The Cosby Show (TV Series)

Pilot (1984)

Malcolm-Jamal Warner: Theo Huxtable

Quotes 

• [Theo has received a "D" and is explaining why he should not be punished] 

  Theo : You're a doctor and Mom's a lawyer, and you're both successful in everything and that's great! But maybe I was born to be a regular person and have a regular life. If you weren't a doctor, I wouldn't love you less, because you're my dad. So rather than feeling disappointed because I'm not like you, maybe you should accept who I am and love me anyway, because I'm your son.

  Cliff : Theo... that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life! No wonder you get D's in everything! You're afraid to try because you're afraid your brain is going to explode and it's going to ooze out of your ears. Now I'm telling you, you are going to try as hard as you can. And you're going to do it because I said so. I am your father. I brought you into this world, and I'll take you out!

• Theo Huxtable : So, I've got everything I need, PLUS $200 left for the month.

  Cliff : You plan to have a girlfriend?

  Theo Huxtable : For sure.

  Cliff : [Cliff takes the remaining $200. He points at Theo's empty hand]  Regular people.

• Cliff : I love you, son.

  Theo : Yeah, Dad, I know.

  Cliff : Yeah, and maybe your mother loves you too.

• Theo : [upon being woken up]  Come on, Dad, five more minutes... Four? Three?

  Cliff : Is this an auction?

• Theo : But I'm not going to college.

  Cliff : Damn right!

• Cliff : [Cliff demonstrates budgeting using Monopoly money]  Suppose you graduate from high school. Let's say you just slide by. All right, now you've gotta find a job. Now what kind of salary do you expect for a regular person?

  Theo Huxtable : Mmm... $250 a week.

  Cliff : [pointing to the bed]  $250 a week?

  Theo Huxtable : Yeah.

  Cliff : Sit down. I'm going to give you $300 a week. Yes, indeed. $300 a week. $1200 a month. All right?

  Theo Huxtable : [Cliff hands the money to Theo]  Great, I'll take it!

  Cliff : Yes you will.

  [Cliff takes back $350] 

  Cliff : And I will take $350 for taxes.

  Theo Huxtable : Whoa!

  Cliff : Huh? Yeah, because see, the government comes for the regular people first.

• Cliff : Figure $100 a month for clothes and shoes.

  Theo Huxtable : Figure $200. I wanna look GOOD.

  Cliff : Okay. So what does that leave you with?

  Theo Huxtable : $200. So, no problem.

  Cliff : There IS a problem! You haven't EATEN yet!

  Theo Huxtable : [Cliff takes $100. Theo takes back his $100]  I can get by on bologna and cereal.

• Cliff : Now, how much does that leave you with?

  Theo Huxtable : $850.

  Cliff : All right. Now you've got to have an apartment because you are NOT going to live here.

  [Cliff takes $400 from Theo] 

  Cliff : So, an apartment in Manhattan will run you at least $400 a month.

  Theo Huxtable : [Theo takes back $200]  I'll live in New Jersey.

  Cliff : [Cliff takes $300]  All right. You live in New Jersey, you've got to have a car.

  Theo Huxtable : [Theo takes back $100]  I'll ride a motorbike.

  Cliff : [Cliff takes $50]  You need a helmet.