- Capt. Barney Miller: Harris is captain of security.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Oh yeah? Well whoopity-doopity-doo.
- Det. Ron Harris: You know, I expected you to say something like. However, the number of syllables did surprise me
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Uh, how come your working two jobs, anyway Harris?
- Det. Ron Harris: Orchestra seats, nice clothes, fine wine. I mean, it's called living the full life.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Harris, I'm satisfied. I go bowling. I have a few beers. That's a full life.
- Det. Ron Harris: That's gusto.
- Rev. Albert Carrey: Our church has been falling apart. It's going under, and I have been growing so depressed lately... I... You know... a couple weeks ago, I--I was walking down Fifth Avenue and, uh, I stopped in front of Saint Patrick's and I looked up and I saw those magnificent spires and I thought... "They really got it made baby." You know what I mean ? I mean, they got it all. You know what I mean ? I thought "Well, why them? I mean, why not us? Why? Why is it always them with the bells, and their tapestries and their works of art ?" I mean, what are we -- garbage. I mean, we all believe in the same things. We read the same books. We all say the same stuff, for crying out loud. We got a right.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: [yelling] Where were you carrying the bag ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: [about the retarded kid] He's not deaf.
- Tom Fields: To the barbershop... next to the roller skating ring
- Det. Ron Harris: Oh, Barney That's, uh, Del Mitchell's place.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Oh yeah. Didn't we raid it last year for prostitution ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Right.They had the fifty dollar manicure
- Capt. Barney Miller: All right, let's bring him in and ask a few questions. See what we can find out ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Oh, uh, Barney, Why don't you let me go alone ? I think, it will be easier to get in.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Okay, uh, have Kogan put a squad car in the area, though
- Det. Ron Harris: Right
- Capt. Barney Miller: Ah, Tom, Tom, there is a man sitting over there. I want you to tell me, if this is the man who gave you the dollar.
- Tom Fields: Yes sir. I better go give it back
- Capt. Barney Miller: That's --That's... Not right now... Not right now
- Capt. Barney Miller: Mr. Mitchell
- Del Mitchell: Speaking
- Capt. Barney Miller: Mr. Mitchell, there is a young man sitting over there... says he you gave him a dollar to take a bag somewhere
- Del Mitchell: Never saw him before
- Capt. Barney Miller: Well, he's sitting over. Why don't you look that way ?
- Del Mitchell: No need to. I haven't been out of my barbershop all day.
- Capt. Barney Miller: I didn't say anything about which day it was
- Del Mitchell: Pick one
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Sorry about the profanity Reverend
- Rev. Albert Carrey: Ah, you see, just because I'm a minister, everybody thinks they have to to protect me. It's not necessary.
- Rev. Albert Carrey: All right, the hell with it
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: In here, Reverend
- Capt. Barney Miller: What's this ?
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Captain Miller, this is Albert Carey, he runs the thrift shop. The place was full of stolen goods
- Capt. Barney Miller: Hope you got a strong case ?
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Don't worry Captain. It's a good collar. No offense
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: It's going to be hard to separate Church and State with him doing time in Sing Sing ?
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: There's a patrol car over there now, Captain. Where the stuff matches the list from a dozen heists
- Rev. Albert Carrey: But this guy comes along and instead of donating stuff... He shows me how I can buy it from him and then sell it for a profit and keep the prices reasonable. Well, it... uh , worked like a charm. And the first thing you know, we got a whole lot of people coming in with a whole bunch of merchandise
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Barney, that was Harris boss.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Yeah
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: He got fired.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Fired ? What for ?
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Something about not working around his schedule
- Capt. Barney Miller: Wonderful.
- Sylvester White: Hey, what about the money I paid for that stuff ?
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Why don't you consider it a donation to charity ? A gift to the church.
- Sylvester White: I'm an athetist
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Sue him
- Sylvester White: Hey, I ain't that sure about it.
- Det. Ron Harris: He did what ? What did he tell you about the lady in the penthouse. Look, she asked me to check on a prowler, and then got mad because I wouldn't move in.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Steady Harris
- Det. Ron Harris: No... No... That's what she wanted me to do
- Capt. Barney Miller: All right, we will talk about it in my office
- Det. Ron Harris: I was doing a damn good job
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: They literally could not fit you around your schedule
- Det. Ron Harris: My schedule
- Capt. Barney Miller: Come on
- Det. Ron Harris: Hey, look, you know what he can do with my schedule
- Capt. Barney Miller: We'll explore all the possibilities
- Tom Fields: I want to give you a dollar back. I couldn't bring the bag over
- Del Mitchell: Hey, I don't have the slightest idea what your talking about ?
- Tom Fields: I was going to carry the bag but i dropped it
- Del Mitchell: Man, I don't even know who you are ?
- Tom Fields: I'm Tom Fields, I live at the third house after the mailbox
- Del Mitchell: Look, I am a trying to meditate and you are disrupting my concentration.
- Tom Fields: What ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: He says he can't think and talk at the same time.
- Del Mitchell: Hey, you talking to me ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: See .
- Capt. Barney Miller: Sorry to keep you waiting Mr. Mitchell
- Del Mitchell: Can I leave now ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: A few more questions ?
- Del Mitchell: In that case, I want my lawyer
- Capt. Barney Miller: Look, your not going to need your lawyer
- Del Mitchell: Hey, look, it's his word against mine and that's what it comes down to . You think a judge is going to believe a dummy ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Aren't you being a little hard on yourself ?
- Del Mitchell: Is that all ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: That's all
- Det. Ron Harris: Hey Mitchell, use another kid like this and I'm going to be all over you. I mean, I' m going to go out of my to see to it that you stay within the law
- Del Mitchell: Hey Captain, your man here is threaten me with harassment
- Capt. Barney Miller: Sergeant Harris, Harris did you say something ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Hmm
- Del Mitchell: Oh ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Hey Barn, what about Tom ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Just see he gets home okay
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Right. Come on Tom !
- Capt. Barney Miller: Nick, take him downstairs for prints and pictures
- Capt. Barney Miller: I'd rather not
- Capt. Barney Miller: Huh !
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: He's a man of the cloth. I feel funny about it.
- Capt. Barney Miller: He's a prisoner. He had to be processed
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: I haven't gone to church in years. There might be repercussions
- Capt. Barney Miller: Dietrich, would you mind ?
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Sure, I'll do it. I don't mind. It doesn't bother me. Do you believe in God ?
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Well, I always felt up there, out there
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: I don't think there is. I mean, we're probably just an accident. The result of some unplanned cosmic explosion eons ago.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Now, What if -- what if you're wrong. You find yourself in an afterlife having to explain yourself to somebody. What do you say ?
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Whoops !
- Det. Ron Harris: Hey,uh, Barney. What's with the Reverend ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Fencing stolen merchandise
- Det. Ron Harris: Oh yeah? What are you going to do -- throw the Good Book at him?
- [busts out in hysterical laughter]
- Capt. Barney Miller: Try to put yourself together.
- [Harris busts out laughing again]
- Tom Fields: I am going to be a policeman some day ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Oh yeah, wecan probably use the help
- Sylvester White: What is it with you people? Why don't you believe me?
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Well, it's because we're used to dealing with the criminal element, Mr. White. Everybody comes in here claims he's innocent. So, nine times out of ten, he's not. So it hardens you over the years, Mr. White. It makes initial trust a rare commodity in police work.
- Sylvester White: Oh.
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Also, I don't like your eyes.
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: First name?
- Sylvester White: Sylvester. I was born cesarean. My mother named me that for revenge.
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Women are sensitive about birth.
- Sylvester White: Boy, she never let up either. When I was ten years old, she made me take accordion lessons.
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: She was a distrubed woman, Mr. White. Uh, Middle name?
- Sylvester White: Marion
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: I saw it comin'.
- Sylvester White: [sees Wojo's nameplate] How do you pronounce that?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: How do you *think*?
- Sylvester White: It looks like Wojciehowicz. What were you, a breached birth?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Well Tom, you ready to go?
- Tom Fields: Where?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Home.
- Tom Fields: With you?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: No, your home.
- [Tom looks disappointed]
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: It's okay, you can come over to my home some other time.
- Tom Fields: [smiles] I want to meet all your friends.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I don't have that many.
- Tom Fields: [picks up Wojo's baseball] Do you have a little boy?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: [takes the ball back] Uh no, I don't have any kids.