- Lewis Kiniski: [Oswald laughs as he is reading a section of a newspaper] What are you reading, the comics?
- Oswald Lee Harvey: No, no. I'm looking at a woman in a lingerie ad.
- Kate O'Brien: Why are you laughing?
- Oswald Lee Harvey: Because I'm getting turned on by the newspaper! I've reached a new low!
- Kate O'Brien: We found your obituary in the paper.
- Drew Carey: [Reads] "Drew Carey" Wow. "Employee at Winfred-Louder, dead from a car accident, he was 42." How did this get in the paper
- Mimi Bobeck Carey: [Walks to her desk] Hey, pig.
- [Goes on the store intercom]
- Mimi Bobeck Carey: Attention shoppers. In honor of Drew Carey being dead, for the next hour, you can 50% off all old-man underwear.
- Drew Carey: It's not my fault they haven't made any good underwear since the 50's.
- [Slams the paper with his obituary on her desk]
- Drew Carey: You did this didn't you?
- Mimi Bobeck Carey: How dare you! I'm deeply wounded by your insinuations-Yeah, I did it.
- [laughs]
- Mimi Bobeck Carey: The hospital sent me and Steve your death certificate.
- Drew Carey: Why? I was in a coma, but I didn't die!
- Mimi Bobeck Carey: Don't ask me. The hospital sent it to Steve, and I go through his mail. He keeps sending money to sponsor those needy third-world kids. We've got four already, no more!
- Lewis Kiniski: Kate, tell Drew what your life would be like without him.
- Kate O'Brien: Well, I wouldn't have my best friend. I mean, you're everything to me. I've never felt alone, because I know I'll always have you.
- Drew Carey: I've heard you say that to a pitcher of beer.
- Drew Carey: Do you know what the worst of all this is? Look at my obituary, look how small it is.
- [Takes the newspaper and puts a fry on it]
- Drew Carey: My entire life can be covered up by a French fry.
- Lewis Kiniski: [Takes the paper] Let me see that. I bet they left some good stuff out, huh?
- [Reads]
- Lewis Kiniski: Actually, I can cut this down to six words.
- Drew Carey: That's just great. Wick goes to Hawaii, you guys get rich, I die, everybody else goes to heaven.
- Lewis Kiniski: Well, we offered to cut you in.
- Drew Carey: That's not the point! The point is, I've helped more people who are dead than alive
- [takes the newspaper and points to it]
- Drew Carey: I mean, look at this guy. All of the list of the organizations he belonged to takes up more space than my whole obituary. You know, if I want a life that adds up to something, I gotta care too. I gotta volunteer somewhere.
- Oswald Lee Harvey: Hey, that's a great idea. My uncle was a general in the Salvation Army. Till he went crazy and led a surprise attack on the Goodwill store... There was blood and platform shoes everywhere.