- Marshal Sam McCloud: Sgt. Pepper, I know everything.
- Sgt. 'Pepper' Anderson: Everything?
- Marshal Sam McCloud: Yes, Sgt. Pepper, I know everything.
- Sgt. 'Pepper' Anderson: Oh sir, sir, I'm not really immoral. It's just that I can't say no to a man in uniform. I mean, I'm not a nymphomaniac. At least, I don't think I am. It's just that smoking makes me feel sexy. I mean, every time I have a cigarette, I just want to grab the nearest man and tear all my clothes off.
- Marshal Sam McCloud: Now don't you worry about a thing. It's all right, dear Sgt. Pepper. You go to your compartment and sit down. I'll be along in a minute. In the meantime,
- [pulls a long cigar out of his jacket]
- Marshal Sam McCloud: like to smoke that?
- [Sgt. Pepper leaves]
- Marshal Sam McCloud: Well I never did, but I sure as hell am going to!
- Safari Banny: She said to me, "Last week, big silver bird land in jungle." Isn't that a lovely description of an aeroplane, big silver bird? I said, "What was it like?" She said, "A little bit like lobster. You can't eat the shell, but the meat's gorgeous."
- Safari Benny: He married one of these little pigmy girls, about three feet tall. I didn't like her very much. She was always sticking her nose in other people's business.
- Safari Benny: I said, "How did you find this little pigmy girl in this tall jungle grass?" And he said, "Pretty damn good."
- Hercule Poirot: Stealing, robbery, burglary, shiplofting and pockpicketing, er, shoplifting and pickpocketing. Not to mention man's laughter.
- Marshal Sam McCloud: Man's laughter?
- Hercule Poirot: I said not to mention man's laughter!
- Marshal Sam McCloud: Why, I remember one time I followed a platinum blonde in a long black gown for four blocks before I found out it was a high court judge. My case comes up next Friday.
- Frank Cannon: [trying to squeeze past Sgt. Pepper in the narrow corridor] I haven't been so embarrassed since I was with the president's daughter, examining her magnificent pair of bristols, er, pistols. A streaker ran across the white house lawn. Well, they had to convene a special assize court for him. And the things she said about him!
- Sgt. 'Pepper' Anderson: What a size?
- Frank Cannon: I don't think she said *that*.
- Frank Cannon: Looks like I'm either gonna starve to death or die of ecstacy.
- Sgt. 'Pepper' Anderson: I'm sorry about this. I hope you won't hold it against me.
- Frank Cannon: [under his breath] That's exactly what I am doing.
- Sgt. 'Pepper' Anderson: The pleasure was all mine.
- Frank Cannon: Don't you believe it.
- Marshal Sam McCloud: Cannon, I know everything.
- Frank Cannon: You know everything?
- Marshal Sam McCloud: Yes, Cannon, everything.
- Frank Cannon: Well, McCloud, I mean, see it my way. I mean, you were away and your wife was lonely. I was lonely and we were sexually attracted to each other, 'cause she's a very attractive woman. She's big, God, she's big.
- Marshal Sam McCloud: Cannon, I have to! But you?
- Marshal Sam McCloud: Baraby Jones, I know everything.
- Barnaby Jones: Everything? You know everything?
- Marshal Sam McCloud: Yes, old timer, I know everything.
- Barnaby Jones: My son! My son, my little baby boy.
- Marshal Sam McCloud: Oh, sheep dip!
- Marshal Sam McCloud: Why, I remember one time in New York, we had a feller rob a bank, didn't leave no fingerprints nor nuthin'. He got clean away with over a half a million dollars in used notes. On the way to the getaway car, he got mugged.
- Marshal Sam McCloud: Remember my old sheriff, he used to say shoot first and ask questions afterwards. Though he didn't get many answers that way.