Stella Shorts 1998-2002 (2002 Video)
Michael Ian Black: Michael
Quotes
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John : [the guys are getting ready to burn a baby. John runs in from nowhere] No! No!
[grabs baby and throws it]
Michael Ian Black : You asshole! That was our kindling!
Michael Showalter : Hey, nifty spiral dude. Did you play college ball?
David Wain : What's your name?
John : John.
David Wain : Oh, that's, that's a beautiful name.
Michael Ian Black : Is that Navajo?
Michael Showalter : Hey, hey, John, John. D-D-Did you ever suck a dog's dick?
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Pizza Guy : You think I'm some sloppy wet pussy for you to fuck? Is that what you think? You think I'm some sloppy wet pussy for you to fuck?
Michael Ian Black : I don't think that.
Michael Showalter : I don't think that.
David Wain : I kind of think that.
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David Wain : I'm bored.
[grabs knife and holds it to throat]
Michael Showalter : David, wait!
David Wain : But I'm bored.
Michael : I'm bored too.
[holds knife to David's throat]
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Michael Showalter : I'm starving. What's for lunch?
David Wain : Michael, there's all sorts of delicious foods to be found in the woods if you just know where to look for them. Like, take a look at this.
[gestures to frankfurters lying on the ground]
Michael Showalter : Great, frankfurters! Let's make a fire and cook 'em.
David Wain : Okay, you two go look for wood and meet back here in five minutes.
Michael Ian Black : Okay, what are you gonna do?
David Wain : I'm gonna stay here and rub one out.
Michael Ian Black : Great.
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Michael Ian Black : Hey, look what I found on the street, a kitty cat.
[holds up cat]
David Wain : Look at him! He's so cute!
Michael Showalter : What's his name?
Michael Ian Black : I thought we could call him Flava Flav.
Michael Showalter : Oh, like the rapper?
Michael Ian Black : No, my grandfather's name was Flava Flav.
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Michael Ian Black : [trying to rake leaves, but holding rake upside down] It's not working!
Michael Showalter : [putting leaves in a manila envelope] This will take me forever. The bag is too small.
David Wain : [raking a tree trunk] Where are the leaves anyway? I feel like I'm in hell.
Michael Ian Black : [Mother Nature appears] Mother Nature!
Michael Showalter : [whispers] Mother of God!
David Wain : Mother I'd like to fuck!
Michael Ian Black : I like your jeans, Mother Nature.
Mother Nature : How's the yard work going boys?
Michael Showalter : Raking leaves is a lot harder than we thought it would be.
David Wain : [holding up two wine glasses and a bottle of wine] Would you like to have a drink with me?
Mother Nature : [holding wine glass] You need to be at one with nature. Maybe this will help.
[snaps fingers]
Mother Nature : ["Don't Tell Me" by Madonna starts playing]
Michael Ian Black : Madonna!
Michael Showalter : I love this song.
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[the guys are writing a letter to Santa]
Michael Showalter : Okay, here it is. Tell me what you think, you guys. Dear Santa...
Michael Ian Black : [interrupting] No, no, no. I mean, you're not on a first name basis with the guy.
Michael Showalter : [crumpling letter] Oh, God! You know what, Mike? I have just about really had it up to here with your condescension. You write it!
Michael Ian Black : [writing letter] Dear Kris Kringle...
David Wain : [interrupting] No, no, no. That's way too formal. We want him to think we're cool.
Michael Ian Black : [crumpling letter] Oh, just screw it, okay? I am sick to death of trying to please you, you fucking kike! You write it!
David Wain : [writing letter] What's up, dude?
Michael Ian Black : Perfect.
Santa : [cut to Santa reading the letter] What's up, dude? These guys are pretty cool.
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Michael Showalter : Hey Mike... is that your final answer?
David Wain : Suddenly I'm here with Regis! Right there!
Michael Ian Black : Hey hey hey... I'd like to use a lifeline.
Michael Showalter : Hey hey hey... don't do that. Wouldn't be prudent.
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Michael Ian Black : That was great, we should use that for STELLA.
Michael Showalter : (turns to camera)We Just did.
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Michael Ian Black : Whoa whoa whoa hold on guys hold on. We don't want a problem here, nobody wants a problem. Now I think the way to resolve this is maybe for you and your friends to go home and suck on your momma's flabby tit. How 'bout that?
Baseball Player #3 : Oh, you're dead... you're all dead.
David Wain : [shouts] You're the one who's gonna be dead, motherfucker! You're the ones, motherfucker!
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Michael Showalter : So, how was the assfucking?
Michael Ian Black : I thought it really hurt. She cut me right in half.
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David Wain : Hey, Mike! If you need us, we're gonna be in the bedroom makin' stains.
Girl #2 : Oh my God! He's gonna off himself!
Michael Ian Black : Michael, this is a really bad time for this!
Michael Showalter : Well I'm sorry.
David Wain : Sorry's not good enough dickweed! These girls, they want us to put it in their butt.
Michael Showalter : Fine, I'll make the coffee.
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Michael Showalter : I'm really happy for you all. I just wish my day was as good as yours.
Michael Ian Black : Well that's your problem. Fuck you!
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Michael : What is truth?
Michael Showalter : A leaf on a tree.
Michael : The sound of waves hitting the side of a boat.
David Wain : I can suck my own dick!