I punched him in the face, he asked me for a kidney, and then he died.

  Linda Lorenzo : And my mother?

  George Lopez : Oh, she's hard to describe in a few words. She's a short, bitter drunk... actually, that about covers it.

• George Lopez : Max really needs that special ed program.

  Linda Lorenzo : I can't put Max back in special ed.

  George Lopez : What? I just introduced you to your real mother.

  Linda Lorenzo : And now I owe you?

• Benny : Oh, God. I realized I made a huge mistake!

  George Lopez : Mom, you said you couldn't keep us both.

  Benny : I know! I should have taken her. She's smart, beautiful, has a good job, hell of a woman!

  George Lopez : Of course she turned out okay, she was raised by people!

  Benny : It's tough being the ugly sister.

• Linda Lorenzo : [to George]  Why don't you want me to meet her? Are you jealous? You don't want to share your mother with me?

  George Lopez : Share? I'll trade! I can be Italian.

  [in an Italian accent] 

  George Lopez : Try the canollis! Forget about it! I know a guy! Whatcha! Badd-bing-ho!

  Linda Lorenzo : That's a stereotype.

  George Lopez : What do you care? You're a Mexican.

• Angie Lopez : Show her this letter Max wrote about why he wants to stay in regular classes, I think it'll help strengthen our case.

  George Lopez : [reads letter]  Dear sir or madman...

  [looks at Angie, continues reading] 

  George Lopez : I really want to stay in regular classes and here are my pot five raisins.

  [to Angie] 

  George Lopez : We let this kid use a knife at the dinner table?

• George Lopez : [to Linda]  Read this letter he wrote, and keep in mind this is not a trained monkey, this is a human boy.

• George Lopez : [Carmen sneaks down to the kitchen in the dark for a snack]  We're out of ice cream.

  [turns on the light and reveals he's eaten a dozen ice cream cups] 

  Carmen Lopez : [worried]  Do I need to go get Mom?

  George Lopez : Carmen, how would you feel if you found out you were adopted and I wasn't really your dad?

  Carmen Lopez : Dad, don't ever say that... unless you're sure it's true! God, that would explain SO much!

  George Lopez : You're mine! If you were adopted, I would've returned you, California has lemon laws.

• George Lopez : This school can't afford special ed. but they can sure afford urinals that flush themselves.

  Angie Lopez : Why are you so out of breath?

  George Lopez : [laughs]  I got them all going at once! It sounded like a waterfall... then the sound of the water made me had to go again.

• Ernie : Hey what's this, a belt for a wedding dress?

  Angie Lopez : Stop it, that's a garter, one of my clients is a plus-sized bride.

  George Lopez : It's a brave man that goes to rip this off with his teeth.