In Search of Santa (2003 Video)

Scott McNeil: Mortmottimes, Bubkus Bill, Timebomb Tom

Photos 

Quotes 

• [the Terribly Deep Thinkers, in their own cave in Royal Rookery Rock, is talking through Santa's Magic Looking Glass in his city in the North Pole] 

  Agonysia : They sign the declaration tomorrow.

  Derridommis : Then we'll be heirs to the throne.

  Mortmottimes : [Cackles]  We outwitted them all.

  Derridommis : Thanks to our superior intellect.

  Agonysia : Nothing can stop us now, distinguished colleagues. Nothing!

  [They laugh at each other] 

  Princess Crystal : [Cut to Crystal and Lucinda in Santa's castle in his city]  We must go home and stop them.

  Princess Lucinda : Agreed.

• Mortmottimes : Yesterday's cake fiasco is the talk of the colony.

  Queen Penelope : I assure you, Lord Mortmottimes, in a week the incident shall be forgotten.

  [In the middle of her sentence, Lucinda and her maids from one fo the columns] 

• [the Pirates of the "Blubber Belly" gets astonished with the fireworks of flowers, candy and toys] 

  Timebomb Tom : No ka-boom?

  Santa Claus : [to Tom]  Not today, Tom. My jollyness is a matter of public record.

• Santa Claus : My mastery of the martial arts, is lesser known.

  [as the arrangement of "Jolly Old Saint Nicolas" plays in the background, Santa uses his martial arts skills to temporary turn his red suit into a black suit with red Chinese symbols. The Pirates of the "Blubber Belly" takes a few steps back away from him] 

  Santa Claus : Leave this place.

  [the elf crowd, including Crystal, Lucinda and Pup, cheers for Santa] 

  Timebomb Tom : Uh, what about the treasure?

  Santa Claus : Oh, keep it, for all the good it will do you.

  [the crowd continues to cheer for Santa as the Pirates exits Santa's kingdom, carrying the gifts along] 

• [Mortmottimes is cranking the handle to rise the birdcage with the trapped Princesses Crystal and Lucinda inside] 

  Agonysia : Nyah! Where's your Santa now, Crystal?

  Princess Crystal : You're not smart!

  Mortmottimes : What?

  Princess Crystal : You just use big words to hide small thoughts.

• [Derridommis holds the "Lost the Sea" document, in which King Calvin already signed his three signatures, to Queen Penelope. Agonysia holds Mortmottimes' feather from his beard] 

  Queen Penelope : Oh, what's all this fine print then?

  Agonysia : It just means, should anything happen to you or the king, we, the Terribly Deep Thinkers, take over

  Mortmottimes : Sign on the dotted line, please.

  [Penelope sadly grabs Mortmottimes' feather, then turns at her King, who, silently, sighs] 

• Eugene : [Grabs the compass that he gave to Crystal, almost a year ago, from Pup's mouth]  This is a message from Princess Crystal. She's alive!

  [the crowd, including The Terribly Deep Thinkers, King Calvin & Queen Penelope, and the Gaurds, gasp] 

  Eugene : I gave this to her.

  Agonysia : And it's probably all that's left of her after this savage seal gobbled her.

  Eugene : I'm no marine biologist, but this seal is just a pup.

  [Pup turns his around] 

  Mortmottimes : Your Majesties, we-we - we must keep clesr heads in this time of great grief.

  Derridommis : As much as we might wish to believe Princess Crystal and Lucinda are still alive, we must be brave and carry on.

  Agonysia : [Holds up the "Lost in Sea" document, in which it has one more signature left for Queen Penelope]  Her Majesty must finish her signature.

  Eugene : No! Crystal's here!

  [Pups starts barking and heading toward to the cave, where Princess Crystal is] 

  Eugene : And the seal knows where.

  [Pup is still barking as he leaves] 

  Queen Penelope : Follow the seal.

  [Every penguin in Royal Rookery Rock starts to follow Pup] 

• [Nighttime on Christmas Eve. The banished Terribly Deep Thinkers stands on a glacier] 

  Agonysia : Banished.

  Mortmottimes : Oh, well.

  Derridommis : Nothing lasts forever.

  Mortmottimes : Except forever. Philosophically speaking.

• Agonysia : Princess Crystal, you failed to prove that Santa Claus is real.

  [Crystal silently gasps] 

  Agonysia : Therefore, by default, he is unreal. Thereby and consequently and herein, ergo, we, the Terribly Deep Thinkers, rule that Santa Claus is A HUMAN LIE.

  [the penguin crowd, as spectators, gasps and chatters as Crystal gasps again] 

  Agonysia , Mortmottimes , Derridommis : [together]  Guilty as charged!

  [Agonysia bangs the mallet. Crystal is shocked by the Deep Thinkers' guiltage. Queen Penelope feels sad, so does King Calvin] 

  Agonysia : [Princess Lucinda sinkers]  The court appoints Princess Lucinda the new future queen.

  [the spectators is chattering, as Lucinda's maids come and cheers directly at her. Crystal and Eugene is disappointed with Lucinda's "future queen"] 

• Princess Lucinda : Where is Crystal? Headed for the North Pole.

  Agonysia : Headed for the North Pole.

  Derridommis : Imagine that.

  Princess Lucinda : But... she can't even swim.

  Mortmottimes : I'd be more worried about those nasty leopard seals.

  Derridommis : And hungry killer whales.

  Princess Lucinda : No. I won't let it end like this.

  [Lucinda leaves the Terribly Deep Thinkers' cave. They cackles] 

  Agonysia : [Offscreen]  Good-bye.

  [Agonysia knocks Lucinda's black chess piece on their chessboard] 

• Agonysia : [after the cake fiasco made by Princess Crystal; Groans]  We are not amused.

  Mortmottimes : [Tastes the chocolate frosting from his cloak]  Oh, chocolate! My favorite.

• Princess Crystal : [Excited]  There is a Santa Claus. I know it in my heart.

  Derridommis : Your heart? Rubbish!

  Agonysia : Prove he exsist.

  Princess Crystal : Prove he doesn't.

  Mortmottimes : He doesn't want that away. Does it?

  Derridommis : We are not on trial.

• Bubkus Bill : Welcome aboard the Blubber Belly, me hearties. First mate Bubkus Bill at your service. He be Timebomb Tom.

  Timebomb Tom : Uh, ka-boom.

  [Tom gives a soft laugh] 

  Princess Crystal : I am Crystal. My sister Lucinda. And Pup.

  [Pup barks] 

  Princess Crystal : Thank you for rescuing us.

  Timebomb Tom : Uh, no, don't thank us.

  Timebomb Tom : 'Twas the nefarious Capn' Cragg who gave the order.

  Princess Crystal : Oh! How nice of him.

• Capn' Cragg : [Offscreen]  Nice?

  [Camera pans to reveal Capn' Cragg, in which the thunder effect reveals his skeleton. Crystal, Lucy and Pup is whimpering] 

  Capn' Cragg : Nice? Who dare call the nefarious Capn' Cragg nice?

  Princess Crystal : Uh, I meant no offense.

  Capn' Cragg : [Walks down the stairs]  Arr!

  [Cragg draws out the sword, that shocked Crystal, Lucy and Pup] 

  Capn' Cragg : Who's the most fearsome swashbuckler to ever buckle a swash?

  Bubkus Bill : You are, Capn'.

  Capn' Cragg : Who puts the "-irate" in "pirate"?

  Timebomb Tom : Uh, I'll guess, uh, you?

• Bubkus Bill : Why the North Pole, Capn'? Have we gone soft?

  Capn' Cragg : [to Bill]  Why, no, lad. The nefarious Capn' Cragg be schemin' a scheme that'll make us all filthy rich.

  [Cragg gives a soft sigh] 

  Timebomb Tom : Oh, well we're opening a fast-food franchise is seafood restaurants with a pirate theme?

  Capn' Cragg : [to Tom]  Uh, no, we're not. It's even better than that, Tom.

• Bubkus Bill : [the Blubber Belly is approaching the North Pole]  Land ho! Land ho!

  Capn' Cragg : Anchors aweigh!

  [Timebomb Tom drops the vault into the water] 

  Capn' Cragg : Arr! There she is, me hearties! The North Pole.

• Princess Crystal : Whay do you want?

  Princess Lucinda : They're come to stop us.

  Derridommis : Ooh, on the contrary. We've come to congratulate you.

  Princess Lucinda : I'm so sure.

  Agonysia : We misjudged you both.

  Princess Lucinda : You mean you underestimated us.

  Princess Crystal : Santa does exist, and we have proof.

  Agonysia : We couldn't be happier.

  Derridommis : Princess Crystal, you not only faced your worst fears, but you and Princess Lucinda have gone where no penguin have gone before.

  Mortmottimes : And, in the process, it appears you've become best friends.

  Derridommis : This delights us.

  Princess Crystal : Oh. Perhaps I misjudged you too.

  Princess Lucinda : [to Crystal]  Don't fall for their pack of lies. This is a trick!

  Princess Lucinda : [to Lucy]  If this were a trick, why would we invite the entire colony to the Cave of Profundity to celebrate your triumphant return?

• Agonysia : [offscreen]  Your Majesties, we, the Terribly Deep Thinkers,

  Agonysia : feel your pain.

  Derridommis : Unpleasant circumstances aside, the colony...

  Derridommis : [offscreeen]  ... requires a new sucessor.

  Mortmottimes : [Rolls out document]  This document legally declares your daughters... lost at sea.

  Agonysia : And we, the new heirs to the throne.

  Derridommis : A secure future makes a pleasant present.

  Mortmottimes : [Cackles]  Sign on the dotted line.

  [Agonysia takes a feather out of Mortmottimes to use as a quail. As she presents it to Queen Penelope, Penelope sobs at the missing Princesses. During the process, Phillip watches aside from them] 

  King Calvin : No! They're still out there... somewhere. I can feel it in my heart.

  Agonysia : Mmm, take another week to mourn.

  Mortmottimes : We'll be back.

• Capn' Cragg : I hopes ye find what you're lookin' for.

  Timebomb Tom : Yeah. And don't worry. 'Cause we got no plans to secretly follow you.

  [Bubkus Bill slaps Tom] 

  Timebomb Tom : Ow! Hey!

• Agonysia : It breaks our hearts too, Your Majesty, but the facts speak for themselves. Derridommis?

  Derridommis : Fact: Princess Crystal is hardly the proper penguin princess.

  Mortmottimes : She consorts with a common fool.

  Derridommis : She doesn't swim with the flock.

  Mortmottimes : She can't swim at all.

  Agonysia : She waddles alone.

  Mortmottimes : She agitates the children with subversive stories.

  Derridommis : She's a rebel.

  Queen Penelope : But these are only opinions disguised as facts.

  [Agonysia gasps] 

  Queen Penelope : Don't you see? All you've done is prove that Crystal waddles to the best of her own drummer, just like her father. Is that against penguin law?

  King Calvin : [Chuckles]  I hope not, or I'd rotting away in the dungeon, wouldn't I?

  Agonysia : Perhaps maternal instincts have impaired Her Majesty's objectivity.

  Queen Penelope : Crystal is future queen, Lady Agonysia, and that is that.

• Santa Claus : May I help you?

  Capn' Cragg : Hand over your treasure, Claus, or we blow your whole city to smithereens.

  Timebomb Tom : Ka-boom!

  Santa Claus : Oh, very well.

  [Santa snaps his fingers. The elves carry the treasure chests of gold, silver and multicolored] 

  Santa Claus : Will that suffice?

  Capn' Cragg : Hold your sea horses! What about the magic flying dust and the hocus-pocus see-all lookin' glass?

  Santa Claus : Oh, there's powerful magic in those things.

  Capn' Cragg : Just hand 'em over!

  Santa Claus : As you wish.

  [the elves carry the magic flying dust and the magic looking glasss to the pirates] 

  Capn' Cragg : Now helps Cragg carry the booty back to me ship.

  Santa Claus : [Chuckling]  Carry? Magic flying dust has an amusing effect on the laws of gravity.

  [Santa's flying dust makes the pirates' trasure floating] 

• Bubkus Bill : Eh! It's no use, Capn' We're stuck.

  Capn' Cragg : Oh! Get the magic flyin' dust.

  [Bill gets the cart with a huge dust bag, but when Cragg opens the bag, it turns to be sawdust] 

  Capn' Cragg : Sawdust?

  Bubkus Bill : Perhaps the magic looking glass will show us the way out.

  [the Pirates stare at the glass, in which it breaks out] 

  Capn' Cragg : [Yelps]  Yar-arrr?

  Timebomb Tom : That can't be too lucky.

  [the Pirates open their treasure chests, which turned to coal] 

  Capn' Cragg : Uh!

  Bubkus Bill : Capn' the treasures turned to coal.

  Capn' Cragg : [Grunts]  Yo-llll.

  Timebomb Tom : Barbecue, anyone?

• Timebomb Tom : I know! Let's give up pirating and become interior decorators.

• Bubkus Bill : [Reads message]  "Every good deed bring its own reward."

  Capn' Cragg , Timebomb Tom : [Reads message]  "Your friend, Santy Claus."

• [In the court, inside the palace] 

  Agonysia : Aiding and abetting the forbidden simulation of flight, trifling with human things, and corrupting penguin youth with human lies.

  Princess Crystal : Santa Claus isn't a lie.

  Agonysia : Blasphemy!

  Derridommis : Sacrilege!

  Mortmottimes : Heresy!

  Agonysia : How does the defendment plead?

• [as the Terribly Deep Thinkers heading back into the cave, Princess Lucinda runs in from behind the snow-peaked rock] 

  Princess Lucinda : Deep Thinkers, wait!

  [They turn towards Lucy] 

  Princess Lucinda : I wish to help the cause.

  Mortmottimes : Cause? What cause?

  [Agonysia bumps Mortmottimes] 

  Agonysia : She wants what's best for the colony. Don't you, Princess Lucinda.

  [Agonysia walks up toward Lucy] 

  Princess Lucinda : I do.

  [the two others join Agonysia] 

  Agonysia : Then watch Crystal carefully...

  Derridommis : ...become her shadow...

  Agonysia : ...and report back everything you see...

  Agonysia , Mortmottimes , Derridommis : [in unison]  ... to us!

  Princess Lucinda : I shall do it, for the greater good of the colony.

  [Piano plays the three-note stinger as the scene fades to black] 

• King Calvin , Queen Penelope , Agonysia , Mortmottimes , Derridommis , Eugene , Phillip , The Wing Maidens , The Crowd of Royal Rookery Rock : [together]  Happy hatchday to you / Happy hatchday to you / You're looking real swell / Since you shattered your shell / Happy Ha-aaa-atchday to yo-oooo-ou

• Agonysia : Loopholes.

  Mortmottimes : Poop holes?

  Agonysia : The law scroll, Lord Mortmottimes.

  Mortmottimes : Oh, well, yes.

  Mortmottimes : [Clears throat, coughs]  We recently uncovered certain legal loopholes reguarding this matter.

• Agonysia , Derridommis , Mortmottimes : [singing together]  We're the Terribly Deep Thinkers / We're walking almanacs / Our bones are old and brittle / But our minds are sharp as tacks

  Agonysia : We're overeducated

  Mortmottimes : We're snooty brainiacs

  Agonysia , Derridommis , Mortmottimes : [together]  We possess an excess / Of many useless facts

• Agonysia , Derridommis , Mortmottimes : [singing together]  We're the Terribly Deep Thinkers

  Derridommis : Our thoughts are very deep

  Mortmottimes : We are birds whose big words

  Agonysia , Derridommis , Mortmottimes : [together]  Put lesser minds to sleep

  Agonysia , Derridommis , Mortmottimes : [together]  But among intelligentsia /We're mental giants / And this is why when we die

  Derridommis : We'll leave our brains to science

• Agonysia , Derridommis , Mortmottimes : [singing together]  We're the Terribly Deep Thinkers / We're birds of higher learning / We welcome you to this barbeque / Of books that need such burning

  Agonysia , Derridommis , Mortmottimes : [singing and dancing together]  If you find us condenscending / You're jealous 'cause we're smart / We don't hesitate to elevate

  [pause] 

  Agonysia , Derridommis , Mortmottimes : [resumes]  Deep thinking to an art

  Agonysia : And what we do / And now we do / With your best / Interests at heart

• Capn' Cragg : [offscreen singing]  Who's the ugliest, and thugliest / The meanest amd obscenest? / Whose habits are uncleanest / And so fearsome you hygienists?

  Capn' Cragg : The king of all the no-account / Gnarly nasty knave /Who's that tusky tank of terror / Who very rarely bathes?

  Bubkus Bill , Timebomb Tom : He's known to boast and the brag / The nefarious Capn' Cragg

  Capn' Cragg : [breaks the fourth wall]  Ah lads, you know me too

• Eugene : Princess Crystal, always believed in me. She taught me, to believe in myself.

  Mortmottimes : [Makes a loud raspberry with a tissue; sniffs]  Sorry.

• Princess Lucinda : [Clears throat offscreen]  I... did see the bell fall from the sky.

  [the Terribly Deep Thinkers gets up from the game of chess walks towards Lucinda] 

  Agonysia : You lied under oath?

  Princess Lucinda : Uh, I did for the cause.

  Agonysia , Mortmottimes , Derridommis : [Together in Unison]  Whose cause?

  Princess Lucinda : For-For- For the greater good of the colony.

  Agonysia : Pish-posh. You were blinded by ambition.

  Princess Lucinda : But you said I was the better bird.

  Mortmottimes : Better to betray your own flesh and blood?

  Agonysia : No one will ever trust you again.

  Princess Lucinda : You...

  Princess Lucinda : [Groans]  You tricked me!

  Derridommis : You spied.

  [Lucinda backs up agianst the wall] 

  Mortmottimes : [offscreen]  You lied!

  Derridommis : They'll blame you for everything.

  Agonysia : You'll never be queen now.

• Princess Crystal : But how else will we find Santa Claus?

  Bubkus Bill : Sandy Claws?

  [Bill first laughs, then Timebomb Tom joins him] 

  Bubkus Bill : [to Tom]  What would you like for Christmas, little boy?

  [Bill giggles] 

  Timebomb Tom : Uh, more T.N.T., then ka-boom! Oh! And tea service for six please.

• Capn' Cragg : Well, what shall we do with 'em, lads?

  Timebomb Tom : Uh, I know. Let's have a tea party.

  Bubkus Bill : Why not put 'em to work, Capn'? Deck needs swabbin'.

  Timebomb Tom : Sails need mending.

  Capn' Cragg : Grub needs cooking.

  Princess Lucinda : I'd rather walk the prank.

• Mortmottimes : You see, young ladies, you returned on the day of tradgic mourning.

  Derridommis : Soon the king & queen will declare their daughters...

  Agonysia , Mortmottimes , Derridommis : [together; Agonysia is offscreen]  ..."lost at sea!"

• Princess Crystal : We'll do it, if you'll take us to the North Pole.

  Princess Lucinda : What are you-? Don't bargain with these barbarians. These pirates are ruthless.

  Timebomb Tom : Uh, that is true. We are utterly without ruths.

• Baby Princess Crystal : [Penelope picks up a just-hatched baby]  Mama. Mama.

  King Calvin : Oh. She has your beak, Penelope

  Queen Penelope : We shall call her, Crystal.

  Mortmottimes : Pistol? Why-why-why, that's no name for a future queen. Isn't that ridiculous?

  Agonysia , Derridommis : Crystal!

• Eugene : [Has clams, three each, in his flippers]  And speaking of clams...

  Agonysia : Pitiful.

  Eugene : ...they think the whole ocean belongs to them. Boy, are they shellfish?

  [Wipes off the clams] 

  Mortmottimes : I wonder if he does impressions.

  [the crowd throws snowballs at Eugene, as they heckle] 

• [the Terribly Deep Thinkers exit the palace as its doors slam shut loudly behind them] 

  Mortmottimes : That went well. What's for lunch?

  Agonysia : Button your beak, Mortmottimes.