- Bartholomew: I took up smoking right after I gave up heterosexuality. I utterly refuse to discipline myself in too many ways at once!
- Bartholomew: You know, Ken, you look utterly adorable in the samurai suit. You make Toshirô Mifune look positively dowdy!
- Josie: Rape me!
- Leonard: Just like that, huh?
- Josie: Sure, I won't mind.
- Leonard: Josie, come on! I can't!
- Josie: It's the same as always, just a little more forceful.
- Leonard: Rape is when the chick is unwilling!
- Josie: So I'll put up a good fight.
- [Josie yanks off Leonard's pants]
- Leonard: Josie, come on! Stop that!
- Josie: Okay, I'll rape you!
- Mrs. McAllister: Well, all that racket last night!
- Leonard: Oh, you heard a few sounds from our little soirée?
- Mrs. McAllister: Soirée? Is that a new word for dope?
- Leonard: I assure you our little seminar last night wasn't half as wild as it sounded.
- Mrs. McAllister: Sound is one thing, Leonard. Boys and girls spending the night together's another!
- Leonard: Grace Margery, don't trouble your mind. The boys were all sleeping with boys, girls with girls.
- Josie: Sometimes I feel I'm the director of some black comedy and all the players are blowing their lines, and I wanna stand up and scream, "That's not the way it's supposed to be."
- Josie: Shall we say grace? Ready? Begin.
- Josie, Leonard, Ken: Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yay, God!
- Bartholomew: You're a bunch of disgusting heathens.
- Josie: There's lots of reasons for divorce and one really you can count on. Damn few get divorced when they're getting it good.
- Josie: Divorcees are always looking for judges, someone who will tell them, "You were right and he was the bastard." What better judges could I find than two fellow divorcees? All in the same boat, all equally adrift.
- Josie: Forever is what you promise the first time you fall in love. The second time around, all you offer is one day at a time.
- Josie: And what do you do?
- Bartholomew: I'm shooting at the zoo, the final sequence for my master's.
- Josie: What's the title?
- Bartholomew: It's called, "A Helping Hand."
- Josie: Oh well that sounds very altruistic.
- Bartholomew: Not at all, my dear, it's about masturbation!
- Bartholomew: When I heard that your kinky little ménage à trois had moved into the castle, I thought, "Hmmmm."
- Josie: It's not like that at all, it's just Leonard and me.
- Bartholomew: Oh come on! That number's as gay as pink ink!
- Josie: I can give you a testimonial.
- Bartholomew: Whether he knows it or not, that number's just dying to come out of the closet!
- Blonde at Party: I was so broke last summer that I had to take the pill every other day to economize!
- Leonard: It's incredible how one person can be so talented.
- Bartholomew: You're just jealous because you're so INCREDIBLY one-dimensional.
- Leonard: You mean I'm not bisexual?
- Bartholomew: Well, that's one area, yes.
- Leonard's Mother: You are a classic underachiever, Leonard, a drifter and a dreamer, but I never expected to find you here!
- Leonard: It's very in these days, Mother. Senator's sons, businessmen's daughters. The nicest people are going to jail!
- Josie: How is the dope business? I bet you two meet a lot of mafia celebrities in your line of work.
- Leonard: Oh, sure. Walk into any dealer's pad and there's one dead in the bathtub.
- Bartholomew: It's a good, clean living!