Jack Albertson: Ed Brown

Quotes 

• Charlie : [Talking to Ed about his past job]  I was an insult comic. I did funny insults. Like my first job. There was a big guy sitting out there, I mean big, with shoulders out to here! He weighed 300 pounds. He was sitting with a girl. I said, 'Hey, Buddy, either your girlfriend is wearing a low-cut dress or I'm seeing things or both!'

  Ed Brown : Hey, I think that's pretty funny!

  Charlie : The customer didn't think so. But the nurses, when they rushed me to the hospital, they thought I was a riot. They loved it.

• Chico Rodriguez : [Chico comes out of the van, sees Charlie holding a gun on Ed, and strikes a martial-arts pose and begins making vocalized noises]  Yaah! Waah! Ooh!

  Ed Brown : What's the matter with you? Take it easy with all that karate stuff! This man is harmless!

  Chico Rodriguez : So am I. I only know the sounds.

• Ed Brown : Oh! Pardon me, Miss, I beg your pardon. But can I do anything for you?

  Hooker : Funny, Sailor, I was just about to ask you the same thing.

  Ed Brown : How do you like that? First time my ship comes in and I've sunk my pier.

  Hooker : Poor baby.

  Ed Brown : I'm sorry.

  Hooker : Who's your friend?

  [as she looks at Chico] 

  Chico Rodriguez : Can I help you, Madame?

  Hooker : Don't call me, Madame. I work alone.

• Chico Rodriguez : [Charlie comes stumbling into the garage after his fight with Bubba. Ed and Chico sit him down in front of the gas pump]  Man, I never expected to see you alive again!

  Charlie : [Breathlessly]  I beat him! I beat him!

  Ed Brown : You beat Bubba? You must be a fantastic fighter!

  Charlie : I'm a lousy fighter! I'm a fantastic runner!

• Officer Francis X. Harroway : [Holding the back of Charlie's collar and roughly and hurriedly pushing him forward, into the garage]  I just caught the guy who held you up!

  Ed Brown : [Pointing at Charlie]  He held me up?

  Chico Rodriguez : [Pointing to Charlie and then to Ed]  You held him up?

  Charlie : [Referring to Ed and then pointing to the policeman]  I held him up? He's holding me up!

• Chico Rodriguez : [Hurriedly coming into the garage, after the first holdup and passing by Ed]  Buenos Noches, Ed.

  Ed Brown : Hey! Where do you think you're going? You're an hour late! Where've you been?

  Chico Rodriguez : Well, you see, I got held up. We were making out in the movie theater, we were making out in the back of the car, we were making out when we said good night.

  Ed Brown : What took you so long?

  Chico Rodriguez : It was three different girls.