Barney Miller (TV Series)
Moonlighting (1977)
Hal Linden: Capt. Barney Miller
Quotes
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Capt. Barney Miller : Harris is captain of security.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Oh yeah? Well whoopity-doopity-doo.
Det. Ron Harris : You know, I expected you to say something like. However, the number of syllables did surprise me
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Uh, how come your working two jobs, anyway Harris?
Det. Ron Harris : Orchestra seats, nice clothes, fine wine. I mean, it's called living the full life.
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Harris, I'm satisfied. I go bowling. I have a few beers. That's a full life.
Det. Ron Harris : That's gusto.
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Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : [yelling] Where were you carrying the bag ?
Capt. Barney Miller : [about the retarded kid] He's not deaf.
Tom Fields : To the barbershop... next to the roller skating ring
Det. Ron Harris : Oh, Barney That's, uh, Del Mitchell's place.
Capt. Barney Miller : Oh yeah. Didn't we raid it last year for prostitution ?
Det. Ron Harris : Right.They had the fifty dollar manicure
Capt. Barney Miller : All right, let's bring him in and ask a few questions. See what we can find out ?
Det. Ron Harris : Oh, uh, Barney, Why don't you let me go alone ? I think, it will be easier to get in.
Capt. Barney Miller : Okay, uh, have Kogan put a squad car in the area, though
Det. Ron Harris : Right
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Capt. Barney Miller : Ah, Tom, Tom, there is a man sitting over there. I want you to tell me, if this is the man who gave you the dollar.
Tom Fields : Yes sir. I better go give it back
Capt. Barney Miller : That's --That's... Not right now... Not right now
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Capt. Barney Miller : Mr. Mitchell
Del Mitchell : Speaking
Capt. Barney Miller : Mr. Mitchell, there is a young man sitting over there... says he you gave him a dollar to take a bag somewhere
Del Mitchell : Never saw him before
Capt. Barney Miller : Well, he's sitting over. Why don't you look that way ?
Del Mitchell : No need to. I haven't been out of my barbershop all day.
Capt. Barney Miller : I didn't say anything about which day it was
Del Mitchell : Pick one
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Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : In here, Reverend
Capt. Barney Miller : What's this ?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : Captain Miller, this is Albert Carey, he runs the thrift shop. The place was full of stolen goods
Capt. Barney Miller : Hope you got a strong case ?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : Don't worry Captain. It's a good collar. No offense
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Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana : Barney, that was Harris boss.
Capt. Barney Miller : Yeah
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana : He got fired.
Capt. Barney Miller : Fired ? What for ?
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana : Something about not working around his schedule
Capt. Barney Miller : Wonderful.
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Det. Ron Harris : He did what ? What did he tell you about the lady in the penthouse. Look, she asked me to check on a prowler, and then got mad because I wouldn't move in.
Capt. Barney Miller : Steady Harris
Det. Ron Harris : No... No... That's what she wanted me to do
Capt. Barney Miller : All right, we will talk about it in my office
Det. Ron Harris : I was doing a damn good job
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana : They literally could not fit you around your schedule
Det. Ron Harris : My schedule
Capt. Barney Miller : Come on
Det. Ron Harris : Hey, look, you know what he can do with my schedule
Capt. Barney Miller : We'll explore all the possibilities
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Capt. Barney Miller : Sorry to keep you waiting Mr. Mitchell
Del Mitchell : Can I leave now ?
Capt. Barney Miller : A few more questions ?
Del Mitchell : In that case, I want my lawyer
Capt. Barney Miller : Look, your not going to need your lawyer
Del Mitchell : Hey, look, it's his word against mine and that's what it comes down to . You think a judge is going to believe a dummy ?
Capt. Barney Miller : Aren't you being a little hard on yourself ?
Del Mitchell : Is that all ?
Capt. Barney Miller : That's all
Det. Ron Harris : Hey Mitchell, use another kid like this and I'm going to be all over you. I mean, I' m going to go out of my to see to it that you stay within the law
Del Mitchell : Hey Captain, your man here is threaten me with harassment
Capt. Barney Miller : Sergeant Harris, Harris did you say something ?
Det. Ron Harris : Hmm
Del Mitchell : Oh ?
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Hey Barn, what about Tom ?
Capt. Barney Miller : Just see he gets home okay
Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz : Right. Come on Tom !
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Capt. Barney Miller : Nick, take him downstairs for prints and pictures
Capt. Barney Miller : I'd rather not
Capt. Barney Miller : Huh !
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana : He's a man of the cloth. I feel funny about it.
Capt. Barney Miller : He's a prisoner. He had to be processed
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana : I haven't gone to church in years. There might be repercussions
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Capt. Barney Miller : Dietrich, would you mind ?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : Sure, I'll do it. I don't mind. It doesn't bother me. Do you believe in God ?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : Well, I always felt up there, out there
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : I don't think there is. I mean, we're probably just an accident. The result of some unplanned cosmic explosion eons ago.
Capt. Barney Miller : Now, What if -- what if you're wrong. You find yourself in an afterlife having to explain yourself to somebody. What do you say ?
Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich : Whoops !
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Det. Ron Harris : Hey,uh, Barney. What's with the Reverend ?
Capt. Barney Miller : Fencing stolen merchandise
Det. Ron Harris : Oh yeah? What are you going to do -- throw the Good Book at him?
[busts out in hysterical laughter]
Capt. Barney Miller : Try to put yourself together.
[Harris busts out laughing again]