- Alan Shore: Jerry... you know I have tremendous a affection for my own intelligence, and even I think you are smarter than me.
- Jerry Espenson: Oh, I am.
- [Regarding a nervous habit of a colleague]
- Alan Shore: A peccadillo, to be sure. We all have them.
- Denny Crane: I don't have any peccadilloes.
- Alan Shore: What's your name, Denny?
- Denny Crane: Denny Crane.
- Alan Shore: [glancing at a photo Denny Crane just received on his phone] She's very limber for a woman her age.
- Denny Crane: Alan... I'd like to be alone with my phone... just, eh, 15 minutes.
- Denny Crane: She's an amazing woman, Alan. It's like having a one night stand, but every night, with the same woman.
- Shirley Schmidt: Mr. Shore, we appreciate your input, but you are not a partner.
- Alan Shore: Yes, but that's only because I can't be trusted.