- [after the taping of The Tonight Show, Cliff is on the seemingly empty stage]
- Cliff: [miming bowling] Heeere's Cliffy!
- [Johnny Carson applauds and approaches Cliff]
- Johnny Carson: How does it feel on stage?
- Cliff: Good.
- Johnny Carson: Now get the hell out of here before I call security.
- Sam Malone: You know, sometimes I don't think I'll ever find someone. I thought Diane was going to be the one, but turns out she wasn't. Lucky for me because if she had been, I just would have ended up killing her and dying in the electric chair.
- Woody Boyd: That is lucky.
- Cliff Clavin: [laughing] Yeah, there'll be a lawsuit, that's for sure. In a year, this is gonna be the Clavin Broadcasting Company.
- Security Guard: Yep, his name's in the computer. And here's a flash: he's a Postal worker.
- Cliff Clavin: [in the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson audience] Hey-ya, Cliff Clavin. I'm from Boston. I wrote tonight's monologue.
- Audience Member: Really? Then you know Johnny.
- Cliff Clavin: Well, does anybody *really* know Johnny?
- Esther Clavin: Norman, I want to thank you.
- Norm Peterson: For what?
- Esther Clavin: Well, I know Clifford doesn't have many friends. I remember that surprise birthday party I organized for him and you were the only one who showed up.
- Norm Peterson: Yeah. Where were you anyway?
- Esther Clavin: I just forgot.
- Johnny Carson: [after telling Cliff's joke and hearing the audience dislike it] Whoa, stay where you are. Fortunately folks, in a situations like this, the band has instructions to come over and form a human barrier in front of the star. How did that line get on the cue cards, anyway? I should have done that joke with one of those big blue dots covering my face. Who wrote that joke anyway?
- Cliff Clavin: [angrily getting to his feet] I wrote that joke, and it was great!
- Johnny Carson: Pardon me?
- Cliff Clavin: The problem wasn't the joke, the problem was you! You botched it! You botched my joke, Johnny Carson!
- Norm Peterson: Sit down.
- Cliff Clavin: [being let away by security] I'm not going to sit down! I wrote that joke! Get your hands off me! Is this the way you treat your talent, Carson?
- Johnny Carson: [to audience] Ladies and Gentlemen, the President of NBC.
- [on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson, Carson reads Cliff's joke twice; each time, the NBC Studio audience boos]
- Johnny Carson: Whose joke is this?
- Cliff: It's *my* joke! You busted me!
- [Cliff is led away by security guards]
- Johnny Carson: Ladies and gentlemen, the president of NBC.