- Capt. Barney Miller: [Wojo enters Barney's office, slamming the door] What's the problem?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Well, it's Harris.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Yeah.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I don't know what to do; I don't know what to say to the guy. He acts like we're some kind of poison sumac or something.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Woj, I think we're just going to have to learn to be a little more understanding. I appreciate the fact that Harris has, uh... special problems.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Like what?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Like he's black.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I knew that. Well, I thought those differences weren't important.
- Capt. Barney Miller: They're not... but they are.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Thanks for clearing that up.
- Capt. Barney Miller: [attempting to explain the importance of differences between Wojo and Harris] Woj, it's uh... it's like a 'Polish joke'.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: What?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Well, if somebody came up to you and said, um... "How many Poles does it take to make popcorn?" you wouldn't appreciate it, would you?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: No.
- Capt. Barney Miller: And I could understand that, but I could never feel what you're feeling, because I'm not Polish.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah, I guess that makes sense.
- Capt. Barney Miller: I could understand it, but that's as close as I can get.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah, yeah, all right. Thanks, Barn.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: [heads for the door, then turns back to Barney] How many does it take?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Woj, I don't know, I never even thought...
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: It's all right; I'm just curious.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Five.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Five?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Look Wojo, I said I didn't want to, you know - One to hold the pan, and four to shake the stove.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: That's stupid!
- Capt. Barney Miller: Well, of course it is!
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: All you got to do is move the pan around on the fire a little bit.
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: You know, it only takes two to make a dialogue
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Right.
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: And five to make popcorn.