- Capt. Barney Miller: Very lovely... very lovely. But you're still going to have to do some typing
- Det. Phil Fish: What ? Heh, heh... .
- Capt. Barney Miller: Thank you. What's going down?
- Det. Phil Fish: Heh, heh, heh, heh... My socks won't stay up. I'm going to put a rubber band around them.
- Capt. Barney Miller: That's, uh, that's not good for you. It can cut off your circulation.
- Det. Phil Fish: I have no circulation. Wherever my blood is, that's it.
- Det. Phil Fish: [to Bernice] I *was* listening. I just assumed you'd be finished by the time I closed the door.
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Is something the matter ?
- Det. Ron Harris: No, just reading an article about you
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Yeah ?
- Det. Ron Harris: It's called the "Tragedy of the Compulsive Gambler"
- Det. Ron Harris: I'm not compulsive. It's just a relaxing hobby.
- Det. Ron Harris: Hmm-Hmm. Hmm-Hmm
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Ah... Does it mention me by name ?
- Det. Ron Harris: There's an article here all about Nick
- Capt. Barney Miller: Hey, Barney, you don't think my gambling is compulsive, do you ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Compulsive ? I don't know that I would say that. But, you spend an inordinate amount of time on that stuff, you know. So much so one might think that more substantial matters might suffer for a lack of attention.
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: See?
- Det. Ron Harris: Hey, look, man . It's all here. I mean, it all goes back to a negative self-image and deep-seated guilt feelings. You know, you do it to punish yourself and to play out your masochistic tendencies
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: I'm not the only compulsive one around here, you know ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Oh, yeah ?
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: I've been trying to remember the last time I didn't see one of those roman candles sticking out of your mouth.
- Det. Ron Harris: Oh hey man. I just smoke because I enjoy it.
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Sure ?
- Det. Ron Harris: I just happen to be one of those people who looks good with a cigarette
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Harris, I'll bet you a month of night duty, that I can quit gambling easier than you can quit smoking
- Det. Ron Harris: Oh, man, you got to be kidding.
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Japanese have got a lot of willpower. We eat raw fish
- Det. Ron Harris: You like it.
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: No we don't
- Det. Ron Harris: Hey, look man. I mean, personal discipline is my middle name
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: All right. As of now, I quit gambling
- Det. Ron Harris: Your on. As of this moment, I quit smoking
- Capt. Barney Miller: What happened to the case ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: The judge called a recess... so I could have time to get my facts straight
- Capt. Barney Miller: Okay, just relax take it easy. Everything is going go all right.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I doubt it. I just can't talk in front of people.
- Det. Ron Harris: Here you go Wojo
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Thanks, Harris. Even when I was in High School, if I had to give a report, I'd get so nervous, I'd upchuck
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: That won't impress a jury... It won't
- Det. Ron Harris: Hey, Woj
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah
- Det. Ron Harris: Man, you know what would help you a lot ?
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: What ?
- Det. Ron Harris: A vest. Really, man, people believe a vest
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Harris... There is nothing wrong with what I'm wearing
- Det. Ron Harris: Well, I mean, now is not the time to go into that
- Det. Phil Fish: Barney, The guy in the building is an old man
- Leonard K. Hauser: Old men can be dangerous
- Det. Phil Fish: Thank you very much
- Det. Phil Fish: Probably scared, and has no where else to go. I'd like to talk to him.
- Leonard K. Hauser: It's a waste of time. I've threaten him till I'm blue in the face
- Capt. Barney Miller: Wojo has to go to court. Take some uniforms with you
- Det. Phil Fish: Right
- Leonard K. Hauser: Hey, why don't you lob one of those tear gas shells into the windows? I don't mind damage
- Det. Phil Fish: Tear gas is no good Mr. Hauser
- Det. Phil Fish: Why not ?
- Det. Phil Fish: It aggravates my sinuses
- Capt. Barney Miller: If you don't mind my asking Mr. Roth, considering your handicap, what made you think you can get away with it?
- Leon Roth: No one expects a blind man to steal. I was counting on the element of surprise.
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: I was surprised.
- Leon Roth: I thought it was safe. I didn't smell anybody around.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Uh... Siegel's wants to press charges
- Det. Ron Harris: Yeah. Barn. They said it was part of their new "get tough" policy.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Oh... Wonderful way to begin. Uh, I'm sorry Mr. Roth. We're going to have to book you
- Leon Roth: Look, everybody's been taking from me. So, why can't I take a little ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: You've been robbed Mr. Roth.
- Leon Roth: Everyday and twice on Sunday's. When your blind, you rob easy. On the street. On the subway. Now, they're even coming up to my room
- Capt. Barney Miller: Whose "they" ?
- Leon Roth: Kids, hoods, repairman, religious fanatics. "Hello, Mr Roth. How are you Mr. Roth? I'm taking your radio and shoes, Mr. Roth. Goodbye Mr. Roth"
- Capt. Barney Miller: Sorry to hear that Mr. Roth. But now, Detective Harris is going to take some information
- Det. Ron Harris: Okay, Mr. Roth. Take a seat over here, huh ?
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Can I take your coat, Mr. Roth ?
- Leon Roth: "I'm taking your coat, now Mr. Roth ! Thank you, Mr. Roth"
- Det. Ron Harris: I guess it's true what they say, you know. That if one loses one of the senses, that the remaining senses are sharper and more perceptive.
- Leon Roth: Sure does, like I can tell from the sound of your voice. Your over 6 feet tall and your a chain smoker.
- Det. Ron Harris: I don't smoke
- Leon Roth: Your a liar . Something else. Your very nervous
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: How can you tell ?
- Leon Roth: By the way, he keeps tapping his foot on the floor, pulling at his collar, rapping his fingers on the desk
- Det. Ron Harris: I'm not nervous. I'm rhythmic
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: How do I feel ?
- Leon Roth: You ? Well, your cool and collected, got a lot of personal discipline, your very, very intelligent. Either that or Japanese
- Leonard K. Hauser: Hey Captain, we got him. The old nut was running around with a gun threatening people. But the old cop talked him out
- Capt. Barney Miller: See that Mr. Hauser ? I tell you, I'll take talking to tear gas any day.
- Phillip Lukeather: Listen Sergeant, believe me, it isn't the end of you life.
- Det. Phil Fish: Yeah, yeah
- Phillip Lukeather: Retirement, isn't so bad. Once you get use to it, you'll find a way to be useful. Believe me.
- Det. Phil Fish: I hope your right
- Det. Phil Fish: Mr. Lukeather, Captain Miller
- Capt. Barney Miller: Mr. Lukeather, your very lucky that it was Sergeant Fish who came to get you and not a Special Weapons Team
- Leonard K. Hauser: I want this man charged with obstruction, assault and anything else you got on the books that I can use
- Det. Phil Fish: Shut up ! Sit over there ! I'll fill out the complaint form.
- Frank Pissano: Don't talk to a witness like that. A good defense attorney would have a field day with that sort of thing
- Det. Phil Fish: They got to live, too
- Det. Phil Fish: Barney ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Huh ?
- Det. Phil Fish: What about Mr. Lukeather ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Give him a receipt for his weapon and turn him loose.
- Det. Phil Fish: Yeah, but I promised him we'd find him a place to live
- Capt. Barney Miller: "We" is that the editorial we ?
- Det. Phil Fish: Yeah, you and me. I told him, he shouldn't worry about it
- Capt. Barney Miller: Uh, we'll do what we can. You'd better talk to Bernice about it.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: I'll be back in a couple of hours, unless I am cited for contempt or something
- Frank Pissano: Let's go Wojciehowicz
- Capt. Barney Miller: Listen, take it easy, relax. Everything will be all right.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: All right
- Det. Ron Harris: And fix your tie
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Right
- Frank Pissano: Hey, take the gum out of your mouth before you get on the stand
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Nah, I got to have it. It keeps my saliva going. keeps my saliva going
- Frank Pissano: I'm gonna lose this case. I know I'm gonna lose.
- Det. Ron Harris: Okay, Mr. Roth, here's your Desk Appearance TIcket. Your free to go
- Leon Roth: Who's speaking ? I've heard so many voices in the past ten minutes, I'm all confused
- Det. Ron Harris: I'm Sergeant Harris
- Leon Roth: Right, the nervous one.
- Det. Ron Harris: You can go now
- Leon Roth: Someone's got to get me down to the street. I'll be okay, once I'm on First Avenue.
- Det. Ron Harris: I'll take him, Barn
- Capt. Barney Miller: Uh... Hold it. Mr. Lukeather, I wonder if you could do me a favor. Would it be possible to... uh... to help Mr. Roth here downstairs?
- Phillip Lukeather: Sure
- Capt. Barney Miller: This is Mr. Lukeather. He just lost his home.
- Leon Roth: The guy with the gun. I heard
- Phillip Lukeather: I wouldn't shoot nobody.
- Leon Roth: It's okay with me
- Capt. Barney Miller: Mr. Roth lives alone
- Leon Roth: Yeah ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: He's been robbed many times. You can understand it ?
- Leon Roth: Sure.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Well, listen, you can take him downstairs then, right ?
- Phillip Lukeather: Yeah
- Leon Roth: I'm usually very independent, but... this building scares me
- Phillip Lukeather: Everybody needs help sometimes
- Det. Phil Fish: Mr Lukeather, here's the receipt for the -- your gun
- Leon Roth: Mr. Lukeather, which, uh... way do you go ?
- Phillip Lukeather: Don't make no difference, I got no place
- Leon Roth: Listen... uh... you're not one of those people who likes to rearrange the furniture, all the time, are you ?
- Phillip Lukeather: Who me ? No. I got a great respect for tradition
- Leon Roth: Good. That's good. Can you cook ?
- Phillip Lukeather: Yeah. You like chili ?
- Leon Roth: Chili. Yes, sir
- Phillip Lukeather: With red beans
- Leon Roth: I can't tell a red bean from a white bean. I'm blind.
- Phillip Lukeather: Don't worry, I'll handle it.
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Nice couple
- Det. Phil Fish: Yeah. You got a real knack Barney
- Capt. Barney Miller: Well. It was logical. What's more, I bet they make it
- Det. Ron Harris: Ah... I bet they won't
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Your on
- Det. Ron Harris: You lose
- Capt. Barney Miller: Hey old guy, where can I find a cop ?
- Det. Phil Fish: Over there.
- Leonard K. Hauser: Thanks pops
- Leonard K. Hauser: Are you somebody ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: I'm Captain Miller
- Leonard K. Hauser: Wonderful, I'm Leonard K. Hauser. I own those apartment buildings over on 28th street. I'm tearing one of them down
- Det. Phil Fish: Good for you .
- Leonard K. Hauser: What was that? Social Commentary ? A little zinger ? A little shot ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: No. I happen to know those buildings. Should have been torn down along time ago.
- Leonard K. Hauser: I've been called dirty names by the best of them, Mueller
- Capt. Barney Miller: Miller
- Leonard K. Hauser: I got a tenant -- won't vacant. I want him out of there and I don't care how you do it.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Has he been served with a formal notice of eviction ?
- Leonard K. Hauser: Over two months ago
- Leonard K. Hauser: All right. Fill out a formal complaint and we'll see what we can do
- Leonard K. Hauser: Hey, snap it up will you? I got a demolition crew out there, I'm paying $400 an hour to. And there just around on their lunch boxes
- Det. Phil Fish: Sergeant Fish, will you help Mr. Hauser
- Det. Phil Fish: Yeah
- Leonard K. Hauser: Hey will you speed it up a bit. Every minute is costing me a fortune.
- Frank Pissano: Is that the man who barricaded himself in the building ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: That's right
- Frank Pissano: He's just an old man
- Leonard K. Hauser: So ? He had a gun
- Frank Pissano: Probably a veteran.
- Phillip Lukeather: Are you a veteran ?
- Phillip Lukeather: First and Second World War
- Frank Pissano: For God sakes Miller: Blind people ? Dispossessed veterans ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: I'm sorry. We attract an appealing class of criminal around here.
- Frank Pissano: What are you trying to do ? Put the District Attorney Office out of business ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Look at the bright side Pissano. He had a weapon, that's a felony
- Frank Pissano: Thanks a lot ! Every jury has at least three members of the National Rifle Association on it ! You probably have some medals, citations ?
- Phillip Lukeather: Purple Heart and a couple of Bronze Stars
- Frank Pissano: Wonderful
- Leonard K. Hauser: Do you have any idea how much money, you have cost me already: 25... 2600 dollars ?
- Phillip Lukeather: Good.
- Leonard K. Hauser: Listen, I ought to take you to Civil Court and sue you for everything you got !
- Phillip Lukeather: Help yourself . That's everything I got -- two changes of clothes, my bird books ,and a hot pad
- Leonard K. Hauser: If you flushed that nut out when I asked you to, I wouldn't have had to pay the demo crew seven hours overtime !
- Det. Phil Fish: Was that middle initial "K" ?
- Leonard K. Hauser: I may take the city to court !
- Frank Pissano: I beg your pardon ?
- Leonard K. Hauser: I said I may sue the city !
- Frank Pissano: You ? I'd love to get you up on the stand baby ! A slumlord !
- Leonard K. Hauser: Hey ! no names. I could you sue you, too.
- Phillip Lukeather: The city ought to sue him. Threatening people for rents, no decent plumbing, dangerous stairs
- Frank Pissano: Immorality ! Human Degradation ! Good. Very Good
- Leonard K. Hauser: He doesn't know what he is talking about.
- Leonard K. Hauser: Ask him about the rats ?
- Frank Pissano: The rats ! Beautiful !
- Leonard K. Hauser: No rats in my building
- Phillip Lukeather: I've had three running around my apartment so long, I've even given them names
- Leonard K. Hauser: I told you -- no pets
- Det. Phil Fish: Mr. Hauser, here -- sign
- Leonard K. Hauser: Take it easy . Don't rush me. I don't sign anything without reading it first.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Is there something wrong, Mr. Hauser ?
- Leonard K. Hauser: No, no there is nothing wrong here. I just, uh... want to take it home and read it over with my attorney and if it's all right, I'll sign it. I'll mail it in
- Frank Pissano: See you in court Mr. Hauser
- Leonard K. Hauser: Not necessarily
- Frank Pissano: What's the matter ? You chicken ?
- Leonard K. Hauser: No. No. I just happen to be a compassionate man. I know how to forgive and forget. Right Captain ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Right, Mr. Hauser.
- Leonard K. Hauser: Learn how to be a human being, for God sakes