- [Joe is hanging from a ledge and Lois is trying to pull him back up]
- Lois Griffin: Joe, you're too heavy. I can't hang on!
- Joe Swanson: Pretend I'm your child, Lois!
- [Lois starts to loosen her grip]
- Joe Swanson: NOT MEG! NOT MEG!
- Peter Griffin: Yes, and we should do nothing to draw attention to ourselves as outsiders...
- Peter Griffin: [Points at Asian guy]
- Peter Griffin: Oh, my god, it's Jackie Chan.
- [Points at another Asian guy]
- Peter Griffin: Oh, my god, it's Jackie Chan.
- Jackie Chan: Hi, there. Nice to meet a fan of my movies.
- [to Peter]
- Jackie Chan: Oh, my god, its Ethan Hawke.
- Peter Griffin: Uh,no i'm not.
- Jackie Chan: Sorry my mistake.
- Jackie Chan: [At Chris]
- Jackie Chan: Oh, my god, it's Ethan Hawke.
- Meg Griffin: Mom, can we go get some food?
- Jackie Chan: [to Meg] Oh, my god it's, Malcom In Middle.
- Meg Griffin: I'm not a boy.
- Jackie Chan: Yes you are!
- Joe Swanson: [Joe is surprised to see fugitive Peter sumo wrestling] Oh, my God!
- Bonnie Swanson: [off-screen] Did you walk?
- Announcer: This program is brought to you by Asian Trix.
- [Commercial with three kids and the rabbit]
- Asian Kid: Silly, wabbit. Trix are for kids.
- Trix Rabbit: You Share!
- [Kills children]
- Peter Griffin: Quagmire, what are you doing here?
- Glen Quagmire: Oh, It's conjugal visit day, you know I love doing a woman in the can. OH! Giggity-giggity-giggity-goooo!
- Brian Griffin: Ugh, I can't believe you're serving a three year sentence, it seems so harsh.
- Lois Griffin: Well, the only upside is that it's given me time to think about why I ended up in here. I guess I was stealin' because I was so sick of the same old routine. I felt like I had a void in my life, like, like, there was a secret hole in me...
- Glen Quagmire: Oh God!
- Lois Griffin: ...and I was trying to fill that hole with all kinds of expensive objects, and things...
- Glen Quagmire: OH GOD!
- Lois Griffin: ...and I felt wonderful with all those things filling that hole.
- Glen Quagmire: OH GAWWWD!
- Lois Griffin: I did this to myself, so I'm just gonna have to lay back and let the penal system teach me a lesson.
- Glen Quagmire: That one is also sexual.
- Brian Griffin: Lois, you're in an auto parts store stealing mufflers. This is worse than that Winona Ryder thing!
- Lois Griffin: Are you saying I'm a klepto?
- Brian Griffin: Uh, actually, I was talking about "The Age of Innocence".
- [cut to scene from The Age of Innocence]
- Daniel Day-Lewis: It is settled, May. Our parents have consented and you and I are to be married on the first warm, sunny day of spring.
- Winona Ryder: [woodenly] That would be *most* good, Newland. *Most* good.
- Daniel Day-Lewis: [sighs, turns to crew off-camera] I'm sorry, but she is just awful. Is there any way... I mean, can we add, like, a topless scene or something?
- Martin Scorsese: [off-screen] Uh, yeah.
- Daniel Day-Lewis: Really?
- Martin Scorsese: Yeah.
- Daniel Day-Lewis: We can? Oh great! All right, we got a movie.
- Kidnapper: I got some candy in my van, if your kid wants some.
- Mom in Supermarket: Oh great!
- [Starts to hand over a baby]
- Mom in Supermarket: Wait a minute!
- Kidnapper: [laughs] Ah, you got me, you got me. I'll get him though.
- Mom in Supermarket: [laughs, walking off] I bet you will, I bet you will.
- Brian Griffin: [dressed-up as a woman, walking up and down Lois and Peter's bedroom] Uh, I have so much to do today. I have to do laundry, then I have a piano lesson, then I have to make dinner. I'm so busy. Better hurry.
- Stewie Griffin: [entering the room] Lois, I want my graham crack - -
- [realizing he's talking to Brian in drag]
- Stewie Griffin: Oh...
- Brian Griffin: [stops walking] Hey...
- Stewie Griffin: Hey... are you playing a little dress-up?
- Brian Griffin: Yeah...
- Stewie Griffin: Yeah... Good. It's fun to pretend. Hum... so, listen, if you see Lois, tell her...
- Brian Griffin: ...Graham cracker.
- Stewie Griffin: Graham cracker, yes, yes, that's... that's it. Hum... all right. So... I'm just gonna go out in the hallway and throw up about something else
- [exit backwards]
- Adam West: Damnit, Swanson, I want them found!
- Joe Swanson: Mayor West, we have every available man looking for the Griffins, we just don't have any leads.
- Adam West: Not the Griffins, you moron! The rest of my Lite Brite pieces! My name isn't "Adam We"... or is it? Who am I? What number did you call? Don't ever call here again.
- [he hangs up the phone]
- Adam West: I guess I told him! Nobody messes with Adam We!
- Lois Griffin: I feel like I've had this void all my life. Like there was a secret hole in me.
- Glen Quagmire: Oh, God!
- Lois Griffin: And I was trying to fill that hole with all these expensive things...
- Glen Quagmire: Ooooh, God!
- Lois Griffin: And I just enjoyed having all these things filling that hole.
- Glen Quagmire: Ohhhhhhhhhh, God!
- Lois Griffin: I guess I'm just going to have to sit back and let the penal system teach me a lesson.
- Glen Quagmire: That one is also sexual.
- Joe Swanson: [after chasing, tackling and beating Lois] Sorry, Lois. Regulations. I can't give you any special treatment.
- Lois Griffin: It's ok, Joe, I understand.
- Joe Swanson: Shut up, maggot!
- [continues beating her]