Barney Miller (TV Series)
The Spy (1979)
Steve Landesberg: Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich
Quotes
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Bruno Bender : He was scaring customers away
Leslie Phillips : They were entranced
Bruno Bender : Well, no law says I got to let some freak do weird things in front of my store
Leslie Phillips : Mime is the oldest and purest of all art forms
Bruno Bender : Yeah, I got your art right here
Capt. Barney Miller : Okay, let's everybody relax. Just, take it easy, huh? Uh, Dietrich, Do you want to take Mr. Bender's statement ?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : Yeah, all right Mr. Bender ?
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Bruno Bender : All that dumb stuff they do? They don't even say nothing?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : Mime is an acquired taste ?
Bruno Bender : Hey, I like good comedy, you know ? Remember the "Three Stooges"?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : Yeah, Slapstick ?
Bruno Bender : That's great stuff.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : Counterphobic responses to violence in humor
Bruno Bender : Oh yeah
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : Pain is funny.
Bruno Bender : Really ?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : You want to feel a joke ?
Bruno Bender : No, No, No, No, Thanks.
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Bruno Bender : Hey, hey, wait a minute what about us.
Capt. Barney Miller : Gentlemen, I'm afraid there are still a couple of assault complaints outstanding, unless you two have reconciled
Bruno Bender : Well, look, if promises to stops weirding off in front of my store, it's going to be alright?
Leslie Phillips : Weirding off ? I'm an artist, and artists don't weird off.
Bruno Bender : Who needs it ?
Capt. Barney Miller : Now, Mr. Binder, whatever you think of Mr. Phillips, he does have the ability to draw a crowd and it appears to me, you can turn that to your advantage
Bruno Bender : Can I sue him ?
Leslie Phillips : I don't have no money . But, listen I really could help with your advertising at your store.
Bruno Bender : Oh yeah, sure !
Leslie Phillips : No, No, listen, really, really, I could mine different sporting goods when you have them on sale
Bruno Bender : Yeah
Leslie Phillips : Like... baseball... basketball... tennis... .
Bruno Bender : Let me see mace.
Capt. Barney Miller : Dietrich, I have a feeling Mr. Binder and Mr. Phillips will be leaving us, you want to get their valuables ?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : I saw it coming .
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Mitchell Warner : Ah, This phone over here. Come on
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Take it easy
Mitchell Warner : Turn around. That's right. Sit down. Now dial.
Bruno Bender : The Ritz Brothers, didn't cold cream on their kissers to funny.
Mitchell Warner : Everybody stay right where you are.
Bruno Bender : What the hell is going on here ?
Capt. Barney Miller : Gentlemen, Mr Warner's is in charge, just do everything he says.
Mitchell Warner : Put your gun in the trash.
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : Sure, its an old gun
Mitchell Warner : Now you three, into the cage
Bruno Bender : Hey, you got no right to do this, I'm a veteran
Mitchell Warner : Inside
Bruno Bender : Hey, who sold him the gun, huh ?
Capt. Barney Miller : Will you get in the cage Binder?
Bruno Bender : Yeah, Yeah, Yeah
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Hello... uh... spy department please ?... This is the New York Police Department... Sergeant Wojciehowicz
Capt. Barney Miller : Look, may I ?
Mitchell Warner : Please go ahead.
Capt. Barney Miller : Hello ? Uh... Hello ? Hello. This is Captain Miller of the New York Police Department... to whom am I speaking please... Well, I guess I don't have to know, but it's imperative that I speak to someone in the Clandestine Department. A very, very angry man with a gun, does that qualify as life or death... Thank you. I'll hold on... What a company, huh ?
Bruno Bender : If law-abiding citizen were allowed to arm, this wouldn't have happened?
Capt. Barney Miller : Hello ? This is the Clandestine Division... We got a problem
Mitchell Warner : Tell them the lid's off. Warner knows everything.
Capt. Barney Miller : The lid's off. Warner knows everything.
Mitchell Warner : They don't take their spooks away from me, I'm going to take myself down to the New York Times and spill my guts
Capt. Barney Miller : He wants you to halt the operation or he goes to the New York Times
Mitchell Warner : You don't jerk around with Mitchell Warner ! I wrote the book
Capt. Barney Miller : You don't jerk around with...
Mitchell Warner : Come here, give me that -- Hello ? What ?
Capt. Barney Miller : They hung up on me shortly after I said hello. You want honesty, you got honesty.
Mitchell Warner : You gave them a code word to initiate Plan 2?
Capt. Barney Miller : Come on, there is no Plan 2. There wasn't even a Plan 1? They hung up because they thought I was a crank and given the circumstances I was
Mitchell Warner : Is that so ?