Bottom 2001: An Arse Oddity (2001 Video)

Adrian Edmondson: Eddie

Quotes 

• Richie : Look out Eddie, Ainsley Harriot is coming down here and he's strapping on a condom!

  Eddie : Quick, Get out of my way! I don't want to be in Ready Steady Fuck!

• Richie : What the fuck happened there?

  Eddie : Well you keep running around shouting "What the fuck happened there?" whilst wobbling your tits about like some epileptic page 3 model.

• [the pair are drinking tea made with pig's milk] 

  Eddie : Have you noticed something really odd about the pig? In all the times you have milked it have you noticed it only has one nipple?

  Richie : Yeah I had noticed that weird isn't it?

  Eddie : Plus it never seems to produce a lot of milk, also have you spotted those two great bollocks it has?"

  [Richie has a shocked look on face before starting to vomit] 

• [the pair are alone in some domed room] 

  Richie : Hello?

  Eddie : Hello!

  Richie : No not you!

  Eddie : Maybe I wasn't replying to you.

  Richie : So then, there really is someone else here?

  Eddie : Yeah I'm afraid so.

  Richie : Who is it?

  Eddie : Its me! Hello!

• [Richie is wearing bright pink underwear] 

  Eddie : Where did you get those?

  Richie : I made them from a pair of washing up gloves. They are Marigolds, and they were a little snug to get into. I also haven't been able to get the bastards off for three days. Also the thumb is stuck up my arse!

• [Talking about the Parrot] 

  Richie : What was that thing he used to say?

  Eddie : Get off! Get off! I'm not a sexual animal?

  Richie : No not that one, the other thing?

  Eddie : Oi Richie! Get me another drink, you overweight twat!

  Richie : That's the one.

• Richie : Is Dave attacking that Seagull?

  Eddie : Either that or he's shagging it.

  Richie : No, the seagulls attacking him! Now with the left, now the right, that's it Dave that's how you fly away.

  Eddie : Come on Dave, take your coat off! Kick him where it hurts!

  Richie : Ouch! He's kicked himself in the bollocks hasn't he?

  Eddie : Look there go all the seagull's mates, flying off, laughing and with Dave's wallet.

• Richie : Eddie, think back what's the last thing you remember?

  Eddie : Oh I know this, it was you, it was you telling me to "Think back what's the last thing you remember?", it's all coming back to me.

• Eddie : Where's the bar?

  Richie : Eddie there's no bar!

  Eddie : What the fuck happened there? What the fuck happened there? What the fuck fuck fuck happened there? What the fuck fucking fuck fuckity fuck happened there?

  Richie : Language!

  Eddie : English! This is a very serious No Bar, situation. Mary Mother of Jesus Help! Help! Help!

• Richie : What other options do we have? Let's explore our parameters?

  Eddie : You leave my trousers out of this, I don't want any funny business. Shit there's no corners to hide in!

  Richie : Just a little bit Eddie. Just a little touchy touchy it doesn't matter. Just a little wibbly wobbly touchy touch... Oh Fucking Homo!

• Richie : Before you go say something nice.

  Eddie : Breasts!

  Richie : No.

  Eddie : Lager!

  Richie : No, something else.

  Eddie : I'm sorry Rich, but breasts and lager are the only nice things I know.

• Richie : Come on Eddie think of the money!

  Eddie : What? Are you getting paid?

  Richie : No, I don't get paid, it's not me it's that wretch of an actor who plays me. What's his name? You know that tosser who fell off the quad bike?

  Eddie : I knew I should have fixed those brakes.

  Richie : What did you say?

  Eddie : I know the one, he's sort of balding and getting a tummy.

  Richie : Yeah, he's getting far too old to play me.

• Richie : Who is that awful actor who plays you?

  Eddie : Oh I know he's got a girl's name, is it Julie Goodyear? It's not that Ginger-haired cunt is it?

  Richie : Who? Chris Evans?

  Eddie : Yeah.

  Richie : No, it can't be. Anyway it's not you, it's him! You are a very good little character.

• Richie : So let me get this straight, we aren't in some dark, godless void on the edge of human misery?

  Eddie : No we're in Nottingham.

  Richie : Same thing isn't it?

• Richie : It's not our fault we have shit actors playing us, however it could be worse we could be in Vecks in Practice! I know I said "Vecks" I meant to say Vets.

  Eddie : I thought you did.

  Richie : It was one of my great improvisations.

  Eddie : I never watched Vecks in Practice much, but I believe it's shit anyway.

  Richie : It must be the Pig's Spunk, tacky teeth, now where were we?

  Eddie : What were you doing during the interval?

• Richie : [Eddie has applied the defibrillator to Dave the parrot]  No, nothing. Increase the violtage?

  Eddie : [Giggling]  Yes... yes... by all means. Increase the "violtage." In fact, Nurse.

  Richie : Yes, what is is?

  Eddie : Increase violtage to fiour hiundred and fiufty violts.

• Eddie : [Eddie's pager goes off]  Interval's coming up.

  Richie : What?

  Eddie : Drinking time!

  [Aside] 

  Eddie : Close the curtains. Ladies and gentlemen, this is not the interval, this is merely an award winning pause without actors.

  Richie : Eddie? Eddie! What is going on?

  Eddie : We've got to get to the bar before the audience gets there! Otherwise we'll never get served, last night I had to do the entire second half completely fucking sober!

  Richie : Oh my God!

  Eddie : Now draw the curtains and play the crap music!

  Richie : Nobody move!