Blackadder the Third (TV Series)

Amy and Amiability (1987)

Tony Robinson: Baldrick, a dogsbody

Quotes 

• Blackadder : Well go out into the street and hire me a horse.

  Baldrick : Hire you a horse? For ninepence? On Jewish New Year in the rain? A bare fortnight after the dreaded horse plague of Old London Town? With the blacksmith's strike in its 15th week and the Dorset Horse Fetishist's Fair tomorrow?

• [Blackadder is about to leave for the West Indies] 

  Baldrick : I still can't believe you're leaving me behind.

  Blackadder : Oh don't you worry. When we're established on our plantation in Barbados I'll send for you. No more sad little London for you Balders. From now on you will stand out in life as an individual.

  Baldrick : Will I?

  Blackadder : Indeed. All the other slaves will be black.

• Blackadder : The important thing is that they must not be alone together before the wedding.

  Baldrick : That's not really fair to her, is it?

  Blackadder : It's not really fair on him, either. The girl is wetter than a haddock's bathing costume.

• Blackadder : Have you ever been to Wales, Baldrick?

  Baldrick : No, but I've often thought I'd like to.

  Blackadder : Well don't. It's a ghastly place. Huge gangs of tough, sinewy men roam the Valleys, terrorizing people with their close-harmony singing. You need half a pint of phlegm in your throat just to pronounce the place names. Never ask for directions in Wales, Baldrick. You'll be washing spit out of your hair for a fortnight.

• [trying to find a bride for the Prince] 

  Blackadder : Of the 262 princesses in Europe, 165 are over 80 - they're out - 47 are under 10 - they're out - and 39 are mad.

  Baldrick : They sound ideal.

  Blackadder : They would be if they hadn't all got married last week in Munich to the same horse.

• Baldrick : [referring to Caroline of Brunswick]  And what's wrong with her?

  Blackadder : [rises, suddenly shouting, pretending to be Caroline of Brunswick]  Get more coffee! It's horrid, change it! Take me roughly from behind! No, not like that, like this! Trousers off, tackle out! Walk the dog! Where's my present?

  Baldrick : [very shaken by this outburst]  All right! Which one do you want me to do first?

  Blackadder : No, that's what Caroline's like. She is famous for having the worst personality in Germany. Although, you can imagine, that's up against some pretty stiff competition.

• Blackadder : There are only two princesses in Europe available. The first is Grand Duchess Sophia of Turin. We'll never get her to marry him.

  Baldrick : Why not?

  Blackadder : Because she's met him.

• Baldrick : Morning, Mr B!

  Blackadder : Baldrick? Baldrick. Thank you for introducing to a wholly new experience.

  Baldrick : What experience is that?

  Blackadder : Being pleased to see you. Now, what are you doing here, you revolting animal?

  Baldrick : I've come for the Shadow's autograph. You know, I'm a great fan of the Shadow.

  Blackadder : Yes, yes, just untie me, Baldrick, quick.

  Baldrick : What? Has he gone? Oh, what a pity. I wanted him to autograph my new poster. Look, his reward's gone up to 10,000 pounds.

  Blackadder : Good Lord! 10,000 pounds?

  Baldrick : Yep!

  Blackadder : That gives me an idea. Baldrick, take this cartload of loot back to the palace, and meet me back here at midnight, with 10 soldiers, a wrestless lynch mob and a small, portable gallows!

• Blackadder : Baldrick, have you no idea what "irony" is?

  Baldrick : Yes, it's like "goldy" and "bronzy" only it's made out of iron.

• Sally Cheapside : Highwayman, I also have a jewel. I fear however that I have placed it here, beneath my petticoats, for protection

  Blackadder : Well in that case madam, I think I'll leave it. I'm not sure I fancy the idea of a jewel that's been in someone's pants. A single kiss of those soft lips is all I require.

  The Duke of Cheapside : Never sir! A man's soft lips are his own private kingdom. I shall defend them with my life.

  Blackadder : I'm not talking to you, Grandad.

  Sally Cheapside : [kisses him long and hard]  Oh, I'm overcome. Take me with you to live the life of the wild rogue, cuddling under haystacks and making love in the branches of tall trees!

  Blackadder : Madam, sadly I must decline. I fear my horse would collapse with you on top of him as well as me!

  Baldrick : [appears next to Blackadder, wearing his harness]  I could try!

  Blackadder : No Quicksilver, you couldn't.

  Baldrick : But that's not fair then. I've had you on my back for ten miles and I haven't even got a kiss out of it.

  Blackadder : Oh alright, very well then.

  [kisses Baldrick] 

  Blackadder : All fair now?

  Baldrick : Not really, no.

  Blackadder : Teh, no pleasing some horses. Hi-ho Quicksilver.

  Baldrick : Neiighh!

  Sally Cheapside : [accusingly]  Papa, you did nothing to defend my honour.

  The Duke of Cheapside : Oh shut your face, you pregnant junky fag-hag!