- Charlie: [Talking to Ed about his past job] I was an insult comic. I did funny insults. Like my first job. There was a big guy sitting out there, I mean big, with shoulders out to here! He weighed 300 pounds. He was sitting with a girl. I said, 'Hey, Buddy, either your girlfriend is wearing a low-cut dress or I'm seeing things or both!'
- Ed Brown: Hey, I think that's pretty funny!
- Charlie: The customer didn't think so. But the nurses, when they rushed me to the hospital, they thought I was a riot. They loved it.
- Chico Rodriguez: [Chico comes out of the van, sees Charlie holding a gun on Ed, and strikes a martial-arts pose and begins making vocalized noises] Yaah! Waah! Ooh!
- Ed Brown: What's the matter with you? Take it easy with all that karate stuff! This man is harmless!
- Chico Rodriguez: So am I. I only know the sounds.
- Ed Brown: Oh! Pardon me, Miss, I beg your pardon. But can I do anything for you?
- Hooker: Funny, Sailor, I was just about to ask you the same thing.
- Ed Brown: How do you like that? First time my ship comes in and I've sunk my pier.
- Hooker: Poor baby.
- Ed Brown: I'm sorry.
- Hooker: Who's your friend?
- [as she looks at Chico]
- Chico Rodriguez: Can I help you, Madame?
- Hooker: Don't call me, Madame. I work alone.
- Chico Rodriguez: [Chico, masquerading as the Stocking Bandit, looks at the hooker after everyone else has placed their valuables on the table] You too, Mama. Put your valuables on there.
- Hooker: [With her hands raised and without saying a word, she slowly walks over and sits down on the edge of the table]
- Chico Rodriguez: [Charlie comes stumbling into the garage after his fight with Bubba. Ed and Chico sit him down in front of the gas pump] Man, I never expected to see you alive again!
- Charlie: [Breathlessly] I beat him! I beat him!
- Ed Brown: You beat Bubba? You must be a fantastic fighter!
- Charlie: I'm a lousy fighter! I'm a fantastic runner!
- Chico Rodriguez: [Charlie is getting ready to fist fight Bubba outside the garage] Listen Charlie, Don't go out there with Bubba. He'll break your arms and use them as splints for your legs. He'll weave your fingers into a basket and stick you in it, man.
- Charlie: No kidding. He'll have to kill me first.
- Little hold-up man: [Coming into garage. Ed and Chico don't see him at first but they hear him and are turning to see where the voice is coming from] Stick 'em up! Stick 'em up! I hate to do this! But I'm a little short!
- Officer Francis X. Harroway: [Holding the back of Charlie's collar and roughly and hurriedly pushing him forward, into the garage] I just caught the guy who held you up!
- Ed Brown: [Pointing at Charlie] He held me up?
- Chico Rodriguez: [Pointing to Charlie and then to Ed] You held him up?
- Charlie: [Referring to Ed and then pointing to the policeman] I held him up? He's holding me up!
- Officer Francis X. Harroway: Here's the money. Here's the gun. He used the gun to get the money. That's illegal.
- Chico Rodriguez: Well, how did you get the money back from him?
- Officer Francis X. Harroway: I took out my gun and he gave me the money.
- Chico Rodriguez: But you just said getting money with a gun is illegal. I rest my case!
- Chico Rodriguez: [Hurriedly coming into the garage, after the first holdup and passing by Ed] Buenos Noches, Ed.
- Ed Brown: Hey! Where do you think you're going? You're an hour late! Where've you been?
- Chico Rodriguez: Well, you see, I got held up. We were making out in the movie theater, we were making out in the back of the car, we were making out when we said good night.
- Ed Brown: What took you so long?
- Chico Rodriguez: It was three different girls.
- Hooker: [In the closing scene, Ed and Chico are discussing how tired they are. They have taken down the all-night-garage sign and agree they both need some sleep. As Ed starts upstairs and Chico heads toward the van, The Hooker pops her head up through the van roof] Hey, Sailor, Can I give you a lift?