- Tommy Vercetti: You took fifteen years from me, Sonny, and now I'm gonna make you pay!
- Sonny Forelli: You still don't get it, do you? I *own* you, Tommy. Those fifteen years were mine to spend!
- Sonny Forelli: Obviously you are suffering from hearing problems, so I'll try again.
- [shouting]
- Sonny Forelli: Where's the goddamn money? Where's the goddamn stuff? And where's my cut of your new action?
- [stops shouting]
- Sonny Forelli: You are making an idiot out of me, Tommy, and I'm not laughing yet.
- Tommy Vercetti: Who does this guy think he is? Now I gotta dress like a chump as well as hang out with him? I like this shirt.
- Male: Tim, they've got your wife!
- Tim: But I'm not married!
- Male: You are now... to America!
- Umberto Robina: Hey if Leo knows you've got his phone he'll kill you.
- Tommy Vercetti: Maybe Leo's already dead. Maybe I killed Leo and took his phone. You ever think of that, prick?
- Tommy Vercetti: You Kent Paul? I'm a friend of Rosenberg.
- Kent Paul: Rosenberg... Rosenberg... Oh, that bonkers ambulence chaser! That guy could defend an innocent man all the way to Death Row!
- [laughs]
- Dispatcher on Police Radio: Nothing seems to be happening. We need more arrests. Just bag anyone.
- Officer on Police Radio: I'm on it.
- Maurice Chavez: ...And what about other crimes? It seems car crime, fashion crime, drugs, everything is on the rise.
- Callum Crayshaw: Absolutely, of course it is! When I was in Uganda people were poor, but they were happy. The more you have, the less you have. That's kind of what I'm all about. Their satisfaction in spending all day weaving a basket, rather than just buying one at the store. At one point in Uganda, I saw a great lake of sand and a massive speaking dog. It was a dog of love, not of hate. It was a spirit journey.
- Maurice Chavez: What ARE you talking about?
- Callum Crayshaw: I'm talking about hopes... dreams... the magic of television. Especially public television. Puppets can say what men cannot.
- Maurice Chavez: [Just after Pastor Richards shot Barry] I'm Maurice Chavez the multi-award-winning, and soon to be executed host of Pressing Issues!
- Ken Rosenberg: What the hell are we gonna do?
- Tommy Vercetti: Shut up, sit down. I'll tell you what we're gonna do. You're gonna find out who took our cocaine, and then, I'm gonna kill them.
- Tommy Vercetti: Ok guys. Calm down, I'll handle this. Normally I wouldn't busy myself with driving around a bunch of drunken Scottish bisexuals, but in YOUR case, I'll make an exception!
- Congressman Alex Shrub: You have no idea what it takes to serve, the sacrifices, I've made to help my country, to help Vice City. The complexity of the government, the... the hideousness of my wife and the way her thighs grow like our national debt. Oh, sure, some people like that, but not me, it's a nightmare my friend, and having it thrown back at me by an ingrate like you... I can scarcely get up in the morning!
- Maurice Chavez: And with that outrageous revelation, let's take a quick break.
- Sonny Forelli: Hey Tommy, it's Sonny. How's the suntan?
- Tommy Vercetti: I ain't got no suntan.
- Sonny Forelli: Well, you ain't got my money either, so I'm thinking to myself 'what're you doing?'. So tell me, Tommy, what ARE you doing?
- Tommy Vercetti: I'm looking for the money, Sonny. Don't worry.
- Sonny Forelli: I AM worrying, Tommy. That's my style because I seem to have this problem in my life with unreliable people. Don't be an unreliable person, Tommy, please.
- Ken Rosenberg: Tommy, if I have a disagreement with someone, I mail them an angry letter; maybe I pee in their mailbox. I don't start World War III.
- Tommy Vercetti: There goes my careful planning, all blown to hell. Thanks to you. You screwed up real good, Lance.
- Lance Vance: He killed my brother. What did you expect me to do? Mow his lawns?
- Pastor Richards: You see, the Alaskans are lunatics, plain and simple; they eat whales, and snow, and they sleep in the freezer. Who wants to eat snow everyday? Oh, I tried to help; I sent a helicopter with copies of my book, but they burned them in a pile for heat. If the people of Alaska choose to live there, let them, but don't come crying when you're tired of eating penguin and it snows 18 feet a day.
- Tommy Vercetti: Sonny, you have my personal assurance that I'm gonna get you your money back, and the drugs, and I'm gonna mail you the dicks of those responsible.
- Pastor Richards: I'll tell you about morality. Morality is what I say is right, and immorality is what I say is wrong.
- Lazlow: You know if one more mom calls in complaining, "My son listened to your station and then he flunked out of school, wa-wa-wa...", well how you gonna learn to party at school, mom?
- BJ Smith: Are you reading a book during this interview?
- DJ Amy Sheckenhausen: Are you kidding? I can barely read.
- [on men]
- Michelle Carapadis: They run the world my pretty, oh yes, they run the world. Look at Reagan, Thatcher, Gorbachov. While we stay home and bake cookies, well, screw that. Don't bake him a cookie, smack him in the face with the baking tray instead.
- Pastor Richards: I'm gona build a 45 foot tall highly fortified structure in the shape of the most powerful thing on earth, me.
- Jonathan Freeloader: Here's a $10 donation from Fran in Little Haiti. Wow... you'd think she could have given more than that.
- Michelle Montanius: Yes, mean bitch. I hope she dies an agonizing death.
- [Tommy Vercetti and Lance Vance impersonating cops]
- Tommy Vercetti: Remember, smile at the other cops.
- Lance Vance: Hey there, officer. Nice badge, nice badge.
- Tommy Vercetti: Real smooth, Lance.
- BJ Smith: My coach pumped me so full of hatred and steroids, that I couldn't feel pain. Hell, I had to break my own leg, just for fun.
- Ken Rosenberg: Hey, hey Tommy, Tommy, look, I had this mini-bar installed.
- Tommy Vercetti: We got a whole bar downstairs, Ken.
- Narrator: Jack Howitzer... is Tim in Exploder: Evacuator Part II. From the heart of America to the jungles of Cambodia, follow one man's quest for peace.
- Tim: Hoochi... is that you?
- Hoochi: Tim, I know you come. Just like old days we kill everybody.
- Congressman Alex Shrub: Those statistics are interesting, but like all statistics, they are also irrelevant.
- Umberto Robina: You do this for me, and I take care of you. Like my brother. Like my son.
- Tommy Vercetti: I think I prefer the cash to being bounced on your knee, amigo.
- Tommy Vercetti: One thing's puzzling me. What's with 'Quentin'?
- Lance Vance: I dunno, I always kinda liked it: Quentin Vance.
- Tommy Vercetti: Vance? Your name's Lance Vance?
- Lance Vance: Hey, I got enough of that at school.
- Tommy Vercetti: Lance Vance. Poor bastard.
- Tommy Vercetti: You Cam Jones?
- Cam Jones: Yeah, that's me.
- Tommy Vercetti: I'm busting you out.
- Cam Jones: Whatever you say.
- Ricardo Diaz: Ok, listen up, dickhead. You work for me now.
- Tommy Vercetti: I work for money.
- Ricardo Diaz: As I said, amigo, you work for me now.
- Tommy Vercetti: I work for...
- Ricardo Diaz: SHUT UP!
- Maurice Chavez: It's a difficult question. Is it right to lie?
- Barry Stark: Clothes are a lie, Maurice.
- Maurice Chavez: No, Barry. Clothes are a way of keeping warm and not getting arrested.
- Just the Five of Us Father: Jimmy, tidy your room and go to bed.
- Jimmy: I'm so sick of this. I keep telling you I'm not what I seem, I look 12, but I'm a 42 year old Investment Banker. I wanna go out and get laid.
- Just the Five of Us Father: Yeah, and I'm Santa Claus, now tidy your room.
- Jimmy: Asshole.
- Claude Maginot: Seeing "In the Future, There Will Be Robots" will change your life, no matter what your life's like now.
- DJ Amy Sheckenhausen: So, it's kind of like getting a new haircut.
- Claude Maginot: Yes, exactly. No. No, it's nothing like getting a new haircut, you halfwit.
- Tommy Vercetti: I'm looking for a shooter for a job I'm pulling. From the setup here, I'm not too impressed.
- Phil Cassidy: Son, I could shoot a fly off your head at a hundred feet.
- Tommy Vercetti: Really?
- Phil Cassidy: Yeah, I learnt it in the army.
- Tommy Vercetti: Fly shooting popular in the army? Glad I don't pay tax.
- BJ Smith: Damn baby, you so ugly you make blind kids cry.
- DJ Amy Sheckenhausen: BJ, you better stop being a bully.