Frasier (TV Series)

Four for the Seesaw (1997)

Kelsey Grammer: Dr. Frasier Crane

Photos 

Quotes 

• Frasier : I suppose we could share a table. There's a couple of seats available there.

  [He gestures to a table where 2 attractive women are seated] 

  Niles : Oh good Lord. We can't sit with strange women.

  Frasier : Why not? We married strange women.

• Niles : Those two are coming on to us.

  Frasier : You know, they are very attractive, Niles. Maybe we should ask them out.

  Niles : On a date? We just met!

  Frasier : [sarcastically]  Good point, Niles. Perhaps we should go out with them a few more times before we ask them on a date.

• Niles : Well in honor of what happened today, a toast to winging it.What greater thrill is there than going down an unknown path, not quite sure where it will lead. Just enjoying the way that path wends and... and what it looks like and... and where it goes off to a...

  Frasier : Perhaps you should have left a trail of breadcrumbs before you started down that toast.

• Niles : [Frasier has thrown Niles's cell phone out the door]  What are you doing? What if she's changed her mind again, how I am supposed to know what to think?

  Frasier : I'm just going to say this one last time. This weekend is not about thinking, it's about doing. Doing something that the Crane boys haven't done for a very, very long time! For once in our miserable, sex-starved lives, can't we do something pleasurable without thinking it to death?

  [Unaware to the boys, Laura and Beth enter the room] 

  Frasier : Don't think about today, don't think about what's right! Don't even think of them as Laura and Beth! For tonight they are just two live, breathing, available female bodies who want us!

  Laura Paris : Think again!

  [Laura and Beth slam their doors] 

• Niles : She changed her mind, she doesn't want me to go through with this. Do you realize what's happening here?

  Frasier : Yes! Your ex-wife is ruining my sex life!

• Frasier : You know, I think the key to a good kitchen is comfort.

  Beth Armstrong : Well, that's a whole current trend - a living room feel in the kitchen.

  Niles : Except of course with our father, who favors a kitchen feel in the living room.

• Niles : Well, Dad wasn't really thrilled with the women we married.

  Frasier : Yes, fortunately my taste has improved a lot since then.

  Laura Paris : [suggestive]  I think your taste is fabulous.

  [pause] 

  Laura Paris : I'm referring to the brandy, of course.

  Frasier : [Looking into his glass]  Hmm, velvety texture, great body.

  [Eyes Laura suggestively] 

  Frasier : I'm not.

• Frasier : Hello ladies, excuse me, would you mind terribly if we joined you until another table opens up?

  Laura Paris : Oh, please do!

  Frasier : Oh, thank you so much, that's very kind. I'm Frasier and...

  [pauses to look at Niles wiping down his chair] 

  Frasier : ... this gentleman dusting for fingerprints is my brother, Niles.

• Frasier : Niles, I can't take this anymore.

  Niles : These women are as inscrutable as sphinxes.

  Frasier : Yes. Since we've got here all they've done is send us the most veiled, cloaked, cryptic messages. Can't they just give us one clear signal?

  Beth Armstrong : [enters]  Well, I'm off to bed. Niles, are you coming?

  [exits to bedroom] 

  Niles : [missing the implication]  Curse these infernal riddles!

• Frasier : You feel like a new man, don't you?

  Niles : I feel like a new woman, and thank God I remembered to pack one!

• [Frasier and Niles are trying to figure out if their dates' intentions are platonic or not] 

  Niles : Oh, I know! Their luggage will tell us! We'll put my bag in with your date's, and your bag in with my date's. They'll see the mistake, and the way they correct it will tell us with whom they're planning to spend the night - each other, or us - and either way, it'll all look like a simple misunderstanding.

  Frasier : You've done this before!

  Niles : Only on my honeymoon, now hurry.

  [They start to move the suitcases, but Frasier stops] 

  Frasier : Niles, this is idiotic! We're both trained psychiatrists.

  Niles : Yes, and finally it's paying off!

• Frasier : This afternoon, for the first time in your life, a perfectly lovely woman that you don't even know has agreed to go away with you on a weekend. Isn't that exactly the kind of scenario you've always dreamed of?

  Niles : [Niles thinks about it, and is unable to keep from smiling]  Yes.

  Frasier : And if you pass it up, won't you regret it?

  Niles : [more energetic]  Yes.

  Frasier : Well then, for once in your timid, risk-free life, don't you think it's time you grabbed that brass ring?

  Laura Paris : [the girls enter]  Great kitchen, Frasier! You guys feel like firing up the cappuccino maker?

  Niles : [with gusto]  Yes!

  [pause] 

  Niles : Of course, if I have that much caffiene at this hour, it'll probably make me...

  [Frasier hits him] 

  Niles : YES!

• Frasier : Well Niles, you don't need a decoder ring to understand the phrase, "Make your own entertainment!"

• Frasier : Niles, when are you going to stop letting Maris be an anchor on your social life?

  Niles : Oh surely that is the most tortured metaphor you've ever come up with, "Maris" and "anchor".

• Frasier : [trying to figure out if their double date is intimate or not]  What do you suppose she meant when she said 'make our own entertainment?' But then again, there is that other part she said, 'sleep like a baby'.

  Niles : Yes, they could be thinking platonic. The two of them in one room sleeping like babies.

  Frasier : The two of us in another room crying like babies.

• Martin Crane : So, you've been out on a double date, huh?

  Beth Armstrong : Well, sort of. We met this afternoon and the next thing we knew, your sons were taking us out to dinner and then to the Seattle Rep.

  Martin Crane : Oh, what did you see?

  Laura Paris : 'The Man Who Came To Dinner.' It's about a bad-tempered invalid that moves into these people's house and just drives them crazy.

  Martin Crane : Oh, comedy?

  Frasier : I used to think so.

• Niles : I just... I just... I wouldn't know what to say. And besides, I'm a married man.

  Frasier : Oh, Niles, please, when will you get rid of that tired old excuse - your off again/off again relationship with Maris?