- Capt. Barney Miller: [Dietrich hands Barney an envelope] What's this?
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Go ahead, open it.
- Capt. Barney Miller: [Barney opens the envelope] Oh, you're having a party.
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: I know.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Saturday, 8pm... black tie optional?
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Most of the people will be wearing jeans. I just don't want to inhibit anyone sartorially.
- Richard Perito: You know, it's trite but it's true. The body is the house where the soul resides.
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: I don't believe I have a soul. You know somebody lookin' for a place?
- Officer Carl Levitt: Hey, I could take some of these adult games I have and bring them along.
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: We're gonna be playing some. As each guest comes in, they draw from a hat the name of a 14th-century philosopher and assume his character. Then, by quoting various thoughts and phrases during the course of a normal conversation, each guest tries to guess the other's identity. You ever play that?
- Officer Carl Levitt: I play Yahtzee.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Hey, uh, can I ask you a question?
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Sure.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Thanks, you know a lot more facts than I do.
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: That's a good way of phrasing it.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: What is?
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: That I know a lot more facts. It doesn't imply that I'm any smarter than you, or that I have some sort of intrinsic intelligence that you don't have. It just means that because of my background in education, I just happen to have a few more bits of information available to remember, that's all.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Right.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: [looks at the bearded man in the station] Is that guy a Quaker?
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: What are you, crazy?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: No, I just don't know.
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: He's a Hasidic Jew.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Oh, right.
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: There was another diamond robbery.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah?
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Well, you do know that the Hasidim have traditionally been a part of the diamond business in New York since the turn of the century?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: No, I didn't know that, either.
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: What did the Rangers do last night?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: They won, 3 to 2.
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Thanks.
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Occupation?
- Richard Perito: Athlete, amateur. I want that specified: amateur athlete. Hm.
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Do you have any traditional occupation as well, Mr. Perito?
- Richard Perito: No, no. I used to, but it took too much time away from my training.
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Alright, what are you training for, Mr. Perito?
- Richard Perito: Isn't it obvious?
- Richard Perito: Decathlon?
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Mm-hmm, olympics.
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: 1980?
- Richard Perito: Mm-hmm, if I'm ready. Otherwise, 1984.
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: What's your age, Mr. Perito?
- Richard Perito: 43. I'll save you the trouble, all right? I'm gonna be 45 for the '80 games; I'll be 49 in 1984. Ah, 'foolish', you're thinking! 'Oh yes, he's lost his mind, he's gone bananas!' Please save me the trouble, because I've heard it all of that before, all right?
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: It never crossed my mind.
- Richard Perito: Oh sure, sure!
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: There have been too many noteworthy accomplishments all over the world from people much older than you are.
- Richard Perito: Yeah, yeah, that's true, but not too many people are aware of that, you know.
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: That's right, I'll give you an example: Grandma Moses didn't begin painting until she was in her late 70s.
- Richard Perito: Yeah, that's right.
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Éamon de Valera was President of Ireland at the age of...
- Richard Perito: 92, right?
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Exactly, right.
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: [imitating a Southern drawl] And then there's Senator Strom Thurmond.
- Richard Perito: What?
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: [normal voice] Fathered a child at the age of 74.
- Richard Perito: Oh.
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: I guess his only abstentions have been on the floor of the Senate. That's political satire. You hear me?
- Det. Ron Harris: Mr. Berger was walking down Canal, carrying approximately 40 uncut diamonds, when he was accosted by a man with a gun.
- Yacov Berger: Yeah. He took out this pistol, and he said "Hand over the ice, Padre".
- Capt. Barney Miller: Padre?
- Yacov Berger: Yes, I thought he was thinking of some other person, but no such luck.
- Capt. Barney Miller: You, uh... gave him the gems?
- Yacov Berger: That surprises you?
- Capt. Barney Miller: No, no, no; that's a very wise move.
- Yacov Berger: You know, your Shakespeare said, uh... "He who steals my purse steals trash." You heard that?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Yeah.
- Yacov Berger: Don't you believe it! 85 karats of very valuable merchandise he took.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Sorry to hear that.
- Yacov Berger: Well, at least I'm alive, thank the Lord.