Spivs (2004)

User Rating:

5.2/10   

Director:

Colin Teague

Writers:

Mike Loveday (writer)
Colin Teague (writer)

Release Date:

24 September 2004 (UK)

Genre:

Drama | Comedy

Tagline:

Warning: These people can seriously damage your wealth!

Plot:

Jack, Steve and Goat are East-End Spivs. They spend their time wheeling and dealing wherever and whenever they can...

Cast

Kate Ashfield	...	Jenny
Linda Bassett	...	Auntie Vee
Chooi Beh	...	Japanese man
Elizabeth Berrington	...	Nigel's secretary
Cavan Clerkin	...	Bob
Shane Davey	...	Ice Skater
Jack Dee	...	Nigel
Louis Dempsey	...	Uncle Frank
Glenn Durfort	...	Glenn
Neil Edmond	...	Observant Waiter
Stephen Evans	...	Park Attendant
Julia Hargesheimer	...	Teenage Safe House Girl
Tamer Hassan	...	Villa
Paul Kaye	...	O'Brien
Steven Lawson	...	Romanian slave
Derek Lea	...	Villa's Associate #1
Dominic Monaghan	...	Goat
Nick Moran	...	Steve
Rita Ora	...	Rosanna
T.J. Ramini	...	Pavel (as Tarek Ramini)
Sonny Rooney	...	Young Jack
Sarah Row	...	Slaone Woman
Roshan Seth	...	Omar
Madhav Sharma	...	Mr. Singh
Ken Stott	...	Jack
Colin Teague	...	Young Associate
Nadia Ward	...	Sonia
Christos Zenonos	...	Anton
Caspar Zialor	...	Teenage Sate House Boy

Runtime:

95 min

Country:

UK

Language:

English | Albanian

Color:

Color

Aspect Ratio:

2.35 : 1

Sound Mix:

Dolby Digital

Certification:

UK:15

Filming Locations:

England, UK

Company:

Carnaby International

Quotes:

Goat: Should we synchronise watches as well?

Movie Connections:

Spoofs "Only Fools and Horses" (1981)

Truly terrible, a total waste of time

This film breaks Rule One: the audience MUST care about the characters. Nobody introduces us to the puppets, we don't know who they are, what makes them tick, where they're coming from, where they want to go, NOTHING. The director simply throws them into action and expects us to worry about what happens next and to be bothered enough to listen to their very badly spoken lines. (Each line in a picture like this costs on average about UKP2,000, so every time one of these second-raters tosses off a line we can't quite catch they are burning 20 big ones for the producer. Nice going, fellas!) The producer of this half-baked turkey should be talking to one of the decent script development shops in London next time. They'll run him through the ABC of movies and how to make them work. Then, at least he won't make another stinker to add to the incredibly long list of indescribable stinkers the UK so-called "movie industry" has turned out over the last few years. Don't waste five minutes of your life viewing this badly conceived, poorly executed effort at entertainment. Read a book instead.