The History Boys (2006)

Clive Merrison: The Headmaster

Quotes 

• Headmaster : There's a vacancy in history.

  Tom Irwin : [Thoughtfully]  That's very true.

  Headmaster : In the school.

  Tom Irwin : Ah.

• [talking about Tom Irwin] 

  Headmaster : He comes highly-recommended.

  Mrs. Lintott : So did Anne of Cleves.

  Headmaster : Who? He's up-to-the-minute, more "now".

  Mrs. Lintott : [dryly]  Now? I thought history was "then".

• Headmaster : Ah, Irwin! Splendid news!

  [pops the cork of a bottle of champagne] 

  Headmaster : Splendid news! Posner a scholarship! Dakin an exhibition! And places for everybody else!

  [cops a feel of Fiona's bum] 

  Headmaster : It's... it's more then one could have ever hoped for! Irwin you are to be congratulated! A remarkable achievement! Oh and, you too, you too Dorothy of course, you, ah, laid the foundation.

  Mrs. Lintott : Not Rudge headmaster.

  Headmaster : Not Rudge. Oh, dear.

  Tom Irwin : He said nothing, the others have all had letters.

  Headmaster : There's always an outside chance. It's a pity, it would have been good to have a clean swoop.

  [Rudge appears at the door, but only seen by Mrs. Lintott] 

  Headmaster : Still as I've said all along, you can't polish a turd.

  Mrs. Lintott : [Rudge leaves and Mrs. Lintott takes after him down the hallway]  Rudge!

  [Rudge stops and turns around] 

  Mrs. Lintott : You haven't heard from Oxford?

  [Rudge shakes his head] 

  Mrs. Lintott : Perhaps you'll hear tomorrow.

  Rudge : Why should I? They told me when I was there.

  Mrs. Lintott : I'm sorry.

  Rudge : What for? I got in.

  Mrs. Lintott : How come?

  Rudge : How come they told me, or how come they took a thick sod like me?... I had family connections.

  Mrs. Lintott : [incredulously]  Somebody in your family went to Christ Church?

  Rudge : In a manner of speaking, my Dad, before he got married he was a college servant there. This old, parson, who just been sitting there most of the interview, suddenly said was I related to Bill Rudge who was a scout in staircase seven in the ninety-fifties. So, said he was my Dad, and they said I was the kind of candidate they were looking for. Mind you I did do the other stuff, like Stalin was a sweetie and Wilfred Owen was a wuss. They said I was plainly someone who thought for himself, and exactly what the college rugger team needed.

  Mrs. Lintott : Are you not pleased?

  Rudge : It's not like winning a match.

• Headmaster : So the upshot is I am glad he handled his pupils' balls because at least that I can categorise.

• Headmaster : Fuck the Ren-ai-ssance! And fuck literature, and Plato, and Michaelangelo, and Oscar Wilde, and all the other shrunken violets you people line up. This is a school, and it isn't normal!

• [about Hector] 

  Headmaster : On enquiry I find his pupils know all the words of "When I'm Cleaning Windows".

• [talking about the school] 

  Headmaster : We're low in the league. I want to see us up there with Manchester Grammar, Haberdasher Askes, Leighton Park... or is that an open prison?

• Headmaster : I was a geographer. I went to Hull.