Joey Bishop: Charlie

Quotes 

• Charlie : [Talking to Ed about his past job]  I was an insult comic. I did funny insults. Like my first job. There was a big guy sitting out there, I mean big, with shoulders out to here! He weighed 300 pounds. He was sitting with a girl. I said, 'Hey, Buddy, either your girlfriend is wearing a low-cut dress or I'm seeing things or both!'

  Ed Brown : Hey, I think that's pretty funny!

  Charlie : The customer didn't think so. But the nurses, when they rushed me to the hospital, they thought I was a riot. They loved it.

• Chico Rodriguez : [Charlie comes stumbling into the garage after his fight with Bubba. Ed and Chico sit him down in front of the gas pump]  Man, I never expected to see you alive again!

  Charlie : [Breathlessly]  I beat him! I beat him!

  Ed Brown : You beat Bubba? You must be a fantastic fighter!

  Charlie : I'm a lousy fighter! I'm a fantastic runner!

• Chico Rodriguez : [Charlie is getting ready to fist fight Bubba outside the garage]  Listen Charlie, Don't go out there with Bubba. He'll break your arms and use them as splints for your legs. He'll weave your fingers into a basket and stick you in it, man.

  Charlie : No kidding. He'll have to kill me first.

• Officer Francis X. Harroway : [Holding the back of Charlie's collar and roughly and hurriedly pushing him forward, into the garage]  I just caught the guy who held you up!

  Ed Brown : [Pointing at Charlie]  He held me up?

  Chico Rodriguez : [Pointing to Charlie and then to Ed]  You held him up?

  Charlie : [Referring to Ed and then pointing to the policeman]  I held him up? He's holding me up!