Blackadder the Third (TV Series)

Dish and Dishonesty (1987)

Tony Robinson: Baldrick, a dogsbody

Quotes 

• Blackadder : Right. Now all we have to do is fill in this MP application form. Name: Baldrick. First name...?

  Baldrick : Er, I'm not sure.

  Blackadder : Well, you must have some idea...

  Baldrick : Well, it might be Sod off.

  Blackadder : What?

  Baldrick : Well, when I used to play in the gutter, I used to say to the other snipes, "Hello, my name's Baldrick," and they'd say, "Yes, we know. Sod off, Baldrick."

  Blackadder : All right, right right right right, Mr. S. Baldrick. Now; distinguishing features... None.

  Baldrick : Well, I've got this big growth in the middle of my face.

  Blackadder : That's your nose, Baldrick. Now; any history of insanity in the family? Tell you what, I'll cross out the in. Any history of *sanity* in the family? None whatsoever. Now then; criminal record...

  Baldrick : Absolutely not.

  Blackadder : Oh, come on, Baldrick, you're going to be an MP, for God's sake! I'll just put fraud and sexual deviancy. Now; minimum bribe level...

  Baldrick : One turnip. Oh, hang on, I don't want to price myself out of the market.

  Blackadder : Baldrick, I've always been meaning to ask: Do you have any ambitions in life apart from the acquisition of turnips?

  Baldrick : Er, no.

  Blackadder : So what would you do if I gave you a thousand pounds?

  Baldrick : I'd get a little turnip of my own.

  Blackadder : So what would you do if I gave you a million pounds?

  Baldrick : Oh, that's different. I'd get a great big turnip in the country.

  Blackadder : [someone knocks at the door]  Oh God, I'll get that. Here

  [pushes paper to Baldrick] 

  Blackadder : , sign here.

  [motions where with his hand; Baldrick marks an 'X' on Edmund's palm; Edmund presses his palm against the application] 

• Blackadder : [Baldrick is applying for Parliament]  Minimum bribe level?

  Baldrick : One turnip. Oh, hang on, I don't want to price myself out of the market.

• Blackadder : [bashing Baldrick's head against the table]  Give me the bloody money Baldrick, or you're dead.

  Baldrick : Give me the bloody money Baldrick, or you're dead my Lord.

  Blackadder : [Whacks Baldrick's head against the table again]  Just do it Baldrick, or I shall further enoble you by knighting you very clumsily with this meat cleaver.

  Baldrick : I haven't got it.

  Blackadder : What?

  Baldrick : I spent it.

  Blackadder : You spent it? What could you possibly spend £400 000 on?

  [Blackadder notices the massive turnip on the table] 

  Blackadder : Oh, no... oh God, don't tell me.

  Baldrick : My dream turnip.

  Blackadder : Baldrick, how did you manage to find a turnip that cost £400 000?

  Baldrick : Well, I had to haggle.

  [Blackadder slams the turnip over Baldricks head] 

  Blackadder : This is the worst moment of my entire life. I've spent my last penny on a cat-skin windcheater, I've just broken a priceless turnip...

  [there is a knock at the door followed by shouting] 

  Blackadder : ...and now I'm about to be viciously slaughtered by a naked Tunisian sock merchant. Well, all I can say, Baldrick, is that's the last time I dabble in politics

• Blackadder : [enters in a lords gown]  My lord.

  Prince George : My Lords.

  Blackadder : Pardon, sir?

  Prince George : My Lords. There is more than one lord in the vicinity. Will you please welcome his Grace, the Lord Baldrick.

  [Baldrick enters in his lordly regalia] 

  Blackadder : You made BALDRICK a Lord?

  Prince George : Well, yes. One who has recently done sterling service, matching the political machinations of the evil Pitt. Good old Lord Baldrick!

  Baldrick : It's all right Blackadder, you don't have to curtsey or anything.

  Blackadder : Sir, might I let loose a short violent exclamation?

  Prince George : Certainly.

  Blackadder : [Blackadder moves discreetly sideways, then shouts]  DAMN!

  Prince George : I say, that's a bit of a strange get up, isn't it Blackadder?

  Blackadder : No sir, I'm just off to a fancy dress party. I'm going as Lady Hamilton's pussy.

  [he walks towards the door, stops and turns] 

  Blackadder : There is one little question, sir. About the £400 000 to influence the lords...

  Prince George : Ah, yes. I gave that to Lord Baldrick.

  Blackadder : [Looking pleased]  Ahh! Sir, might I be permitted to take Lord Baldrick downstairs for some instruction in his lordly duties?

  Prince George : I think that's a splendid idea.

  Blackadder : [to Baldrick]  This way, my Lord.

  [Leaves with cloak raised, Dracula-esque]