- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: I'm telling you, I just can't believe that an old lady could inflict that kind of punishment on a man
- Det. Phil Fish: You've learned nothing from knowing me
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Woman use to be shy and modest. You know, Wentworth never even blushes
- Det. Ron Harris: Ah, neither do I, at least not so as you can tell
- Capt. Barney Miller: Any luck ?
- Fletcher: These pictures... some of them are awfully old. I mean, they're yellow and curling up at the edges
- Det. Phil Fish: It will happen to you to, Mr. Fletcher
- Capt. Barney Miller: Chano, maybe you better bring those ladies in just in case Mr Fletcher can make a positive ID
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: All right
- Capt. Barney Miller: Yeah... good... very good... okay... Have them send a squad car and padlock that massage parlor... Wentworth got soliicited, she's bringing in a suspect
- Det. Ron Harris: Oh wow ! We blew it and she pulls it off. How do you explain that ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Experience
- Capt. Barney Miller: Have you been solicited in your recent travels ?
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Not yet ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Hey man -- me neither, and I was giving it my best shot... charm, intelligence, humor
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: I think the girl knew I was a cop. She never got below my shoulders.
- Det. Ron Harris: You know, I think what my problem was, no one could believe I could go to a place like that... No I mean really man,I don't look desperate enough
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Oh man, get off it
- Det. Phil Fish: I couldn't get anyone to do anything to me for any amount of money
- Capt. Barney Miller: Legitimate massage parlor then, huh ?
- Det. Phil Fish: They wouldn't even do that
- Det. Janice Wentworth: They got places that cater to both sexes. They got male personnel that entertain housewives that got a few hours to kill.
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Barney, ah, Mr. Fletcher said he was mugged by a little old lady
- Capt. Barney Miller: You don't believe it
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: You kidding? The way he way he worked over? It had to be a guy dressed as an old lady
- Det. Ron Harris: Well, there's a lot of creeps who that work that way
- Capt. Barney Miller: Okay , go into the files see what you can find on somebody who uses that MO
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Right
- Capt. Barney Miller: But... uh, we don't pass up any opportunities, especially the eyewitness account of a victim. So, let's see what we have on older woman with a history of violent behavior
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Oh...
- Capt. Barney Miller: We may get an I.D. out of it
- Det. Janice Wentworth: And this time, I leave nothing to the imagination as to what I am in the market for...
- Ms. Mable Kleiner: Yeah, there's more where that came from ?
- Det. Ron Harris: You try that again, my darling , and I'm putting the cuffs on.
- Ms. Mable Kleiner: That's it , cut off what little circulation I got left.
- Det. Janice Wentworth: Captain, I just checked Lance for priors. He's got nothing here, he's got nothing back in Oklahoma. I just think he's a kid that got caught in a bad scene, you know
- Capt. Barney Miller: He's young and he's got no record. I guess, the judge will go easy on him if he promised to find a new line of work
- Lance Peterson: Yeah,but Captain, I'm not suited for anything else
- Capt. Barney Miller: Your telling me that's the only way you can find to make a living. Don't you have a skill
- Lance Peterson: Yeah, so I been told
- Fletcher: Shouldn't I be behind a one-way mirror, or in the dark with them under bright lights ? Isn't that safer ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Yeah, but this is cheaper.
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Mr Fletcher, you have to face them to sign a complaint so...
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Uh... never mind... you don't... you don't have to paint pictures. I think I can fill it in for myself.
- Det. Janice Wentworth: Not as good as I can tell it.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Forget it,
- Det. Janice Wentworth: I can tell you later when we're alone
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Mrs. Kleiner, if you'd be so kind...
- Ms. Mable Kleiner: Take your clumsy paws off me , you lousy bull
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Bull ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Yeah, I believe that waa a term used for police officers sometime around the Civil War
- Ms. Mable Kleiner: You want to hear another term from the Civil War ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Careful
- Det. Phil Fish: You know, Nick, Bernice used to massage me, scrub my back, smooth my brows, blow on my neck.
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: What for?
- Det. Phil Fish: My very words.
- Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Hey, Fish! How'd it go?
- Det. Ron Harris: Hey, c'mon Fish, did you uh... did you get a bite?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Fish? Any luck?
- Det. Phil Fish: I couldn't get anyone to do anything to me... for any amount of money.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Uh, legitimate... uh, massage parlor, hm?
- Det. Phil Fish: They wouldn't even do that.