Eli:
I always wanted to be a Tenenbaum.
Royal:
Me too, me too.
Ethel:
How long have you been a smoker?
Margot:
22 years.
Ethel:
Well I think you should quit.
Royal:
Everyone's against me.
Pagoda:
It's your fault, man.
Royal:
I know but dammit, I want this family to love me. How much money you got?
Pagoda:
I don't have.
Royal:
What? You're broke? You gotta be kidding me! How are we gonna pay for this room?
[
Pagoda shrugs]
Royal:
All right, I'll think of something... Ow.
Eli:
I wish you'd've done this for me when I was a kid.
Richie:
But you didn't have a drug problem then.
Eli:
Yeah, but it still would've meant a lot to me.
Royal:
Let's shag ass.
Pagoda:
He has the cancer.
Royal:
I got a pretty bad case of cancer.
Chas:
[
yawns] How long you gonna last?
Royal:
Not long.
Chas:
A month? A year?
Royal:
About six weeks. Let me get to the point, the three of you and your mother are all I've got and I love you more than anything.
[
Chas scoffs and mock laughs]
Royal:
Chas, let me finish here. I've got six weeks to set things right with you and I aim to do it. Will you give me a chance?
Chas:
No?
Royal:
Do you speak for everyone?
Chas:
I speak for myself.
[
about Margot's play]
Young Chas Tenenbaum:
What'd you think, Dad?
Royal:
Didn't seem believable to me.
[
to Eli]
Royal:
Why are you wearing pajamas? Do you live here?
Young Richie Tenenbaum:
He has permission to sleep over.
Young Chas Tenenbaum:
Well, did you at least think the characters were well developed?
Royal:
What characters? There's a bunch of little kids dressed up in animal costumes.
Young Margot Tenenbaum:
Good night, everyone.
Royal:
Well, sweetie, don't get mad at me. That's just one man's opinion.
[
after the fire drill]
Chas:
Four minutes, forty-eight seconds. We're all dead. Burned to a crisp.
Ethel:
What are you talking about?
Chas:
The apartment. I have to get some new sprinklers and a back-up security system installed.
Ethel:
But there are no sprinklers here either.
Chas:
We might have to do something about that too.
Uzi Tenenbaum:
Who's your father?
Chas:
His name is Royal Tenenbaum.
Ari:
You told us he was already dead.
Chas:
Yeah, well now he's really dying.
Eli:
I'm very sorry, Margot.
Margot:
It's okay. We're not actually related anyway.
Eli:
True.
Eli:
How's Richie?
Margot:
I don't know. I can't tell.
Eli:
Yeah, me neither. He wrote me a letter. He says he's in love with you.
Margot:
What are you talking about?
Eli:
That's what he said. I don't know how we're supposed to take it.
Richie:
Did you tell Margot about that letter I wrote to you?
Eli:
Why? Did she mention it? Yes, I did. Why would she repeat that?
Richie:
I would ask you the same question.
Eli:
What'd you say?
Richie:
Hmm? I didn't say anything.
Eli:
When? Right now?
Richie:
I think he's very lonely. Lonelier than he lets on. Maybe lonelier than he even realizes.
Ethel:
Have you spoken to him about this?
Richie:
Briefly. And he agreed that...
Chas:
I'm sorry, maybe I'm a little confused here. What are you suggesting?
Richie:
That he come here and stay in my room.
Chas:
Are you out of your mind?
Richie:
No. I'm not. Anyway I think he'd be much more comfortable here than at...
Chas:
Who gives a shit?
Richie:
I do.
Chas:
You poor sucker. You poor, washed up papa's boy.
Henry Sherman:
Call me Henry.
Chas:
I prefer Mr. Sherman.
Ethel:
Call him Henry.
Chas:
Why? I don't know him that well.
Ethel:
You've known him for ten years.
[
after seeing Royal asleep on a hospital bed with a heart monitor and IV at his bedside]
Chas:
Get out.
Chas:
Looks like you and Dad are back together again, huh.
Richie:
He's your dad too, Chas.
Chas:
No, he's not.
Richie:
Yes, he is.
Chas:
You really hate me, don't you?
Richie:
No. I don't. I love you.
Chas:
Well, I don't know what you think you're gonna get out of this, but believe me, whatever it is, it's not worth it.
Richie:
Chas. I don't want to hurt you. I know what you and the boys have been through. You're my brother and I love you.
Chas:
Stop saying that!
Richie:
I have to tell you something...
Margot:
What is it?
Richie:
I love you.
Margot:
I love you, too.
Royal:
Can we get somebody over here to kill these mice for us?
Margot:
No. They belong to Chas. Or anyway he invented them.
Royal:
Get him to stick them in a fucking cage or something.
[
after seeing Eli on TV]
Royal:
What the hell kind of way to act is that?
Richie:
He's on drugs.
Margot:
Do you send my mother your clippings and your grades from college?
Eli:
Please stop belittling me.
Ethel:
How're you feeling?
Richie:
Fine, thanks.
Ethel:
Are you in any pain?
Richie:
Not really.
Chas:
Why'd you try to kill yourself?
Raleigh:
She's balling Eli Cash.
[
after Richie tells him he might be in love with Margot]
Royal:
Margot Tenenbaum?
Richie:
Are we still friends?
Eli:
What?
Richie:
Are we?
Eli:
Of course. How can you even ask me that?
Richie:
Doesn't matter.
Eli:
Doesn't matter? It does matter.
Richie:
I heard about you and Margot.
Eli:
[
long pause] I'm sorry.
[
the priest breaks his ankle and is being loaded into the ambulance]
Raleigh:
Do you have an alternate?
Priest:
No.
Raleigh:
Are there priests on call?
Richie:
Margot said you told her I was in love with her.
Eli:
Why would she tell you that when I specifically asked her not to?
Richie:
I might ask you the same thing.
Eli:
Yes, and rightfully so.
[
to Royal]
Chas:
Please don't come in this room.
Royal:
Baby, I'm dying. I'm sick as a dog. I'll be dead in six weeks. I'm dying.
Ethel:
What are you talking about? What happened? Oh, my God. I'm sorry. I didn't know. What'd they say? What's the prognosis?
Royal:
Take it easy, Ethel. Hold on. Hold on.
Ethel:
Where's the doctor? Let's get...
Royal:
Wait a second. Listen. I'm not dying. But I need some time. A month. Maybe two. I want us to...
Ethel:
What's wrong with you?
Royal:
Ethel.
Ethel:
Are you crazy?
Royal:
Baby. I am dying.
Ethel:
Are you or aren't you?
Ethel:
Dying? Yeah.
Chas:
Please! Mr. Sherman, this is a family matter.
Margot:
Don't talk to him like that.
Henry Sherman:
Call me Henry.
Chas:
I prefer Mr. Sherman.
Ethel:
Call him Henry.
Chas:
Why? I don't know him that well.
Ethel:
You've known him for 10 years!
Chas:
Yes, as your accountant, Mr. Sherman.
Eli:
Why would a reviewer make the point of saying someone's *not* a genius? Do you especially think I'm *not* a genius? You didn't even have to think about it, did you?
Royal:
Oh, that's right. We got another body buried here.
Royal:
Anybody interested in grabbing a couple of burgers and hittin' the cemetery?
Eli:
Well, everyone knows Custer died at Little Bighorn. What this book presupposes is... maybe he didn't.
Eli:
[
reading part of his newest novel at a press conference] The crickets and the rust-beetles scuttled among the nettles of the sage thicket. "Vámonos, amigos," he whispered, and threw the busted leather flintcraw over the loose weave of the saddlecock. And they rode on in the friscalating dusklight.
Eli:
I'm not in love with you any more.
Margot:
I didn't know that you ever were.
Eli:
Let's not make this any more difficult than it already is.
[
Pagoda stabs Royal]
Royal:
That's the last time you put a knife in me! Y'hear me?
Richie:
Did you say you were on Mescaline?
Eli:
I did indeed. Very much so.
Royal:
I'm very sorry for your loss. Your mother was a terribly attractive woman.
Richie:
I wrote a suicide note.
Chas:
You did?
Richie:
Yeah, right after I regained conciousness.
Chas:
Well what does it say? Is it dark?
Richie:
Of course it's dark, it's a suicide note.
Chas:
Can I read it?
Richie:
No.
Chas:
Well could you at least summarize it for us?
Raleigh:
You made a cuckold of me.
Margot:
I know.
Raleigh:
Many times over.
Margot:
So sorry.
[
Royal motions to Pagoda]
Royal:
He saved my life, you know. Thirty years ago. I was knifed at a bazaar in Calcutta, and he carried me to the hospital on his back.
Ari:
Who stabbed you?
[
Royal motions to Pagoda again]
Royal:
He did. There was a price on my head, and he was a hired assassin. Stuck me in the gut with a shiv.
Margot:
I think we're just gonna to have to be secretly in love with each other and leave it at that, Ritchie.
Raleigh:
Do you have an alternate?
Priest:
No.
Raleigh:
Are there priests on call?
Medical Student:
Can the boy tell time?
Raleigh:
Oh, my Lord, no!
Dudley Heinsbergen:
You wanna play some word games, or do some experiments on me or anything?
[
after being exposed and thrown out of the house]
Royal:
The past six days have been the best six days of probably my whole life.
Narrator:
Immediately after making this statement, Royal realized that it was true.
[
Royal tells his children of his impending divorce]
Richie:
Is it because of us?
Royal:
Well, of course, certain sacrifices had to be made as a result of having children. But heavens, no.
Royal:
I thought I'd start by taking you out to visit your grandmother.
Richie:
God, I haven't been out there in years.
Margot:
I've never been at all. I was never invited.
Royal:
Well she wasn't your real grandmother, and I didn't know how much interest you had. But you're invited now!
Raleigh:
You don't love me any more, do you?
Margot:
I do, kind of. I can't explain it right now.
Ethel:
Well, I don't think it's very intelligent to keep an electrical gadget on the edge of the tub.
Margot:
[
in bath] I tie it to the radiator.
Raleigh:
Are you ever coming home?
Margot:
Maybe not.
Raleigh:
Well I want to die.
Raleigh:
[
Into tape recorder, softly] Dudley suffers from a rare disorder combining symptoms of amnesia, dyslexia, and color-blindness, with a highly acute sense of hearing.
Dudley Heinsbergen:
[
from adjoining room] I'm not color blind, am I?
Raleigh:
I'm afraid you are.
Royal:
I've always been considered an asshole for about as long as I can remember. That's just my style. But I'd really feel blue if I didn't think you were going to forgive me.
Henry Sherman:
I don't think you're an asshole, Royal. I just think you're kind of a son of a bitch.
Royal:
Well, I really appreciate that.
Royal:
Can I say something to you, Henry?
Henry Sherman:
Okay.
Royal:
I've always been considered an asshole for about as long as I can remember. Uh, that's just my style. But I'd really feel blue if I didn't think you were going to forgive me.
Henry Sherman:
I don't think you're an asshole, Royal, I just think you're kind of a son of a bitch.
Royal:
Well, I really appreciate that.
Royal:
[
to Chas] Well... you sued me... twice. Got me disbarred. I don't hold it against you, do I?
[
cut to Chas and Royal in court, sitting with their lawyers in front of the Judge]
Judge:
And how is it possible for Mr. Tenenbaum to withdraw these funds without your written authorization?
Royal:
Objection, Your Honor. Damn it, I...
Royal's Lawyer:
Why don't you leave the objections to me, Royal?
Chas:
Because I started the corporation when I was a minor. So, my father was the primary signatory on most of my accounts.
[
Chas' lawyer whispers in his ear]
Chas:
He also stole bonds out of my safety deposit box when I was fourteen.
[
Royal looks at Chas, then back at the judge. He chuckles uncomfortably]
Royal:
[
back in present day, to Chas] You think you could start forgiving me?
[
Chas Tenenbaum and his sons enter his mother's house with several bags]
Etheline Tenenbaum:
Chas? What's going on?
Chas:
We got locked out of our apartment.
Etheline Tenenbaum:
Well, did you call a locksmith?
Chas:
Uh huh.
Etheline Tenenbaum:
Well, I don't understand. Did you pack your bags BEFORE you got locked out?
Royal:
Ah, shit man.
Pagoda:
Oh shit man.
Ari:
Did you try to sew it back on?
Margot:
Wasn't worth it.
Tennis Announcer 1:
That's 72 unforced errors for Richie Tenebaum. He's playing the worst tennis of his life. What's he feeling right now?
Tennis Announcer 2:
I don't know, Jim. There's obviously something wrong with him. He's taken off his shoes and one of his socks and... actually, I think he's crying.
Richie:
You dropped some cigarettes.
Margot:
Those aren't mine.
Richie:
They just fell out of your pocket.
Eli:
I did find it odd when you said you were in love with her. She's married you know.
Richie:
Yeah.
Eli:
And she's your sister.
Richie:
Adopted.
Royal:
Are you trying to steal my woman?
Henry Sherman:
I beg your pardon.
Royal:
You heard me, Coltrane.
Henry Sherman:
"Coltrane"?
Royal:
What?
Henry Sherman:
Did you just call me Coltrane?
Royal:
No.
Henry Sherman:
You didn't?
Royal:
No.
Henry Sherman:
Okay...
Royal:
Richie, this illness, this closeness to death... it's had a profound affect on me. I feel like a different person, I really do.
Richie:
Dad, you were never dying.
Royal:
...but I'm gonna live.
Royal:
[
Points to Henry] He's not your father.
Margot:
Neither are you.
Eli:
You never even gave me the time of day till I started getting good reviews.
Margot:
Your reviews weren't that good.
Eli:
But the sales are.
Royal:
We could shimmy up that gutter, jump over that window ledge, and then pry open that ventilator shaft.
Pagoda:
There he is.
Royal:
Richie! Richie! Where's he going? Richie!
Eli:
Did I hit the dog?
Chas:
Yeah.
Eli:
Is he dead?
Chas:
Yeah.
Eli:
I need help.
Eli:
You're in love with Richie. Which is sick. And gross.
Richie:
I'm going to kill myself tomorrow.
Royal Tenenbaum's epitaph:
Royal O'Reilly Tenenbaum 1932-2001 Died Tragically Rescuing His Family From The Wreckage Of A Destroyed Sinking Battleship
[
Henry has just discovered Royal is feigning his illness]
Henry Sherman:
How much is he paying you?
[
pause]
Pagoda:
I don't know what you're talking about.
Royal:
You wanna talk some jive? I'll talk some jive. I'll talk some jive like you've never heard!
Eli:
[
immediately after wrecking his car] Where's my shoe?
Royal:
Henry Sherman, do you know him?
Richie:
Yeah.
Royal:
Is he worth a damn?
Richie:
[
emphatically] I believe so.
Margot:
You probably don't even know my middle name.
Royal:
That's a trick question. You don't have one.
Margot:
Helen.
Royal:
That was my mother's name.
Margot:
I know it was.
Raleigh:
[
after reading a private investigator's research on Margot background, which includes being adopted, a previous marriage, several one-night stands with other men, and a lesbian affair] So, she smokes.
Raleigh:
[
after learning from a private investigator that Margot had been previously married and has had several affairs with both men and women] So, she smokes.
Royal:
I didn't think so much of him at first. But now I get it, he's everything that I'm not.
Richie:
I wrote a suicide note.
Chas:
You did?
Richie:
Yeah, right after i regained conciousness.
Peter Bradley:
[
Eli is on drugs while being interviewed on television] Now, your previous novel...
Eli:
Yes, "wildcat".
Peter Bradley:
Not a success. Why?
Eli:
Well... wildcat was written in a kind of obselete vernacular...
[
long pause]
Eli:
... wildcat... wild... cat...
[
he stares into space]
Eli:
... pow... wildcat... I'm going to go.
Margot:
I'll have a butterscotch sundae I guess.
Royal:
[
after he faked a terminal illness, took residence in the house under false pretenses, tried to instigate a fight with his estranged wife's fiancé, generally lied to his family and was then found out] I know I'm going to be the bad guy here.
Chas:
Are you okay?
Royal:
Fuck do you care?
Henry Sherman:
[
Telling everybody that Royal doesn't have cancer] I know what stomach cancer looks like. I've seen it, and you don't eat three cheeseburgers a day with french fries when you got it.
Royal:
Hell of a damn grave. Wish it were mine.
Chas:
I've had a rough year, dad.
Royal:
I know you have, Chassie.
[
first lines]
Narrator:
Royal Tenenbaum bought the house on Archer Avenue in the winter of his 35th year. Over the next decade, he and his wife had three children, and then they separated.
[
last lines]
[
the family is gathered at the cemetery]
Narrator:
Among the few possessions he left to his heirs was a set of Encyclopedia Britannica in storage at the Lindbergh Palace Hotel under the names Ari and Uzi Tenenbaum. No-one spoke at the funeral, and Father Petersen's leg had not yet mended, but it was agreed among them that Royal would have found the event to be most satisfactory.
[
Chas nods to his sons]
Ari:
Fire!
[
Ari and Uzi fire their rifles into the air]
Ari:
Fire!
[
they fire again]
Young Richie Tenenbaum:
Go Mordecai!
Margot:
This is the sleeping bag we took to the museum, isn't it?
Richie:
Mm-hmm.
Margot:
Why'd you do it? Because of me?
Richie:
Yeah, but it's not your fault.
Margot:
You're not going to do it again, are you?
Richie:
I doubt it.
[
Margot starts to cry]
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