Quotes
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Dr. Niles Crane : I must say, you're taking this rather well.
Dr. Frasier Crane : What do you mean?
Dr. Niles Crane : Many people in your position would feel threatened at the thought of... well, another cat sharing the litter box.
Dr. Frasier Crane : Your flattering analogy aside, Niles, I take it as a tribute. Obviously, the station is so pleased with my show that they're looking for more of the same. They could hardly ask me to do another three hours. Imagine how exhausting that would be.
Dr. Niles Crane : And for you as well.
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George : We have Frasier Crane on line one.
Dr. Nora Fairchild : Frasier, you want to yell at me for that last call?
Dr. Frasier Crane : No, although I do believe that a gifted therapist can help two people put aside their anger and heal the differences between them.
Dr. Nora Fairchild : Blah, blah, blah.
Dr. Frasier Crane : I have someone here with me today, someone you haven't seen for quite a while. There's something she'd like to tell you, something she's wanted to tell you for a long, long time.
[Roz shows Mrs. Mulhern in]
Dr. Frasier Crane : Mrs. Mulhern?
Mrs. Mulhern : [to Dr Nora] You little whore!
Dr. Nora Fairchild : Mother!
Mrs. Mulhern : So, you thought you could get away from me, did you? Thought you could leave me to rot in that dump without barely enough cash for a bottle of Mateuse. You'll pay for that, missy!
Roz Doyle : [jumping for joy] I was wrong, Frasier! Your way IS better!
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Dr. Frasier Crane : I have just one question...
Roz Doyle : What kind of vicious, judgmental, name-calling, machete-mouth bitch are you?
Dr. Frasier Crane : I was going for the less feisty version.
Roz Doyle : I heard what you said to that single mother yesterday. For your information, I happen to be a single mom too.
Dr. Nora Fairchild : That doesn't surprise me after watching you pounce on poor George like a Kodiak bear on a salmon.
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Dr. Nora Fairchild : Save it. Whatever it is, I've already heard it. "Dr. Nora is mean, Dr. Nora hurts people's feelings." Well, too bad. I'm not here to coddle people, I'm here to help them.
Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh, really? And just how were you helping that poor, confused bisexual woman by calling her an "equal-opportunity slut?"
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Roz Doyle : I've been on the phone all day, digging up dirt on Dr. Nora, and you will not believe what I found!
Dr. Frasier Crane : Really?
Roz Doyle : I called the station where she used to work, and they couldn't wait to dish her. For starters, she has no medical degree.Her doctorate is in Physical Education!
Dr. Frasier Crane : She's a gym teacher?
Dr. Niles Crane : Wouldn't want to be the chubby kid in that gym class.
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Roz Doyle : Her name isn't Fairchild, she was born Mulhern, and Little Miss Family Values has two divorces behind her, and an affair with a married man!
Dr. Frasier Crane : Tomorrow, I am going to drop this little bombshell to start my show, and end hers!
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Dr. Nora Fairchild : I knew that you hated me, but I just can't believe you could be so cruel!
Dr. Frasier Crane : I was trying to help! She seemed delightful on the phone.
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Dr. Niles Crane : If you attack her like that, aren't you just descending to her level?
Dr. Frasier Crane : You know, Roz, maybe they're right. I mean, look at what this woman has reduced me to already, trading barbs, yelling over the air. Now spreading rumors about her? Is that any way for a psychiatrist to deal with conflict?
Roz Doyle : Don't you wimp out on me!
Dr. Frasier Crane : Now, Roz, just think about it. There may be a better way. You know, Dr. Nora is clearly a damaged and angry woman. Maybe I could find out what's at the root of that anger and help her, also proving that my method of therapy is the more valid one.
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Dr. Niles Crane : You know, if you want to analyze her, you might start with that whole mother thing. I caught her show yesterday, that certainly seemed to be a hot-button issue.
Dr. Frasier Crane : Yes, it did, didn't it? They've been estranged for years. You know, perhaps we could find the woman and discover what caused this rift between them.
Dr. Niles Crane : Maybe even effect a reconciliation.
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Mrs. Mulhern : Yes, you're Little Miss Perfect now, aren't you? Telling everybody else how wicked they are! They should hear about YOUR past!
Dr. Frasier Crane : Mrs. Mulhern, please!
Mrs. Mulhern : The shame you brought on me, you ungrateful tramp!
Dr. Nora Fairchild : Mother, please, I'm a good girl now.
Mrs. Mulhern : How you were paid... paid to leave town, by that nice boy's family.
Dr. Frasier Crane : For God's sake, Nora, go to commercial!
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Dr. Frasier Crane : Roz, Roz, please trust me, my way is better. Get in here.
[Frasier and Roz enter the waiting room]
Dr. Frasier Crane : Ah, Mrs. Mulhern. I'm Dr. Frasier Crane, it's such a pleasure to meet you.
Mrs. Mulhern : Oh, Dr. Crane, I can't thank you enough for finding me and bringing me here.
Dr. Frasier Crane : Well, I was so moved by your story. It's a joy to do this for you.
Mrs. Mulhern : For twenty years I wondered where my little girl was, and if I'd ever see her again.
Roz Doyle : What did you two fight about to begin with?
Mrs. Mulhern : Oh, I blame myself. I thought the man she wanted to marry wasn't good enough for her, so she eloped. And I've been so afraid the emphysema would finish me before I could ask her forgiveness and tell her I love her.
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Dr. Niles Crane : I thought to bolster my self-esteem i would adopt this raffish new look.
Dr. Frasier Crane : Well, it suits you. Dashing and yet understated and ah... Oh, i give up. What are we talking about?
Dr. Niles Crane : My mustasch. I grant you, it's at an early stage.
Dr. Frasier Crane : What stage? Research and development?
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Dr. Frasier Crane : All right, let's just settle this. We don't like each other, but we do have to coexist here. So why don't we agree that I won't criticize you, and you won't criticize me. Do we have a deal?
Martin Crane : No.
Dr. Frasier Crane : No?
Martin Crane : No, I will undermine you every chance I get, because you, Dr. Crane, are a dangerous man!
Dr. Frasier Crane : I'm dangerous?
Martin Crane : Yes. Seattle's great enabler. You tell tramps and fornicators that their problem is low self-esteem. They should have low self-esteem, they're going to hell!
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Dr. Frasier Crane : [to Dr. Nora before her first show] Listen, I want you to remember it's all right to be nervous. Even my first show was a tad bumpy.
Kenny Daly : Bumpy?
[laughs]
Kenny Daly : It was a train wreck! Medic, we got incoming!
Dr. Frasier Crane : Yes, thank you, Kenny. As I recall, you weren't even here then.
Kenny Daly : Oh, I got a tape of it from my Secret Santa.
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Dr. Frasier Crane : This is a woman who thinks the Spanish Inquisition was tough love for heretics!
