Employee of the Month (2006)

Dane Cook: Zack

Photos 

Quotes 

• Russell : Check it out guy, he's the alpha male of the store... chicks always go after the alpha male, they're like lions... kings of the desert. And you, you're just a little tiny fieldmouse dangling in the teeth of the lion while he's banging your chick. Oh wait a minute... boxboy, you're like the little hairy nutsack on the little hairy fieldmouse swinging back and forth while he's banging your chick...

  Zack : [on radio]  You're metaphors are magical, but shut the hell up! please?

  Russell : [on radio]  Roger... just going back and forth hairy calahari style in and out with his big...

• [a grumpy lady struggles to load a casket onto a cart] 

  Grumpy Lady : Damn! The thing's heavier than it looks.

  Zack : Hi, do you need some help with that?

  Grumpy Lady : Yes, thank you.

  [they get the casket into the cart] 

  Grumpy Lady : It's for my husband.

  Zack : Oh, I'm sorry to hear about that.

  Grumpy Lady : Oh, he's not dead. Not yet. It's just too good a deal to pass up.

  Zack : Well, do you need some help getting it to your car?

  Grumpy Lady : No, thank you. The lazy prick's waiting for me. I'm gonna make him load it.

  Zack : Well, good luck murdering your husband.

  [the grumpy lady laughs] 

  Zack : If you need my help, holler.

  [on her way out of the store, the grumpy lady addresses Dirk] 

  Grumpy Lady : Excuse me.

  Dirk : Yes?

  Grumpy Lady : That young man is wonderful. I'll be back for sure, just because of him.

  Dirk : [looks at Vince]  Oh, that man there? No surprise.

  Grumpy Lady : No.

  [the grumpy lady goes over to Zack] 

  Grumpy Lady : This is the guy. He's a wonderful fella.

  Dirk : Well, thank you. May I help you find your way to your car?

  Grumpy Lady : I know where it is. Idiot.

• Vince : I realize that you don't care about your job, but I do.

  Zack : And I want to thank you for caring about my job, really.

• [Zack calls Timeout to give the Super Club Softball Team an inspirational pep talk] 

  Zack : Grab a knee. C'mon.

  [All the members of the Super Club Softball Team takes a knee] 

  Zack : We can win this. And we can win this the Super Club way. Ok? And until today, I didn't even know what that meant. In fact, I still don't. But I do know this; we are a team out here. I mean look at us. Glenn Ross.

  [Zack points to Glenn Ross] 

  Zack : I thought you were going to be a stuffed shirt out here. But the way you took out that catcher, are you kidding me? You're the balls, man. You're the balls and the tank. You're that whole region.

  [Zack points to the Catcher] 

  Zack : And you? I don't even know you on a personal level. But you sign up for my paychecks. That's a good thing.

  Zack : Amy, you're wonderful. Don't change a thing.

  Zack : Glenn Gary, you got us pink uniforms, yes. But you know what, that's what unites us. These uniforms unites us, because we are all pink on the inside. Right?

  Vince : Yeah, pink like vaginas.

  [awkward silence] 

  Zack : Good guess, Vince.

• Vince : Well, I guess I can get a little anal...

  Zack : Actually, I hear he gets alot.

• Lon : I can't see who's calling me a loser.

  Zack : Well, I'll give you a hint. He waxes his forearms and lost his virginity in the Boy Scouts.

  Lon : Uncle Donny?

• Granny : Why aren't you dressed for work? Isn't today the big day?

  Zack : I quit.

  Granny : Why?

  Zack : I screwed up Grams. Amy hates me. My friends hate me. Everybody's right about me. I'm a loser.

  Granny : Well, you're certainly dressed for the part.

  Zack : Thanks Grams.

  Granny : You know that loser that lost all my retirement money? Well, at least that guy actually tried. I'll take the old Zack any day.

• Granny : Zacky! What's my pin number?

  Zack : 1234 Grandma, now we have to change it again!

• [Zack holds up a mop, preparing to go clean up a spill, when Vince appears out of a break room with a mop] 

  Zack : You have got to be kidding MEEEEEEEEEEE!