Memorable quotes for
The Chumscrubber (2005) More at IMDbPro »

[repeated line]
Various: It's for school.

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Lee: He won't die!
Billy: You wuss!
Lee: He's stronger than he looks!
Billy: Here! Stab him!
Lee: Where?
Billy: I don't know! In the stomach or something!
Lee: [stabs Charlie] Shit!
Charley Bratley: You stabbed me in the stomach!
Billy: Is it deep?
Lee: [to Charlie] Is it deep?
Charley Bratley: [pause] Fuck you!
Billy: [sighs] No, it's not deep.

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Crystal Falls: I probably would have ended up with a football player if I hadn't met you. And I'm not gonna lie - you've really kept it interesting, but I'm done.
Billy: What the fuck are you talking about?

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[repeated line]
Mrs. Johnson: I just thought you should know that, in no way whatsoever, do I blame you for Troy's death.

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Crystal Falls: [after Crystal's friends have mocked Troy's death to humiliate Dean] Look, I just wanted to apologize for what happened back there.
Dean Stiffle: Why? Did you do it?
Crystal Falls: No, but my friends did.
Dean Stiffle: Some pretty nice friends you got there.
Crystal Falls: What are you saying? It's better to have no friends at all?
Dean Stiffle: Actually, yes.

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Mrs. Johnson: [at Troy's memorial] It's all my fault. I didn't even know him.
Dean Stiffle: Troy wanted to play guitar in a rock band - be famous. He knew he wasn't any good, so he felt stupid for wishing that. He had a crush on a girl since he was thirteen, but he never talked to her, although I think he wished he had. He was so smart, but he kept his ideas to himself - unless you asked him. He liked you. I think he felt sorry for you. He was afraid he was going to end up like his dad. Troy was my friend. He was my best friend.
[pause]
Mrs. Johnson: Thank you.

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Crystal Falls: [Billy is playing Charlie's tuba] What are you doing?
Billy: I was thinking of going out for marching band. It seems to be what all the chicks are into, you know?
Crystal Falls: Yeah, Charlie nailed me all night long.
[Billy throws down the tuba, destroying it]
Crystal Falls: Oh my god, Billy - why would you do that?
Billy: Because I'm a stupid bastard?

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The Chumscrubber: [on a morbid cartoon everyone is watching] I live in a city, but in an apartment high above the cloud left by the blast. I'm one of the lucky ones. One morning, I awoke to find my head was no longer attached to my body. I'm not dead, but who could call this a life? So I do what I can, in this city of freaks and subhuman creatures. I became... The Chumscrubber.

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Mr. Peck: Who put that knife in the wall?
Billy: I did.
Mr. Peck: Fix it.
Billy: No.
Mr. Peck: Excuse me?
Billy: It's my room.
Mr. Peck: No. It's not your room. It is a room in my house.
Billy: Then you fix it.

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Billy: [to Charlie] Hey, shitballs, come here. I want to show you something. Now, when you get to high school, if anyone tries to kick your ass - well, you're probably gonna get your ass kicked anyways, but if you weren't such a pussy, you could try this. Come at me, hit me in the chest.
[Charlie weakly hits him]
Billy: No, really come at me like you got a pair.
[Charlie lunges at Billy, who tosses him across the room]
Billy: Good! That was good!
Crystal Falls: Oh, my God, Billy! Are you hurt, Charlie?
Lee: He's about half your size, man.
Billy: Are you fucking kidding me? We fucking kidnapped this fucking kid! Am I the only person who fucking remembers that?
Lee: You're such a dick.

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Billy: [playing Charley's "Chumscrubber" video game] Ah! Come on! Let's see some fucking blood already.

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Crystal Falls: How do you eat that?
Dean Stiffle: In pretty much the standard way.
Crystal Falls: You know, if I ate that everyday, I would get a big fat ass.
Dean Stiffle: Is that your greatest fear?
Crystal Falls: No, but it's my mother's greatest wish.
Dean Stiffle: What? That you be fat?
Crystal Falls: No, just fatter than her.

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Crystal Falls: You know if I ate that stuff everyday, I'd have a big fat ass.
Dean Stiffle: And is that your greatest fear?

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Dean Stiffle: I read this statistic once, that the average kid sees somethng like 10,000 dead bodies on TV before he turns 18.

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Dr. Bill Stiffle: How do you feel about the suicide of your best friend in the world?
Dean Stiffle: [pause] Real shitty.

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Billy: No, it's not deep.
Lee: Well, fucking pardon me!

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Charlie Stiffle: [playing a video game] Son of a bitch!
Mrs. Stiffle: Charlie! I am doing Veggie Force!

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Dean Stiffle: Dad, if you write about me again in another one of your stupid books, I'm going to kill you.
Dr. Bill Stiffle: Stupid? There are several major book chains around this country that will disagree with you on that point.

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Dr. Bill Stiffle: Mrs. Johnson suspects that Troy might have been selling drugs to some other kids at school.
Dean Stiffle: Yeah?
Dr. Bill Stiffle: How do you feel about that?
Dean Stiffle: I feel that it must have been unfulfilling for him.
Dr. Bill Stiffle: That's very interesting. Why do you say that?
Dean Stiffle: Because he killed himself.

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Terri Bratley: [after noticing officer Lou Bratley watching her from the other side of the street] I see you, Lou! Don't you think I can't see what you're doing, Lou! Can't you see I just don't fucking love you anymore!

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Crystal Falls: I don't think you're crazy.
Dean Stiffle: You know, there are several major book chains that would be willing to disagree with you on that point.

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Mr. Parker: Those kids again, Lee?
Lee: We're doing a group project.
Mr. Parker: With them, Lee? You think they care what grades you get?
Lee: Mom...
Mr. Parker: Look, son, you let your grades go now, maybe you don't get into a top tier school.
Lee: Yeah.
Mr. Parker: You don't get into a top tier school, maybe you settle for a second-rate job.Maybe you don't have the life you want. Maybe each and every day you wake up and wanna crawl back into bed and tell the world to go to hell.
Mrs. Parker: We're just saying, you've worked too hard to blow it in your last year.
Mr. Parker: We've all worked hard together.

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Dean Stiffle: Will somebody pick up THE GOD DAMN PHONE!

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Mayor Michael Ebbs: Terri, goshdarnit, you pierced his dorsal.

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Crystal Falls: You really don't care what people think about you do you?
Dean Stiffle: No, I really don't.
Crystal Falls: Nice trick.
Dean Stiffle: Thanks, I studied in the far east.
Crystal Falls: What's the first step?
Dean Stiffle: Well you start with years of ridicule...

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