The Cosby Show (TV Series)

Pilot (1984)

Bill Cosby: Dr. Heathcliff 'Cliff' Huxtable

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Theo has received a "D" and is explaining why he should not be punished] 

  Theo : You're a doctor and Mom's a lawyer, and you're both successful in everything and that's great! But maybe I was born to be a regular person and have a regular life. If you weren't a doctor, I wouldn't love you less, because you're my dad. So rather than feeling disappointed because I'm not like you, maybe you should accept who I am and love me anyway, because I'm your son.

  Cliff : Theo... that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life! No wonder you get D's in everything! You're afraid to try because you're afraid your brain is going to explode and it's going to ooze out of your ears. Now I'm telling you, you are going to try as hard as you can. And you're going to do it because I said so. I am your father. I brought you into this world, and I'll take you out!

• [knock on the bedroom door during a tender moment] 

  Cliff : Who is it?

  [Vanessa and Rudy enter] 

  Cliff : No, no, no. When I say, "Who is it?", it doesn't mean for you to come in. When I say, "Who is it?", you say who it is.

  [the girls retreat, close the door, and knock again] 

  Cliff : Who is it?

  Vanessa Huxtable : [from beyond the door]  Who it is!

• Clair : Cliff, why do we have four children?

  Cliff : Because we did not want five.

• Theo Huxtable : So, I've got everything I need, PLUS $200 left for the month.

  Cliff : You plan to have a girlfriend?

  Theo Huxtable : For sure.

  Cliff : [Cliff takes the remaining $200. He points at Theo's empty hand]  Regular people.

• Cliff : Theo, your mother asked me to come up here and kill you.

• Cliff : I love you, son.

  Theo : Yeah, Dad, I know.

  Cliff : Yeah, and maybe your mother loves you too.

• Theo : [upon being woken up]  Come on, Dad, five more minutes... Four? Three?

  Cliff : Is this an auction?

• Theo : But I'm not going to college.

  Cliff : Damn right!

• Cliff : Where are you going?

  Denise Huxtable : I have a date, Daddy.

  Cliff : [referring to the belt on her leg]  Uh, not like that, blood cannot get up to your brain from there! And besides, it's a school night.

  Denise Huxtable : It's Friday, Daddy.

  Cliff : Yeah, but did you go to school today?

  Denise Huxtable : Yeah...

  Cliff : And so it's a "school night".

• Vanessa Huxtable : Dad, Denise pushed us out of the bathroom and wouldn't let me rinse the soap out of Rudy's eyes like Mom said and now Rudy might be blinded for life! If she is, can we get a dog?

  Cliff : No, but I'll tell you what, you can *walk* your sister... down to my room and get her cleaned up!

• Boyfriend in Pilot Episode : [points to his ear]  Are you looking at my ear?

  Cliff : No, I was looking at the earring in it.

• Cliff : The boy told me he wants to be "regular people" when in fact what he is is "lazy" people. And if the regular people find out he's using their name, they're gonna come and kick his butt!

• Cliff : [Cliff demonstrates budgeting using Monopoly money]  Suppose you graduate from high school. Let's say you just slide by. All right, now you've gotta find a job. Now what kind of salary do you expect for a regular person?

  Theo Huxtable : Mmm... $250 a week.

  Cliff : [pointing to the bed]  $250 a week?

  Theo Huxtable : Yeah.

  Cliff : Sit down. I'm going to give you $300 a week. Yes, indeed. $300 a week. $1200 a month. All right?

  Theo Huxtable : [Cliff hands the money to Theo]  Great, I'll take it!

  Cliff : Yes you will.

  [Cliff takes back $350] 

  Cliff : And I will take $350 for taxes.

  Theo Huxtable : Whoa!

  Cliff : Huh? Yeah, because see, the government comes for the regular people first.

• Cliff : Figure $100 a month for clothes and shoes.

  Theo Huxtable : Figure $200. I wanna look GOOD.

  Cliff : Okay. So what does that leave you with?

  Theo Huxtable : $200. So, no problem.

  Cliff : There IS a problem! You haven't EATEN yet!

  Theo Huxtable : [Cliff takes $100. Theo takes back his $100]  I can get by on bologna and cereal.

• Cliff : [to Rudy and Vanessa]  Come here... Come HEEERE. Here, here, here. You see, there is there, this is here. Come HERE.

• Cliff : Did you tell Denise she could go out on a date tonight?

  Clair Huxtable : Yes, I did.

  Cliff : Well, have you seen the boy?

  Clair Huxtable : Yes, I have.

  Cliff : Well, how ugly is he?

• Cliff : Now, how much does that leave you with?

  Theo Huxtable : $850.

  Cliff : All right. Now you've got to have an apartment because you are NOT going to live here.

  [Cliff takes $400 from Theo] 

  Cliff : So, an apartment in Manhattan will run you at least $400 a month.

  Theo Huxtable : [Theo takes back $200]  I'll live in New Jersey.

  Cliff : [Cliff takes $300]  All right. You live in New Jersey, you've got to have a car.

  Theo Huxtable : [Theo takes back $100]  I'll ride a motorbike.

  Cliff : [Cliff takes $50]  You need a helmet.

• Cliff : Who's in trouble now?

  Clair : Theodore.

  Cliff : Oh, good, 'cause I thought it was me.

• Cliff : All you have to do is cheer.

  Mr. McManis : Cheer?

  Cliff : Cheer. Push... cheer, cheer. Push 'em out, shove 'em out, waaaay out.

• Cliff : There are women who are nine months pregnant out picking rice and the baby falls right out and starts to pick beside the mother.

• Clair : You better handle it, because if I handle it, he's gonna smile and say, "No problem." And I'll have to kill him.

  Cliff : So you want me to kill him for you?

  Clair : Right.

  Cliff : Can I have something to eat before I kill him?

  Clair : Cliff!

  Cliff : Yeah, I'll be crueler on an empty stomach.

• Cliff : My wife, when she was there in the delivery room and that pain hit, my wife stood up and told everybody in the delivery room that my parents were never married.