- Barry Badrinath: I wish it were winter so we could freeze it into ice blocks and skate on it and melt it in the spring time and drink it!
- Barry Badrinath: I was in Thailand playing ping-pong in Ding Dang. I was in a real high stakes game in some opium den. Turns out the guys I was playing aren't the kind of guys who like to lose. After I beat 'em, they beat me. Worked me over pretty good. And this is hard to say... they held me down and shoved a ping-pong paddle up my ass. It's never been the same. Damaged goods.
- Steve "Fink" Finklestein: Gosh, Barry, I'm so sorry. I don't know what I would do if someone shoved a paddle handle up my ass.
- Barry Badrinath: It wasn't the handle. I've been shitting pancakes ever since.
- Great Gam Gam: Mr. Badrinath... we are not so different, you and I. I've had all kinds of things shoved up my ass. I got over it. You will, too.
- [puts a comforting hand on Barry's shoulder]
- Great Gam Gam: You will, too.
- Barry Badrinath: Hey Todd. About the old girlfriend. Can we bury the hatchet, buddy?
- Todd Wolfhouse: I don't know.
- Barry Badrinath: I mean it was a one night stand, right? I mean she wasn't even that good looking. A real dead fish, right? She just laid there and took it like a plastic fuck doll.
- Todd Wolfhouse: I happened to have MARRIED that plastic fuck doll!
- Barry Badrinath: Back the fuck up, Antonio! My dick!... My apologies, now 5 dollars to touch it while I touch my toes, 6 dollars to touch it while I touch your... Hey Jan and Todd... and Fink? Hey looking good, Finky!
- Steve "Fink" Finklestein: You too, Barry.
- Barry Badrinath: It's $10 for a BJ, $12 for an HJ, $15 for a ZJ...
- Landfill: [Interrupting] What's a ZJ?
- Barry Badrinath: If you have to ask, you can't afford it.
- Steve "Fink" Finklestein: I've got $4.
- [Landfill puts Fink's hand down and mouths, "No, thank you."]
- Jan Wolfhouse: So yeah, I heard you got fired from the brewery?
- Landfill: [Landfill gets mad, throws his trophy] God damn brewery! You know that brewery makes 10,000 bottles of beer a day. I drink 45 of them, and I'm the asshole!
- Steve "Fink" Finklestein: You know, I got an idea. I think it might work. I did this study in college: Finklestein's Theory on the Effects of Alcohol on the Medial Temporal Lobe.
- Gil: English!
- Steve "Fink" Finklestein: Drunken recall. I made people drink massive quantities of alcohol, and then I taught them things while they were blacked out. Now, in the morning, they had no recollection of it whatsoever. But when I got them drunk again, they remembered everything.
- Barry Badrinath: [pretends to cough] Bullshit!
- Steve "Fink" Finklestein: Oh, now you're coming after me? This is great. I got a cowboy on one side, an Indian on the other. It's like the Wild West, all right? I got it published.
- Barry Badrinath: Where?
- Steve "Fink" Finklestein: Maxim magazine, under the title "E Equals MC Hammered".
- Barry Badrinath: [breaking the fourth wall after he had a drunken night of sex with Cherry]
- Barry Badrinath: [scoffs] Come on, I knew it the whole time!
- Barry Badrinath: [after drinking Ram's piss] Oh man, that's the most disgusting thing I've ever drank.
- Landfill: I doubt that very much, playboy
- Steve "Fink" Finklestein: I'm gonna puke! Hey guys... I don't think sitting on a rooftop drinking ram's piss is the way to go. We should get out there, and mix it up with some randoms.
- Barry Badrinath: Yeah.
- Landfill: Let's get bombed!
- [everyone cheers]
- Steve "Fink" Finklestein: Somehow I cloned a batch of monkey frogs.
- Todd Wolfhouse: They hand out Nobel prizes for stuff like that?
- Jan Wolfhouse: Let me see that, let me see you little...
- [looking in to the bag, monkey frog screams]
- Jan Wolfhouse: Oh my god!
- Todd Wolfhouse: Oh my god, what have you done?
- Great Gam Gam: You two are the rightful heirs to the Von Wolfhausen Brewery. You should have the balls to take back what is yours!
- Steve "Fink" Finklestein: Wow! You even talk like a whore!
- Great Gam Gam: We are all whores in some ways.
- Steve "Fink" Finklestein: [Speaking at Landfill's funeral] Landfill could eat a ton, but he could also love a ton. He had this habit of swallowing his food whole. I called him "The Tiger Shark." I used to joke that if you cut open his belly, you would find a license plate and a tire and half of an 8-year-old boy. One time, he farted an entire plum. I was plum surprised. I always tried to tell him to chew his food better but... he never listened to me. But that was Landfill. He was a fat asshole. But, um, he was my fat asshole.
- Landfill: Who's Barry Badrinath? Who's Barry Badrinath? Who's Barry Badrinath? Who's Barry Badrinath? Who's Barry Badrinath? Who's Barry Badrinath? Who's Barry Badrinath?
- Otto: [about Johan] He then fled to America with his mother, a common Bavarian... huh? What is the Englishword I'm looking for? WHORE!
- Todd Wolfhouse: Gam Gam a whore? I think something must have been lost in the translation.
- Otto: HOOKER! PROSTITUTE! SLUT FOR MONEY!
- Barry Badrinath: [about Great Gam Gam] All I'm saying is... that whore thing could be a real possibility. Some of my best friends are whores.
- Jan Wolfhouse: We know, Barry.
- [after sinking dozens of quarters around the bar]
- Barry Badrinath: [slightly slurred] I'm better when I'm drunk!
- Jan Wolfhouse: And here's something else you forgot to factor in - we're not that drunk.
- Pim Scutney: Did you hear that everybody? They said they're not that drunk! Cheeky bastards!
- Crowd: [shouting along] They're not that drunk! They're not that drunk! They're not that drunk!
- Barry Badrinath: [after breaking beer mug with a ping pong spike] What do you think about that, fuckhead?
- Hammacher: [Takes a bite of glass from the broken mug] What do you think about that, headfuck?
- Great Gam Gam: [seeing Jan's black eye] What happened to you?
- Jan Wolfhouse: Oh, I, uh, accidentally walked into a wall... the Berlin Wall...
- [as Barry, Fink, Jan, Landfill, and Todd enter a house where dozens of teenagers are partying, the youngsters fall silent as they observe the five older men joining them]
- Viking Master: Hey! Who ordered the Queer Eye makeover?
- [the kids burst out laughing, but the older men simply smirk]
- Todd Wolfhouse: This is that moment that only exists in sports - where the coach gives a speech on the jumbotrom to get the hometown fans fired up! We're the bad guys and they're the good guys, and I'll be damned if we let the good guys win!
- Barry Badrinath: Uh, we're the good guys and they're the bad guys...
- Barry Badrinath: [upon waking up after the first night of training, with blood all over his face, next to a deer with its throat ripped out] Oh no, not again!
- Todd Wolfhouse: We've got to go back and get grandpa's ashes.
- Jan Wolfhouse: You go, I'm never leaving this place.
- Steve "Fink" Finklestein: I'll show you how to chug a beer, motherfucker, you fat fuckin' cow. L'Chaim!
- [proceeds to drink a half-empty pitcher]
- Landfill: Uh oh! I think somebody's trying to chug in my face!
- Steve "Fink" Finklestein: Come on, guys. I'm a respected member of the scientific community. I've been published in four journals.
- Landfill: Which one? Toad Load Weekly?
- Jan Wolfhouse: [Barry picked up a woman] Are you sure you want to do this?
- Barry Badrinath: Are you kidding? She's hot as hell! I'm just lookin' for a little slap n' pickle.
- Jan Wolfhouse: You're drunk.
- Barry Badrinath: Hey... I'm drunk, you're drunk... everybody's drunk!
- Otto: Yeah, you Americans, why don't you go back to strip malls und drink your Zimas and Smirnoff Ices!
- Todd Wolfhouse: [after trying the beer] What's wrong?
- Jan Wolfhouse: This means Great Gam Gam really was a whore.
- Todd Wolfhouse: [thinks about it for a second, then runs off with his ears covererd] LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA...
- Steve "Fink" Finklestein: Oh that's rich! I've got a cowboy on one side and an Indian on the other! It's like the wild west!