Memorable quotes for
Fun with Dick and Jane (2005) More at IMDbPro »

Dick Harper: Are these non-fat muffins? ARE THESE NON-FAT MUFFINS?
Coffee Shop Guy: [stutters] I-I-I think so...
Dick Harper: Oh, Gee, Hon, you gotta get some of those!

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Jane Harper: We might be in a little bit of a pickle, Dick.

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Billy Harper: Don't take away my Telemundo!

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[first lines]
Dick Harper: Globodyne is a consolidator of media properties. Globodyne is a consolidator of media properties. Consolidator. Consolidator.
[traffic light turns]
Dick Harper: Oh, no!
Title card: Run, Dick, Run
Dick Harper: Globodyne's a consolidator of media properties and data retrieval with a focus in fiber-optic content provision. It's basically a synergy of Web-based and platform-based UNIX-driven delivery systems. OK, I made that last part up.

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[first title cards]
Title card: A long, long time ago...
Title card: in the year 2000...
Title card: Meet Dick

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Frank Bascom: Do you have any idea what I had to go through to get that form?
Dick Harper: No, let me guess, a fifth of SCOTCH?
[Frank exhales into Dick's face]

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[last lines]
Garth: Hey, how do you like the new wheels?
Dick Harper: Nice.
Garth: Hooked up with a new company. Great benefits.
Dick Harper: Yeah?
Garth: Yeah. They trade energy. It's called Enron!
Dick Harper: Huh.

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Dick Harper: I'm pretty sure she's gonna notice her car isn't towed.
Frank Bascom: Right, I'll stall her.
[Frank backs his car straight into female banker's car]

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Karen Williams: [Seeing her car smashed] Oh my God, my car! What is wrong with you?
Frank Bascom: [extremely drunk] What's wrong with me? You're the one parked in a handicapped space!
Karen Williams: That's not a handicapped space!
Frank Bascom: It is now!

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Dick Harper: I got the lawn back.

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Disgruntled Kostmart Customer: I saw you eyeballing me! All up in my goodies!

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Dick Harper: We're all just cavemen, Trying to protect our little patch of land. Well now I've got a club, and I'm gonna take what I need.

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Dick Harper: Son of a bitch!
Jane Harper: That fucker!
Dick Harper: Hon, language.

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Kostmart Training Leader: I'll sell you my pee for a hundred dollars. Been off the pipe for two years.
[snaps]
Kostmart Training Leader: Thank you Jesus!

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[With her accent, Richard sounds like retard]
Blanca: What's a matter, Retard?
Dick Harper: Call me Dick.

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Dick Harper: [after being punched in the mouth, sound like he is trying to have in American accent] No, I swear, I am an American citizen.
INS Agent: Save it.
[dragging Dick to deportation bus]
Dick Harper: No, call my wife... It's ringing
Billy Harper: [answers the phone] Hola?

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Jack McCallister: Did I get it?
Jack's Assistant: [Shoots his gun] Now you did.

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Jack McCallister: Dick Harper, Dick Harper, Dick Harper playing the harp. Harpo Marx playing the Jews harp.*DH*, DH! You're my Designated Hitter!

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Dick Harper: We followed the rules, and we got screwed.

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Dick Harper: Billy tell your father he's a winner.
Billy Harper: Papa es ganador.
Dick Harper: see?
Billy Harper: SI!

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Dick Harper: INDICTED!

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Dick Harper: [after watching the news saying he is going to be indicted] Indicted?
Jane Harper: Dick?
Dick Harper: [screaming] Indicted!
Jane Harper: Dick, its gonna' be alright.
Dick Harper: [starts running around house screaming] Indicted, Indicted, I'm being Indicted!
Jane Harper: [Yells to him in a different room] Dick calm down.
Dick Harper: [Runs back in to bedroom]
[In pitiful voice]
Dick Harper: I can't calm down, I'm being indicted...

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Jane Harper: I went to this Botox Experiment, and I had a little accident... does it really look that bad?
Dick Harper: No. Just... different.
Day Laborer: Hey Dick, can we talk about these some other time?

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Billy Harper: Mama quit her yob yayyyy!

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Billy Harper: What are you doing to the television?

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Dick Harper: [holding McCallister at gunpoint] I've been terminated, bankrupted, deported and blackmailed because of you, and I'm not leaving here without your money.
Jack McCallister: What are you gonna do, Dick? Shoot me if I don't approve that form?
Dick Harper: Write me a check.
Jack McCallister: You are kidding me.
Jane Harper: Dick, it's not going to do us any good. He's just going to cancel it the minute we walk out of here.
Dick Harper: I don't care... I don't care. I'm not walking out of this bank empty-handed.
Jack McCallister: ...Alright. Alright, Dick, I'm gonna write you a check. I'm gonna need my hand back though.
Dick Harper: Gladly.
[releases grip]
Jack McCallister: Alright, yes sir, I'm gonna write you that check, and what's more I'm not gonna cancel it as soon as I leave the bank because I think it takes alotta cojones to do what you two have done here today, and I admire that. So, here you go. Just a little something to show you what I think you're worth.
[hands him a check for $100]
Jack McCallister: Y'all take care now.

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[repeated line]
Oz Peterson: Son of a bitch!

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[At a bar, Dick gets up on a table and starts acting crazy because he's being indicted for his share of the bummed, worthless Globodyne stock]
Dick Harper: [blathers; marionette voice] Hello! I'm a corporate puppet...
[blathers again]
Dick Harper: ...and I'm going to need some more string, so that I can go on believing I'll be a real boy someday without bein' manipulative...
Dick Harper: [regular voice] by the bullshit!

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Dick Harper: [points to the hairpiece of a man] This squirrel died of natural causes!

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