Blackadder Goes Forth (TV Series)

General Hospital (1989)

Stephen Fry: General Sir Anthony Cecil Hogmanay Melchett

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Blackadder is informed that a German spy is stealing battle plans] 

  General Melchett : You look surprised, Blackadder.

  Captain Blackadder : I certainly am, sir. I didn't realise we had any battle plans.

  General Melchett : Well, of course we have! How else do you think the battles are directed?

  Captain Blackadder : Our battles are directed, sir?

  General Melchett : Well, of course they are, Blackadder, directed according to the Grand Plan.

  Captain Blackadder : Would that be the plan to continue with total slaughter until everyone's dead except Field Marshal Haig, Lady Haig and their tortoise, Alan?

  General Melchett : Great Scott! Even you know it!

• General Melchett : Is this true, Blackadder? Did Captain Darling pooh-pooh you?

  Captain Blackadder : Well, perhaps a little.

  General Melchett : Well, then, damn it all! What more evidence do you need? The pooh-poohing alone is a court martial offense!

  Captain Blackadder : I can assure you, sir, that the pooh-poohing was purely circumstantial.

  General Melchett : Well, I hope so, Blackadder. You know, if there's one thing I've learnt from being in the Army, it's never ignore a pooh-pooh. I knew a Major, who got pooh-poohed, made the mistake of ignoring the pooh-pooh. He pooh-poohed it! Fatal error! 'Cos it turned out all along that the soldier who pooh-poohed him had been pooh-poohing a lot of other officers who pooh-poohed their pooh-poohs. In the end, we had to disband the regiment. Morale totally destroyed... by pooh-pooh!

• [Blackadder thinks Nurse Mary is a German spy] 

  Captain Blackadder : And then the final, irrefutable proof. Remember, you mentioned a clever boyfriend...

  Nurse Mary : Yes.

  Captain Blackadder : I then leapt on the opportunity to test you. I asked if he'd been to one of the great universities, Oxford, Cambridge, or Hull.

  Nurse Mary : Well?

  Captain Blackadder : You failed to spot that only two of those are great Universities.

  Nurse Mary : Swine!

  General Melchett : That's right! Oxford's a complete dump!

• Captain Blackadder : Can anyone tell me what's going on?

  Captain Darling : Security, Blackadder.

  Captain Blackadder : Security?

  General Melchett : Security isn't a dirty word, Blackadder. Crevice is a dirty word, but security isn't.

• Captain Darling : So you see, Blackadder, Field Marshall Haig is most anxious to eliminate all these German spies.

  General Melchett : Filthy hun weasels, fighting their dirty underhand war!

  Captain Darling : And fortunately, one of our spies...

  General Melchett : Splendid fellows, brave heroes risking life and limb for Blighty!

• General Melchett : [on catching the spy]  Yes, three weeks to smoke the bugger out. Use any method you see fit. Personally, I'd recommend you get a hold of a cocker spaniel, tie your suspect down on a chair with a potty on his head, then pop his todger between two floury buns and shout "Dinner time, Fido!"

• General Melchett : Well, bugger me with a fish fork!

• General Melchett : Something's the matter. Something sinister and something grotesque. And what's worse is that it's going on right here under my very nose.

  Captain Blackadder : [protesting]  Sir, your moustache is lovely...

• General Melchett : The Germans seem to know every move we make. I had a letter from Jerry yesterday. It said, "Isn't it about time you changed your shirts, Walrus Face?"