Barney Miller (TV Series)
Community Relations (1977)
Abe Vigoda: Det. Phil Fish
Quotes
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Capt. Barney Miller : Very lovely... very lovely. But you're still going to have to do some typing
Det. Phil Fish : What ? Heh, heh... .
Capt. Barney Miller : Thank you. What's going down?
Det. Phil Fish : Heh, heh, heh, heh... My socks won't stay up. I'm going to put a rubber band around them.
Capt. Barney Miller : That's, uh, that's not good for you. It can cut off your circulation.
Det. Phil Fish : I have no circulation. Wherever my blood is, that's it.
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Det. Phil Fish : [to Bernice] I *was* listening. I just assumed you'd be finished by the time I closed the door.
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Det. Ron Harris : Ah... Bernice, wants you to call her
Det. Phil Fish : I'll consider it.
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Det. Phil Fish : Barney, The guy in the building is an old man
Leonard K. Hauser : Old men can be dangerous
Det. Phil Fish : Thank you very much
Det. Phil Fish : Probably scared, and has no where else to go. I'd like to talk to him.
Leonard K. Hauser : It's a waste of time. I've threaten him till I'm blue in the face
Capt. Barney Miller : Wojo has to go to court. Take some uniforms with you
Det. Phil Fish : Right
Leonard K. Hauser : Hey, why don't you lob one of those tear gas shells into the windows? I don't mind damage
Det. Phil Fish : Tear gas is no good Mr. Hauser
Det. Phil Fish : Why not ?
Det. Phil Fish : It aggravates my sinuses
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Leonard K. Hauser : Hey Captain, we got him. The old nut was running around with a gun threatening people. But the old cop talked him out
Capt. Barney Miller : See that Mr. Hauser ? I tell you, I'll take talking to tear gas any day.
Phillip Lukeather : Listen Sergeant, believe me, it isn't the end of you life.
Det. Phil Fish : Yeah, yeah
Phillip Lukeather : Retirement, isn't so bad. Once you get use to it, you'll find a way to be useful. Believe me.
Det. Phil Fish : I hope your right
Det. Phil Fish : Mr. Lukeather, Captain Miller
Capt. Barney Miller : Mr. Lukeather, your very lucky that it was Sergeant Fish who came to get you and not a Special Weapons Team
Leonard K. Hauser : I want this man charged with obstruction, assault and anything else you got on the books that I can use
Det. Phil Fish : Shut up ! Sit over there ! I'll fill out the complaint form.
Frank Pissano : Don't talk to a witness like that. A good defense attorney would have a field day with that sort of thing
Det. Phil Fish : They got to live, too
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Det. Phil Fish : Barney ?
Capt. Barney Miller : Huh ?
Det. Phil Fish : What about Mr. Lukeather ?
Capt. Barney Miller : Give him a receipt for his weapon and turn him loose.
Det. Phil Fish : Yeah, but I promised him we'd find him a place to live
Capt. Barney Miller : "We" is that the editorial we ?
Det. Phil Fish : Yeah, you and me. I told him, he shouldn't worry about it
Capt. Barney Miller : Uh, we'll do what we can. You'd better talk to Bernice about it.
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Capt. Barney Miller : Uh... Hold it. Mr. Lukeather, I wonder if you could do me a favor. Would it be possible to... uh... to help Mr. Roth here downstairs?
Phillip Lukeather : Sure
Capt. Barney Miller : This is Mr. Lukeather. He just lost his home.
Leon Roth : The guy with the gun. I heard
Phillip Lukeather : I wouldn't shoot nobody.
Leon Roth : It's okay with me
Capt. Barney Miller : Mr. Roth lives alone
Leon Roth : Yeah ?
Capt. Barney Miller : He's been robbed many times. You can understand it ?
Leon Roth : Sure.
Capt. Barney Miller : Well, listen, you can take him downstairs then, right ?
Phillip Lukeather : Yeah
Leon Roth : I'm usually very independent, but... this building scares me
Phillip Lukeather : Everybody needs help sometimes
Det. Phil Fish : Mr Lukeather, here's the receipt for the -- your gun
Leon Roth : Mr. Lukeather, which, uh... way do you go ?
Phillip Lukeather : Don't make no difference, I got no place
Leon Roth : Listen... uh... you're not one of those people who likes to rearrange the furniture, all the time, are you ?
Phillip Lukeather : Who me ? No. I got a great respect for tradition
Leon Roth : Good. That's good. Can you cook ?
Phillip Lukeather : Yeah. You like chili ?
Leon Roth : Chili. Yes, sir
Phillip Lukeather : With red beans
Leon Roth : I can't tell a red bean from a white bean. I'm blind.
Phillip Lukeather : Don't worry, I'll handle it.
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana : Nice couple
Det. Phil Fish : Yeah. You got a real knack Barney
Capt. Barney Miller : Well. It was logical. What's more, I bet they make it
Det. Ron Harris : Ah... I bet they won't
Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana : Your on
Det. Ron Harris : You lose
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Capt. Barney Miller : Hey old guy, where can I find a cop ?
Det. Phil Fish : Over there.
Leonard K. Hauser : Thanks pops
Leonard K. Hauser : Are you somebody ?
Capt. Barney Miller : I'm Captain Miller
Leonard K. Hauser : Wonderful, I'm Leonard K. Hauser. I own those apartment buildings over on 28th street. I'm tearing one of them down
Det. Phil Fish : Good for you .
Leonard K. Hauser : What was that? Social Commentary ? A little zinger ? A little shot ?
Capt. Barney Miller : No. I happen to know those buildings. Should have been torn down along time ago.
Leonard K. Hauser : I've been called dirty names by the best of them, Mueller
Capt. Barney Miller : Miller
Leonard K. Hauser : I got a tenant -- won't vacant. I want him out of there and I don't care how you do it.
Capt. Barney Miller : Has he been served with a formal notice of eviction ?
Leonard K. Hauser : Over two months ago
Leonard K. Hauser : All right. Fill out a formal complaint and we'll see what we can do
Leonard K. Hauser : Hey, snap it up will you? I got a demolition crew out there, I'm paying $400 an hour to. And there just around on their lunch boxes
Det. Phil Fish : Sergeant Fish, will you help Mr. Hauser
Det. Phil Fish : Yeah
Leonard K. Hauser : Hey will you speed it up a bit. Every minute is costing me a fortune.
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Leonard K. Hauser : Do you have any idea how much money, you have cost me already: 25... 2600 dollars ?
Phillip Lukeather : Good.
Leonard K. Hauser : Listen, I ought to take you to Civil Court and sue you for everything you got !
Phillip Lukeather : Help yourself . That's everything I got -- two changes of clothes, my bird books ,and a hot pad
Leonard K. Hauser : If you flushed that nut out when I asked you to, I wouldn't have had to pay the demo crew seven hours overtime !
Det. Phil Fish : Was that middle initial "K" ?
Leonard K. Hauser : I may take the city to court !
Frank Pissano : I beg your pardon ?
Leonard K. Hauser : I said I may sue the city !
Frank Pissano : You ? I'd love to get you up on the stand baby ! A slumlord !
Leonard K. Hauser : Hey ! no names. I could you sue you, too.
Phillip Lukeather : The city ought to sue him. Threatening people for rents, no decent plumbing, dangerous stairs
Frank Pissano : Immorality ! Human Degradation ! Good. Very Good
Leonard K. Hauser : He doesn't know what he is talking about.
Leonard K. Hauser : Ask him about the rats ?
Frank Pissano : The rats ! Beautiful !
Leonard K. Hauser : No rats in my building
Phillip Lukeather : I've had three running around my apartment so long, I've even given them names
Leonard K. Hauser : I told you -- no pets
Det. Phil Fish : Mr. Hauser, here -- sign
Leonard K. Hauser : Take it easy . Don't rush me. I don't sign anything without reading it first.
Capt. Barney Miller : Is there something wrong, Mr. Hauser ?
Leonard K. Hauser : No, no there is nothing wrong here. I just, uh... want to take it home and read it over with my attorney and if it's all right, I'll sign it. I'll mail it in
Frank Pissano : See you in court Mr. Hauser
Leonard K. Hauser : Not necessarily
Frank Pissano : What's the matter ? You chicken ?
Leonard K. Hauser : No. No. I just happen to be a compassionate man. I know how to forgive and forget. Right Captain ?
Capt. Barney Miller : Right, Mr. Hauser.
Leonard K. Hauser : Learn how to be a human being, for God sakes