- Jean Goodman: How come you're never around when I need you?
- Tommy McGann: Jean, we've split up.
- Jean Goodman: I needed you last night. And where were you?
- Tommy McGann: I told you, I was at...
- Jean Goodman: You were at a party. Ah, that's great Tommy. And how inconsiderate of me to need you last night. How awful my timing is. What a selfish bitch I am! I come in, and that fucking lizard is roaming around. I've been trapped in the bedroom since I got here.
- Tommy McGann: He's not a lizard, he's a bearded dragon.
- Tommy McGann: [voice over] You know those movies where two people are forced to spend time with each other and they end up falling madly in love? Well, that wasn't happening.
- Jean Goodman: We're through. We're over. You screwed up one too many times, Tommy. I'm not taking you back. I'm not going to give you another chance. We're finished.
- Tommy McGann: I don't want another chance.
- Mr. Kearns: Clean that mess up.
- Tommy McGann: It's my break time now.
- Mr. Kearns: Get out. You're fired.
- Tommy McGann: What about my pay?
- Mr. Kearns: You've already broken four weeks of salary in wine.
- Tommy McGann: But I don't get paid in wine. I get paid in money. I haven't broken any money.
- Detective Inspector Wheeler: How was the funeral?
- Tommy McGann: Great laugh. The priest got the names mixed up and they dropped the coffin.
- Noel: [shouts] Do you know how to tie a noose?
- Tommy McGann: Shhhh
- Noel: [whispers] Do you know how to tie a noose?
- Tommy McGann: I thought you did.
- Noel: How should I know?
- Tommy McGann: I just thought it was something you would know.
- Noel: This is fucking insane.
- Tommy McGann: It was better than your plan.
- Noel: I didn't have one.
- Tommy McGann: Well, then it wasn't much competition.