Jerry Springer: The Opera (2005 TV Movie)

David Soul: Jerry Springer

Photos 

Quotes 

• Chucky : [singing]  Put your fucking clothes on, you stupid bitch!

  Shawntel : [singing]  Don't you you touch me! / I'll kill you in your sleep! /

  [runs over and pushes him] 

  Shawntel : Cocksucker!

  [he runs after her] 

  Shawntel : Talk to the ass! Talk to the ass!

  Jerry Springer : So, Chucky, I take it your not too thrilled with Shawntel's pole-dancing dream?

  Chucky : [singing]  She looks like a clown! She looks like a slut!

  Shawntel : [singing]  He don't know shit! He never saw me dance! / But he watches other women dance, every night with his buddies.

• Jerry Springer : I can't go to hell, I'm Jewish!

• Jerry Springer : Please welcome, Baby Jane.

  Baby Jane : [enters singing]  This is my Jerry Springer moment. / I don't want this moment to die. / So dip me in chocolate and throw me to the lesbians. / I don't want this moment to die.

• 1st Inner Valkyrie : [appearing on the side balcony of the stage] 

  [singing] 

  1st Inner Valkyrie : Jerry, Jerry!

  Jerry Springer : [to audience]  It's OK. It's my inner Valkyrie.

  [to her] 

  Jerry Springer : How can I help you today?

  1st Inner Valkyrie : [singing]  Jerry, let the morons fight, but how does Jerry sleep at night?

  Jerry Springer : How do I sleep? I sleep on my back, thank you! You know it's easy to occupy the moral high ground, what's more difficult, is to confidently occupy the moral low ground. Now go away!

  [she sighs and walks off] 

• Jerry Springer : My next guest with a guilty secret is Montel. So Montel what's on your mind?

  Montel : [singing]  I've been seeing Andrea here, and we're in love, we're in love, we're in love!

  Jerry Springer : And so what is it you want to tell Andrea?

  Montel : [singing]  Well Jerry...

  Jerry Springer : [interrupting]  Don't talk to me. Talk to Andrea.

  Montel : [Turns to Andrea. Singing]  Baby, I love you, with all of my heart, but there is one thing you could do for me. Which could change my life! Change my life!

  Andrea : [singing]  Tell me baby! Tell me baby!

  Montel : [singing]  Well baby...

  Andrea : [singing]  Tell me baby! Tell me baby!

  Montel : [singing]  Well baby...

  Andrea : [singing]  Tell me baby! Tell me baby! Tell me baby! Tell me baby! Tell me!

  Montel : [singing]  I wanna be your baby!... baby.

  Montel : [singing]  You are my Baby, baby.

  Montel : [singing]  What I mean is... I wanna be your BABY!

  Andrea : [singing. Confused, after a long pause]  ... what?

  Montel : [singing]  Be your baby!

  Andrea : [singing]  You gotta be kidding!

  Montel : [singing]  Be your baba! Be your baby!

  Andrea : [singing]  Tell me...

  Montel : [singing]  Be your baba! Be your baby!

  [Rips his clothes off. He now stands on the stage in nothing but his shoes and a large traditional diaper] 

  Montel : I wanna be your baby, baby! B A B with a Y, B.A.B.Y!

• Jerry Springer : [to Tremont]  Now let me get this straight.

  [Pointing to Peaches] 

  Jerry Springer : She says she's his.

  [Pointing to Zandra] 

  Jerry Springer : She says he's hers.

  [Pointing to Zandra and Peaches] 

  Jerry Springer : They say he's theirs, I guess you're saying he's yours, so what's going on?

  Tremont : She said that he said that I said, that I said that he said that she said, that they said that she said we both said that he said that I said that YOU said... something or other, I forget!

• Ensemble : For all eternity, you will be, you will be...

  Satan : Fired and flambeéd, baked and sauteéd, steamed and stewed

  Ensemble : then...

  Satan : barbecued!

  Ensemble : then...

  Satan : grilled and roasted!

  Ensemble : then...

  Satan : Lightly toasted!

  Ensemble : Then, then, then, then...

  Jerry Springer : Then what?

  Ensemble , Satan : Fucked up the ass with barbed wire!

  Jerry Springer : Okay that's the down side! What's the up side? If I succeed in this, what's in it for me?

  Ensemble , Satan : NOT getting ass fucked with barbed wire!

  Jerry Springer : What are the hours?

• Jerry Springer : [Jerry lies dying in Steve's arms]  Well, firstly, I'd like to add my name to the list of celebrities calling for tighter gun control... Secondly, it's been a hell of a day. I've learned that there are no absolutes of good and evil and we all live in a glorious state of flux. What can I say? You're not looking at a dying man here... you're looking at yourselves in a matter of months or years or whatever. And for better or for worse, history defines us by what we do, and what we choose not to do. Hopefully, what will survive of us is love. So, until the next time, take car of yourselves... and each other...

  [dies] 

• Jerry Springer : [lies proped up against Steve, dying of a bullet wound]  I've been shot. I'm confused. Why would I get shot?

  Ensemble : [sings]  Please don't die, Jerry.

  Jerry Springer : You shot me in the chest! Why would you shoot me in the chest after everything I've achieved?

  Ensemble : [sings]  Please don't die, Jerry.

  Jerry Springer : Accidently shot by a man in a diaper, trying to kill a member of the Ku Klux Klan. Not exactly the epitaph I was hoping for. Still, it might look good in Latin...

  Ensemble : [sings]  Who will speak for us?

  Jerry Springer : What do you mean?

  Ensemble : [sings]  When you are gone?

  Jerry Springer : Well, you've got lots of people out there!

  [pause] 

  Jerry Springer : You've got Oprah Winfrey!

  Ensemble : [sings]  She's too tame.

  Jerry Springer : [pause]  Sally Jessy Raphael?

  Ensemble : [sings]  She's too old.

  Jerry Springer : [pause]  Dr Phil?

  Ensemble : [sings]  He's too shit.

  Jerry Springer : Ricki Lake?

  Ensemble : [pause] 

  [sings] 

  Ensemble : I guess she's ok...

  Jerry Springer : Now, if you don't mind, I think I'll try to get to a hospital...

  Ensemble : [sings]  Wait! Jerry! Final thought...

• Jerry Springer : [Jerry is hanging over a pit, about to be burned in the fires of hell for not solving the problems of Satan]  Wait! At least give me one chance to sort this out!

  [pause] 

  Jerry Springer : I have a dream!

  [he is lifted slighty out of the pit] 

  Jerry Springer : I have a dream where everyone here turns to their neighbour...

  [lifted slightly] 

  Jerry Springer : ... and shakes them by the hand and says...

  [lifted slightly] 

  Jerry Springer : ..."You know, you're not such a bad guy. Why don't you come on over, my wife's making meatloaf!"

  [dropped into pit] 

  Ensemble : [sings]  Burn, Jerry! Burn, Jerry!

  Jerry Springer : Wait! Wait! At least give me a second chance to sort this out!

  [pause] 

  Jerry Springer : Four score and seven years ago...

  [lifted slightly] 

  Jerry Springer : ... our forefathers brought forth on this continent...

  [lifted slightly] 

  Jerry Springer : ... a new nation conceived in liberty...

  [lifted slightly] 

  Jerry Springer : ... conceived in freedom...

  [lifted slightly] 

  Ensemble : [sings]  And?

  Jerry Springer : ...and in... other abstract concepts... like smell?

  [dropped into pit] 

  Ensemble : [sings]  Burn, Jerry!

  Jerry Springer : Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Please give me a third chance to sort this out! There's just one thing I want to say to everyone here today.

  [lifted slightly] 

  Jerry Springer : ... Please. Please don't kill me. Please.

  [dropped into pit] 

  Ensemble : [sings]  Burn, Jerry!

  Jerry Springer : Oh, what the heck! Go ahead and burn me if it makes you happy! See if I care! You're never going to agree on everything! And what's so bad about that? Satan, you're never going to get your apologies. And God, you don't just get a shoulder to cry on. And Jesus, grow up for Christ's sake, and put some fucking clothes on! Haven't you people heard of yin and yang? Love and hate? Attraction and repulsion? It's the human condition we're talking about here. Energy is pure delight! Nothing is wrong and nothing is right, and everything that lives is holy. And in conclusion... fuck you. Fuck you all.

• Jerry Springer : So, Baby Jane, what is it you want to say to Andrea?

  Baby Jane : [singing]  Mama give me smack on the ass hole. / Mama give me smack every night. / Mama give me smack on the asshole. / Everything will be all right.